Soul Mate or Just a Mate??

The idea/definition/meaning of a soul mate is something that’s been written and romanticized about since the beginning of man. We all wade through this world looking for some sort of companionship or love. The main concept of a soul mate:  a person one shares a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility.

Now, I do not subscribe to the traditional interpretation of a soul mate. That is to say, I don’t necessarily believe there is only one person you’re destined to be with for the rest of your life. I’ll go even further and say I believe a person can have multiple/different soul mates in their lifetime. As big as the world is I find it hard to believe that we are only truly compatible with one person.  I also believe you can love more than one person throughout your life.

People yearning for a soul mate and searching for “the one”  is not happenstance.  I believe people think of the soul mates like The Gatekeeper and The Keymaster from the movie Ghostbusters. In the movie two characters are possessed by demons. These demons were sent out to find each other because they were “soul mates” and could bring the end of the world. The Keymaster (Rick Moranis) searched aimlessly throughout New York City looking for his “soul mate” the Gatekeeper (Sigourney Weaver). I think many of us have that perspective on relationships: that there is one man searching for you or one woman waiting for you because you are kindred spirits meant to be together.

Awhile ago, I was out on a date with a young lady. I asked her why her past relationship didn’t last and she explained (for a VERY long period of time) how they weren’t equally yoked and were incompatible. I asked her, “What, exactly, does that mean?”  She began a long tirade, detailing monotonous bullshit things that don’t mean anything important to a relationship at the end of the day (my words, not hers). Now, I am not saying we shouldn’t have things in common with our mate but I do think as a society we  take that ideal too far. We watch too many movies and read too many books that build upon the pipe dream that there’s only one person for us.  We think that our soul mate has all the same things in common, like watching the TV show Nip Tuck, they’re a Boston Red Sox fan, and they love Earth, Wind, and Fire as much as we do.

Eddie and Aliah Holman

A soul mate is bigger than Romeo and Juliet, two star crossed lovers meant to be together against all odds. We need to let go of all these preconceived notions. The meaning of a soul mate is on metaphysical level that takes time to understand. That process begins through learning and understanding ourselves, a deeper knowledge of who we are. A soul mate should be a person whose soul has grown with yours and has become intertwined. A soul mate is one who is able to evolve with us, mind, boy, and soul. This is done through hard work, choice, and spiritual consciousness. Many of us will never be able to find our soul mate because we are incomplete. How can we help complete someone’s soul when we aren’t striving to become more complete?


The following two quotes give a clear and precise explanation of my beliefs.  The first is a post from Zo Williams, a speaker on Sirius’ Satellite Foxxhole radio. He has a weekly relationship show called “The Voice of Reason”:

“In My Opinion There has always been Only One Soul.Which is The Source Of All Things. For Lack Of A Better Word it could be called “GOD” itself. In the World of Relationships A Soul Mate isn’t someone you meet, its someone you recognize!!!! its someone you divinely know by way of intimately knowing yourself! this is the only way to “recognize” a soul mate…By My Logic If there is only 1 divine SOUL which every one shares, it then stands to reason that one may have more than one soul mate by way of recognition of the One soul in all people places & things. The reason behind the belief that one only has one soul mate, or one shot at true love is linked to the extreme difficulty linked with the process … See More of self-realization, or self actualization. Most people struggle to reach a place of dynamic self-awareness, so then relationship becomes or is imagined to be solely a place of refuge where one can accumulate Social images and Cultural roles as a means of protecting themselves from the fear of not having a Comprehensive Knowledge of One’s Self! A Soul Mate Isn’t Only Limited to two beings…If you are aware of the Soul in yourself, you then have the capacity to become aware of the One Soul In All!…?”

Comedian Chris Rock gives another perspective:

“You’re never ever gonna get a soul mate. All you’re gonna get is a mate. That’s it.

And when you get a mate, you better like f**king and eating with them, ‘cos you’d be doing a lot of that.

And when you get older, you do less f**king and more eating.”

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28 responses to “Soul Mate or Just a Mate??

  1. Lmao! Love that last quote, hilarium! Sounds like you are hitting on the notion that we ourselves are our own soulmates. The more you love and know yourself, the better you will be able to recognize when someone elses soul resonates with yours. Love this post and I want to see more like it. While I don’t think there is only one single person for everyone, I do think the more aware of self you become, the fewer your options are. Compatiblity is still a huge factor because linking yourself with the wrong person will stop or retard your growth.

