The Marcus Graham Chronicles is my personal journey of dealing with love and relationships . It is called the Marcus Graham Chronicles because of my affinity for the movie Boomerang and how the main character of Marcus Graham relates to me as the “black professional” man. You can check out earlier posts in this series here.
Yep, the commitment thing its one of the big questions many men (and some women) struggle with everyday. Some people have a problem being able to stay with one man or woman, but this post is talking about that problem. It is the aspect of choosing the “right person”. This is the symptom of a person with what I have deemed the Marcus Graham Condition. It’s the fear that you will choose the wrong person and live in some proverbial relationship hell. Sometimes sitting pondering over my love life I have wondered “Love Don’t Love Me…Do It?”
Commitmentphobia is often most strongly apparent in romantic life. Generally, commitmentphobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment and get married, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long lasting connections. Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitmentphobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating.(source)
Marcus Graham in one scene says “I am flowers, I am candy, I’m the most romantic cat…until I hit.” Marcus is cut off by his friend Jarrod before he could finish explaining himself, but the there is an underlying point within what he said. I am not necessarily saying that after I have relations with a women that I just don’t want to be around her like Marcus. But, I have found myself evading commitment consciously and subconsciously. For whatever reason love shakes and bakes away from me like Barry Sanders. I know I have nuked relationship with women consciously and sometimes unknowingly because the idea of being tied down to that woman. I have had many people tell me it’s because I am an Aquarius and by nature we are commitment phoebes. Sometimes it is triggered by something they did that didn’t sit right with me but then I think if I made that issue bigger in my head than it really was.
Now this post isn’t like LL Cool J‘s “I Need Love” but this has been a subject I have thought about intensively over the last few months or so. I have broken some hearts and even had my heart-broken a time or two but going into this last year of my 20’s I needed to take some personal relationship inventory. I sat back and thought about my love track record (yeah you have a love track record it’s like the index in a book). I sat and thought about all the women I have dated, been with, sexed, and “wifed up”(see here) over the last 11 years of dating. I think about all the places I have lived nationally and internationally. After a lot of thinking I realized that I only had three sustainable relationships with none of them consistently being over 2 years. The reason for the low relationship inactivity has some to do with the women, some to do with me, and a lot to do with somewhere in the middle.
Before you think, “Damn this skinny mofo surely sounds like a whore”. I would like to say in my defense that in general I have been told I have been very good to the women I have dated. I am not sitting up here portraying myself as Bishop Desmond Tutu either just also making it be known that I haven’t been that bad either. I know I have done my fair share of rabbit dancing with women but, in general I am a pretty nice dude. Ok, there is a few women that may say I aint shit but that is far and in-between. I used to try to blame it on the women and put the onus on them (see here) or that I wasn’t ready for commitment but I had to look internally at the man in the mirror. The only consistent factor in all those relationships is…..ME!
I have been surrounded by some great sistas, but there is some reason that I have bailed on certain relationships. With many women it feels like I hit a wall where I go from looking at them as being a potential mate to thinking they have the Ebola virus and I need to get out of there as soon as possible. I don’t know what exactly it is that flips a switch where I am not feeling them. Maybe I bail too soon? Maybe I shouldn’t have given the person a chance in the first place?
One of my cousins at a family function once called m the black George Clooney. At the time it was hilarious as hell but it was true. Then one of my married homeboys proclaimed to me that he lives through me and my stories. He went on to say that he knew he could live through my extended bachelorhood because I was always going to stay somewhat in “the game”. He continued to say that he had only seen me with two girls for an extended period and betting on that was like when the St. Louis Rams went to two Super Bowls. Once again I laughed at my friend’s proclamation. After a while both of those statements began to sting. I mean no man wants to be alone their whole life or be the old ass dude in the club. I have always seen myself being with one woman traveling the world talking shit, kicking ass, and taking names. I don’t know maybe I believe the perfect relationship is like the Ice Cube and Yo-Yo song “Bonnie and Clyde Theme”.
The funny thing about “Love Not Loving Me” is that I am not against monogamy at all. It is just sometimes rapping my mind around the concept of monogamy is the issue. Do I really want to be with this person? Are they really the one for me? I am not saying I am going to marry this chick but damn do I even want to really make them my girlfriend. I know this Marcus Graham Condition I will cure they say the first part of recovery is admitting you have the problem, right? I’m admitting the problem and I am going to be proactive about it. I won’t complain to myself that “Love Don’t Love Me.” I’m gonna attempt to embrace love and maybe it will quit not loving me.