The Marcus Graham Chronicles is my personal journey of dealing with love and relationships. It is called the Marcus Graham Chronicles because of my affinity for the movie Boomerang and how the main character of Marcus Graham relates to me as the “black professional” man. You can check out previous posts in this series here.
In this evolution and journey to cure this condition that I have coined the Marcus Graham Condition. There is a moment in Boomerang where Marcus Graham has to sit with himself and face all the of the ills of the world he has put on women in his past. Though this will be no where as deep of a process as Marcus had. This below I have decided is one of the best ways to move forward and become a better man you have to acknowledge some of the ill will you have done in the past. This is my attempt at purging my soul to the women of my past…
I finally answered the questions to get my Relationship Credit Score, as reluctant as I was to do it (and yeah, yeah, I wrote it). My score wasn’t too surprising – not low, but not the best it could have been. It indicated areas in my life I needed to work on. I’m not stupid, I know you probably could give two shits about this letter. But hell, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and its time to let sleeping dogs lie (or put them totally to sleep) if I’m going to continue my quest to be come a better man.
I have a lot I need to work on and things I have to take ownership of. Things I did wrong. It’s real easy to justify the fucked up shit you do in life, especially when you come up with lame and unsubstantial reasons for doing the dirt. I know I could have done things better in the relationship. I’d make bad decisions and claim “The Onus Was Not on Me” . It’s funny how we can go through our whole lives and blame others for our woes in life without taking any ownership for what we do. I blamed you for my relationship woes, shrugged my shoulders and chalked it up as part of “the game”.
I had to sit back and really dissect my part in our break-up… I may have given up to soon on our relationship… or maybe I didn’t give up soon enough. Maybe I strung it out just because of an “internal fear of loss”. Maybe I needed to have heeded the words Bishop Don Juan gave to me when it comes to love. Maybe I should have held on too you longer and put more of myself into our relationship. Perhaps I should have let you go, knowing I wasn’t totally into the relationship. I could have been a little more caring. I could have been a bit more forthright. I could have been a bit more patient and more understanding. I could have been a a lot less Marcus Graham. But, we both know playing the “What IF Game” will get me you nowhere ( Shit, if IF was a spliff we all would be high). The past is the past. Hindsight is always easier to see NOW, especially when we needed it THEN.
I’d advise you not to take much offense, but I have to say…you’re crazy as cat shit. Yeah, I said it. You.are. crazy.as.cat.shit. But, I know I played my part in your developed insanity. On the flip-side, that would mean I was somewhat crazy for being with you. They say like-minded people are attracted to each other, right? Considering all the crazy things you said and did) I’ll be honest and admit… I may have induced some of that craziness. Hell, when you’re in love you do stupid crazy things. We both surely did our share. Maybe you more than me but hey, perception is everything. You probably thought I was the crazy one. There were a lot of things you did to me that never sat well with me then (and still don’t now) but this letter will address my choices, not yours.
You’ve probably read many of my editions of The Marcus Graham Chronicles . I figure you either laugh or grimace at them because you already know that I’m a jackass. The thing is, while you may have ill-will towards me, talk shit about me, or maybe even hate me… I don’t feel that way about you! It’s cool, and I understand you need to do what takes for you to move forward in life. Maybe you’re not cool with me and give me a “side-eye” every now and again – that’s okay, too. I can accept how you feel about me as long as you’re happy. When we’re with someone (or breaking up with them) people like to say…”You’ll never find someone who will treat you like I did”. That may be true, but maybe there’s someone who can treat you better than I did… and I accept that.
You were there for me in ways words can’t even begin to describe. This, I cannot deny. I will always be in debt to you. Despite (and maybe because of) all the ups and downs we put each other through, I truly am happy and grateful you came into my life…. even though we’re may not meant to be. I appreciate you for everything you taught me about myself, the world, and for making me better for future relationships. Because really, “I want you happy even if it’s not with me.” -Mason Betha (aka Mase)
All My Best,
Recovering addict of the Marcus Graham Condition