  2. This is a very interesting read my brother. Especially now that I’m doing the whole “dating” thing, I contemplate this very topic more and more. I do believe that everyone has a “soul-mate” or someone that GOD has intended us to become one with. I do feel that there is a special person that will mentally and physically understand you beyond that of just any other being. I do agree that the media is responsible for creating a superficial image of what a relationship should encompass. Unfortunately, it seems that the search for a soul-mate has become a very daunting task and it’s more about finding someone that will accept you for YOU! Heck, if I can find a woman who’s Xbox compatible I’m doing darn good. I don’t know whether to think of this subject as one of multi-layered complexity or to simply just agree with Chris Rock. Find a person that doesn’t exceed your tolerance level and just roll with it. :\

    • Lol @ XBox Compatible. I totally get what you mean, cause hey, I’ve thought similar things.

      I don’t think there shouldn’t be hope in finding someone that is compatible with you, but I also don’t believe it should be decided from simple likes and dislikes that are liable to change as fast as the weather! For example, I love playing my XBox, but I could purchase a PS3 and possibly like playing that more. In my opinion, something like that is too trivial to decide compatibility. Aren’t there things more important in life?

      “I don’t know whether to think of this subject as one of multi-layered complexity or to simply just agree with Chris Rock. Find a person that doesn’t exceed your tolerance level and just roll with it. :\” <—-Agreed.

      What I pray to find is a man that, at heart, holds the same values and beliefs as I do. If he doesn't like playing 360, I figure I can deal with that.

  3. That’s deep, I agree with u wholeheartedly. I think we have different soulmates for different stages in our life. But the one we may spend the rest of our life with may be the one we’re with when we r whole ourselves. Excellent post D

  4. if you never discover the fact that God lives in you and that He alone can make you whole; He being one spiritual half, and you being the other, how can a human man/woman satisfy you with the human form of love?

    Just something my great aunt mentioned to me years ago. Interesting post :)

  5. we still on soul mates?

    Love is what you make it and who you make it with. To believe that there is one single solitary person in this world is crazy considering the options that are out there. I don’t understand why people are doing themselves the damage. Quite frankly I don’t want a man who likes Medium as much as I do because that means he’s going to talk the whole damned show. Love manifests just the way we expect it to. Great post D!

  6. Very interesting insight D…I understand where you are coming from but the reality is too many are caught up in societal meanings of everything. A lot of people are searching for something but ask them why and they can’t really tell you…most of the time they just feel as if they should…I think a soulmate has diff meanings for diff people but these days it is seldom that people even find one

  7. Kudos Kudos Kudos!!! Love love love this D!! love love love you… I just had a FB status up about this the other day…Alexyss K. Tylor said “we have many SoulMates, but only one Twin Flame”…and that’s the match that we’re looking for…def something in the metaphysical realm…the truth is we create our mate…we recognize (us or the God) in that person…and the failed relationships or things we don’t like about another are actually deficiencies within ourselves…just some things that I’m learning…it has been easier to go with being with someone who is more like me…however…the ones unlike me taught me things I guess I needed to know in order to evolve…yes to “self actualize”…not all the way there…I don’t think we ever get all the way there…it def takes work…and then this is when one is ready for the SoulMate the true reflection of oneself…my favorite Common quote…”never find a man til you find yourself”…(never find a woman til you find yourself). Am I content with me? Do I know what I like?…I couldn’t have said it better than you D…how can I add to someone’s life when I’m not even secure with me?…whew! love this brother! keep up the good work…keep inspiring!! <3 Also, SoulMates…I believe can be of the same sex…ppl who we've had life experiences with in past lives…like cousins or friends who are like family…it's deep brother…I think I met my "Twin Flame" I learned so much from him…however…we are not together…perhaps we've already been together in another life…or perhaps we're just not ready…as I continue to self-actualize I'll figure it out… :-) He even looks like me…kinda like how I think the Holman's favor now that's deep right there brother!! Twin Flame= that female/male version of you…many ppl are afraid to confront themselves so it a wonder if they ever find their Mate…sorry so long

  8. I think by far this has been the most profound post yet!!! I’ve also thought of a soul mate as not one that you find, but one that you give your soul to intertwine with their soul. Everything that was said in this post, to me, is so true. I believe we all can have many “soul” mates, but not until we understand our own soul and are willing to allow our soul to be shared with any another being. It’s about having a clear understanding of each other and after understand… this person someone you would consider your soul mate under all aspect of the word. For I love my wife with all my heart and soul, but at the same time, we both do things or have faults that that we don’t necessarily like of one another….but we understand that, that’s who we are and something we do as part of our personalities. And it’s something we can live with….it’s not gonna kill us…lol. It’s like a person being in a relationship were the woman is very organized, but the man is not….opposite attracts. I don’t think I want to be married to someone that is just like me or have the same ways. Just my 2cents….

