There is a quote from Chris Rock where he comments on the notion that for many women the man they settle down with is not their “first choice”. Chris Rock maybe on to something in his satirical rant but I think his statement can go across the board for anyone. In a previous post “Is It Infatuation or Love?” I explored the idea of how do we know if we are in love or not and what we may believe as someone loving us. But, what if we confuse a person loving us than our lover settling for us?
This guest post is provided by Greg Dragon over at Hall the Black Dragon. Hall the Black Dragon is an online magazine for the modern black gentleman. Checkout what he has to say in concerns of the idea of “settling” for someone in a relationship.
All for the sake of marriage would you be okay with learning that your mate settled for you? This is a real question and I don’t mean the “we were dating and I eventually fell in love” sort of settling but more along the lines of “I have been a freak for a few years and this guy has his head screwed on straight so I am ready to be a wife/mom with someone and it may as well be him” kind of settling. As a man or woman, would the realization of this make you upset or is it all about companionship?
I personally know of 3 marriages that were spawned from one person settling versus the love thing that Hollywood makes it out to be. One was based on the woman being a floozy, but having above average beauty landed her an enterprising nerd who is just happy to have her. The second was a guy who threw money at the girl in the most disgusting way hoping to buy her attention and after years of cake and ice-cream she figures no other man will come along so she settles for him. The third was a guy who analyzed his age, his girlfriend’s age, his wish for children and married her in order to get that out of the way… he doesn’t love her. Is this something that happens all the time? I am starting to believe so.
On the daily I happen across blogs and articles that bemoan single life and what is wrong with the men and women of today who choose to take things slowly. The authors reach back to a fictional ideal past where men and women were falling in love left and right, and everyone was The Cosby Show. Women blame their lack of marriage on being too intelligent and strong, men blame their lack of marriage on bitchy women who want a fictional superman that doesn’t exist. Their married friends tell them it isn’t that serious and it’s all about selflessness but the topic of settling is never brought up. What about the settling?
A question for those who settled
When you settle for someone, do you feel guilty for doing so? What if the person is madly in love with you and you only tolerate them because they are the cutest catch you have ever had? What happens after the marriage and you realize that you can not really spend more than 3 hours in the same room with him/her, do you feel the need to cheat with someone that you actually do like, and if so is it guilt-free since you married your wife/husband as a means to an end?
I am starting to see a correlation between settling and loyalty, I mean how genuine can your vows be if your union is a lie to begin with? How honest can you be to someone who is a glorified penis or vagina for you and nothing more? If your wife is simply “the mother of my children” how much hesitation will you have when you have a woman that makes you as hard as steel ready to give her body to you? I just don’t see that working out too well in the end.
It’s something to be considered married folks, you may be the victim of a settled mate and for single folks, it may end up being your fate also. In the end it’s all about how well you can take this reality. If it means nothing to you and all that matters is that he/she be the best person to you then more power to you. If it does matter and it would piss you off then it’s time to put some thought into who it is that you are linking up with, the sad part is many times an agenda does not come with a preemptive strike.
You can check out the Original Post at Hall of Black Dragon Here
- Open Friday: She Can’t Be Ready For Marriage! (ashy2classy.net)
- I Wouldn’t Have Married My Wife if She Was Pregnant (nwso.net)
- Ring Obsession (writerzblockblog.wordpress.com)
- Just A Thought: Self Reflection (sunnydelyte21.wordpress.com)
- The Children of Divorce: How Divorce Influences Our Relationships (singleblackmale.org)