What If You Found Out That Your Lover Settled For You?

There is a quote from Chris Rock where he comments on the notion that for many women the man they settle down with is not their “first choice”. Chris Rock maybe on to something in his satirical rant but I think his statement can go across the board for anyone. In a previous post “Is It Infatuation or Love?” I explored the idea of how do we know if we are in love or not and what we may believe as someone loving us. But, what if we confuse a person loving us than our lover settling for us?

This guest post is provided by Greg Dragon over at Hall the Black Dragon. Hall the Black Dragon is an online magazine for the modern black gentleman. Checkout what he has to say in concerns of the idea of  “settling” for someone in a relationship.


All for the sake of marriage would you be okay with learning that your mate settled for you? This is a real question and I don’t mean the “we were dating and I eventually fell in love” sort of settling but more along the lines of “I have been a freak for a few years and this guy has his head screwed on straight so I am ready to be a wife/mom with someone and it may as well be him” kind of settling. As a man or woman, would the realization of this make you upset or is it all about companionship?

I personally know of 3 marriages that were spawned from one person settling versus the love thing that Hollywood makes it out to be. One was based on the woman being a floozy, but having above average beauty landed her an enterprising nerd who is just happy to have her. The second was a guy who threw money at the girl in the most disgusting way hoping to buy her attention and after years of cake and ice-cream she figures no other man will come along so she settles for him. The third was a guy who analyzed his age, his girlfriend’s age, his wish for children and married her in order to get that out of the way… he doesn’t love her. Is this something that happens all the time? I am starting to believe so.

On the daily I happen across blogs and articles that bemoan single life and what is wrong with the men and women of today who choose to take things slowly. The authors reach back to a fictional ideal past where men and women were falling in love left and right, and everyone was The Cosby Show. Women blame their lack of marriage on being too intelligent and strong, men blame their lack of marriage on bitchy women who want a fictional superman that doesn’t exist. Their married friends tell them it isn’t that serious and it’s all about selflessness but the topic of settling is never brought up. What about the settling?

A question for those who settled

When you settle for someone, do you feel guilty for doing so? What if the person is madly in love with you and you only tolerate them because they are the cutest catch you have ever had? What happens after the marriage and you realize that you can not really spend more than 3 hours in the same room with him/her, do you feel the need to cheat with someone that you actually do like, and if so is it guilt-free since you married your wife/husband as a means to an end?

Are the settlers the future  cheaters?

I am starting to see a correlation between settling and loyalty, I mean how genuine can your vows be if your union is a lie to begin with? How honest can you be to someone who is a glorified penis or vagina for you and nothing more? If your wife is simply “the mother of my children” how much hesitation will you have when you have a woman that makes you as hard as steel ready to give her body to you? I just don’t see that working out too well in the end.

It’s something to be considered married folks, you may be the victim of a settled mate and for single folks, it may end up being your fate also. In the end it’s all about how well you can take this reality. If it means nothing to you and all that matters is that he/she be the best person to you then more power to you. If it does matter and it would piss you off then it’s time to put some thought into who it is that you are linking up with, the sad part is many times an agenda does not come with a preemptive strike.

You can check out the Original Post at Hall of Black Dragon Here


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10 responses to “What If You Found Out That Your Lover Settled For You?

  1. Excellent post. I’ve had this type of talk with some of my girlfriends and some of them think that you have to settle instead of going for what you want. I’m not that type of person. I’m by myself because I can’t honestly “Fake” a relationship.

    My girlfriends keep tellin me I need a dude to “cake” me. I don’t need that. To me I feel that Karma comes back on you X’s 10. Yet I won’t lie I do have those “Hollywood” thoughts of romance, yet I’m a realist to realize that love doesn’t come as easy as on the silver screen.

    I can’t JUST be with a guy because he’s great to me. It’s not fair to him if I don’t feel the same. For me I have to have genuine feelings and I have to make sure his are the same. I’ll be damn if I’m the chick you settled for, I want to be the woman you should have been with from the beginning.

  2. I really hope that no one would settle for me because it would cheat both of us. But its gotta be hard to discern between settling and being out of your league.

    So do you think guys settle more or women do? How do you know if you are just having too high expectations?

    • Good questions! I think honestly I can see situations where both men and women can settle. I can think about the countless times I have heard men say “Man it was just time for me to settle down.” like the chick happened to be around when he wanted to throw in the player card.

      Then on the other hand I can see a woman settle on a man who takes care of them or they have some form of control over as well. I guess it just all depends on the person and there mind state.

      Good question about whats the difference between settling and high expectations! i may have to explore than in a future post

  3. Excellent post! I think this happens more often than not, and a lot of married people do not want to admit that either they were the one that settled, or their spouse settled for them. I’ve found that many married folks depict their mate as “The One” when in reality, that person may have been their “Right Now”. Biological clocks & timelines, the desire to appear professional stable by having a spouse & family and just pure infactuation are many reasons that people get married, instead of what we all seek and wish for…finding you soulmate, “The One”…

  4. I think the problem is with the expectations of marriage which I think need redefining and individualizing. People rarely settle for a bf/gf, they settle for a spouse and a certain type of lifestyle.

    Great post!

  5. What’s love got to do with it? This is a serious question. I think a lot of folks are SO caught up with this silly fairytale notion of what marriage is “supposed” to be that they forget that it’s a lifelong working partnership. Back in the day marriage was practical. None of that love phooey. If you were head over heels in love with a guy who had no aspirations to go beyond his minimum wage job but you were so “in love” with him is that ideal marriage or is that settling? Let’s get real here, no (sane) woman is going to marry a man that cannot provide and no (sane) man wants a woman who doesn’t carry her own weight (And cooks) Look, as my mother explained to me, she could have married any of her boyfriends. Why? Bc they were all great men who would have been great in the long haul. My father was the best of all of them of course but she plainly stated it’s about finding the person that your goals and vision for the future aligned with. If I’m looking to open a dozen businesses and my bf is happy as a clam at the local McDonald’s but I just loooooooooooove him so much will that marriage work. Probably not. So everyone’s definition of “settling” differs based on the situation. I wouldn’t say the woman who went for the kind nerd is settling, he probably treated her like a Queen and she saw a future building with him. She may not wanted him initially but when you take a look at your life down the line a lot of your “requirements” evolve into more practical elements. There are a hell of a lot more factors that plays into marriage besides love. Cuz ain’t nothing going on but the rent.

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