  9. I actually like that post……………………but in all honesty…..There are True Soul Mates…..Contrary to Popular Belief. You just have to open to it equally to see!!!

    It’s kind of like that saying when certain people get married out of a sudden kind of like that “You Just Know Moment”……..Or just like that “When You Know, You Just Know”……..There’s no words to explain it, you and that other person aka soul mate you just know. Because people don’t believe its true they often find themselves settling for somebody because half of the time they are so guarded with themselves that they don’t allow the person that is meant to be with them in. Life is wonderful when both people are on the same wavelength but oftentimes it doesn’t work out that way.

    A lot of people equate being financial stable and having their stuff together as being “a Good Pick” but that really is only half of it, Spiritually they should be rooted in a good foundation whichever religion works best for that person is fine then you will find out that just because they go to church every Sunday that they can’t apply what they learned to real life so its going in one ear and out the next.

    Then you have people who rarely go to church at all but they are the 1st person people call in a time of need, they are always giving back to others, they have the biggest hearts and they actually aren’t as judgmental as your typical Christening Believers………….Soooooo who’s better the person that goes to church every Sunday with their nose in the air, pointing fingers and gossiping about others or the person that never goes to church but has the actions more like a Christian should………Think about it!!!

    All this to say is that majority of the time life is going to take you for a ride, sometimes you know what’s going to happen next and for the most part you don’t but one thing that does remain is that we are living and trying to make the best of our individual lives until it is our time to go.

    We will never be 100% and to be honest if you ever think that you will accomplish being 100% you will be trying to please everybody but God and if you can’t please God totally then there’s your 100%. So our best bet in this journey called life is be open allow what we’ll be we will be and when that moment hits You Will Know who Your Soul Mate Is……If you just allow them that opportunity to Enter…..
    Its about who loves me even when my hair is messed up in the morning, who’s going to wash your drawls even when they don’t feel like it, cook when they are tired and say Baby I love even when they know you are dead wrong and still believe in you when you’ve failed at something. Unconditional Love is what a Soul Mate Gives…….Regardless of what you do and don’t have if they can Love You like a Parent Loves a Child, Smile at you even when they are Mad, and Cry with you when things aren’t going up or forward….That’s a Soul Mate!!!

    We all want it but we allow being selfish and being guarded take it all away then we end up settling with someone we have to learn to love instead of it just coming natural…….And when its your Soul Mate —–It just comes Natural with no questions asked or any conditions.

    And that’s my Piece…..LOL Two Snaps, Some Apple Juice and Three Candles ;-)

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  17. Great post. I’m sure you have to break this down before and every once in a while we have to revisit this for the overly lonely. Or as Jesse Jackson would put it…to “keep hope alive”.

    I’ll say what I’ve said for along time and that is this:

    If people came to terms with the “math” on this topic they wouldn’t be so frustrated about it. Here is why. If you believe in the concept of the “the one”, soul mate, or even soul mates then by DEFINITION that means MOST of the people out there are NOT compatible with you and you are gonna bump into, interact with, date and yes even sleep with these non-compatibles for awhile before you meet “the one”.

    When you think of it that way. It becomes a lot less personal (not that people don’t need to continue to better themselves) and a lot more mathematics. Or to put it another way. Your not sick…your single (and that math says that’s both highly likely and okay).

    Found mine and I’m keeping her.

  18. I’ve often wondered what the term soul mate really meant, but never was I under the impression that it meant “the person that you could spend a lifetime of happiness with”. Mathematically it’s just not logical. Most people don’t speak the same language in this world, most people live in Asia, and you’re not going to run across most of the remaining people in this world anyway.. So it’s just unlikely that it’s one person based on levels of compatibility. It’s about meeting someone who you’re able to share a lifetime with and feel that it was just meant to be. No more no less. They’re just good for you. It just works regardless of what the traditinoal standards may be. Good write.

  19. Oh I see you’ve experienced the exact same we’re incompatible and not equally-yoked conversation as well? I enjoy listening to women explain to me why previous relationships faltered…whether it was because the angle of the Sun or a Full Moon or due to Dr. Dre’s album Detox being pushed back.

    I’m more of the focus on how you treat a person type of guy. How we treat others usually makes a world of a difference.

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