This year I am set to be a groomsman in three different weddings which will bring my total of groomsman duties to around 6 weddings in the last 3 years. A friend and I have an on-running joke that I am the male version of the movie 27 Dresses. 27 dresses is one of those All-American chick flicks where a woman has been a bridesmaid 27 times and starting to wonder why she has only been a brides maid and not a bride.
Since I am the male version of 27 Dresses (or 27 tuxes in my case) I really wanted to continue my dissection of this serious decision in one’s life. It’s no secret my questioning of institution of marriage in the 21st century. I wrote a previous post which happens to be one of the most popular ones “When Are We Going to Realize Marriage isn’t for Everyone”. I really questioned what we as society consider as a successful relationship and that if many of us are equipped for marriage in the new landscape of society we live in.
Now I feel we all want companionship and it is an innate want to be with someone and know they are there for you. The messed up aspect of the game is that we confine ourselves to the ideals of what society tells the context of a healthy relationship. In general I feel most relationships go like this:
-You go to the movies
-You go out to eat
-You Have RELATIONS
-You go sit at home and rent movies
-You talk about everything from Politics to hip hop
-You Have RELATIONS
-You meet his/her friends/family
-You have RELATIONS
-You go on vacation
-You have RELATIONS
Now after going on this merry-go-round for a few years or so most people will eventually start thinking about marriage. It’s the natural progression right? The person starts to ponder may really want to be with this person. Person says to self “I have a good job, she has a good job, and he /she don’t get on my nerves too much. I mean I am 29 years old….I think it is time to get married.”
Society influences us to believe that we will not be ‘happy’ if we don’t get married, buy a big house with the picket fence, and have 2.5 kids. The realistic idea of the matter is that most of us won’t get married, and many of us if we do get married may not get the prototypical happiness we have been romanticized to believe in. I have had to do inner soul-searching to start to separate the difference between what society deems to have a happy life and what I really believe will make my life happy.
I believe everything is relative in life and relationships are no different in this relativity. The players and the game haven’t changed just the implementation of the game. For instance many men have always cheated on their wives since the beginning of time. Yes, your grandpa or even grandma may have been creepin’. The difference was many people played their role for the sake of the family and many creep missions then were kept away from the wife/husband. Some men were able to keep the wife and mistress separate. Nowadays men are treating the wife like a mistress and vice versa (I am not condoning cheating just stating the rule change).
Many of us later 20s folks (including myself) who aren’t married have their 27 dresses (or 27 tuxes) dilemma in their life. Most people want to have a lineage and family life to an extent. This dilemma many times I feel plunges some men and women into a situation of wanting to be in marriage at any cost. I have concluded that there are two types of marriage drawn people…one male and one female version:
This is the woman who every time they go out or in a social setting they are trying to find a husband. They force situations that may not be healthy for them just to say they are not alone. I think some women in general are in some un-official competition with other women hence the spoils of engagement ring game. There is a long journey for love and it’s not curable by just getting an engagement ring. I have come to the conclusion that the engagement ring is just a way for some woman to have a non-verbal ish talking device against other women. I mean some women measure the love their man has for them by how big the ring is.
One of my homeboy’s ex-girlfriend’s told him if he ever engaged that her ring NEEDS to be at least 3K…Aint that a bitch!! A lot of women feel that way and regardless if they say it or not they want to have a better man, a better ring, and better kids than the next woman. This capitalistic society breeds competition on so many levels. This woman needs a husband to validate her preconceived template of what a happy life is. The whole process of the wedding becomes more about them than the joining of two individuals.
Some women get so much into their own mental 27 dresses syndrome that they want a marriage at any cost. Dude could just want to be married and they think it’s a great situation but on the other hand some women will leave a great relationship because he hasn’t married her within her “suitable” time-table. Some of these women are so hell-bent on the title of being a wife that they miss what the substance of the relationship is.
I Don’t Want to be the Old Dude in the Club
Now most of these brothas reside in a zone of whatever time period where they come to the idea that the club is starting to not become an option for them. These brothas get to this age and look around (for good reason) and decide it is time to settle down. But the question is at what cost? For my female readers let me know if these statements sound familiar…
“He told me that he could see me being a great wife…I have talked to him FOUR TIMES!”
“He said He wants to buy me whatever and wants me to meet his mom…I have known him…THREE WEEKS!”
I don’t know why at that age brothas get to really trying to handcuff women at all costs. Not saying all but some men who are hell-bent on getting married and not being the old dude in the club have adopted the moniker of “I have to MAKE her my girl at ALL COSTS!! As Dres from Black Sheep said Vannnnzdamn!!
Some men look at a wife as a trophy piece and a measure of success. Society says the finer and more put together the woman is more clout of power said man most have. Everyone has heard of the idea of the trophy wife right? There is also a fear of this man that he will not have any choice of woman who will want to put up with him. This poisonous thought process will be of no benefit to the man or his future wife.
Both of these people are disenchanted to what the aspect of real love and marriage is. I know I need love like LL Cool J said but I want the real thing not just to say I have a wife. I am going to do me regardless if I get married or not. I understand that great woman can make you so much stronger of a man but I am not going to let my 27 Tuxes make me want to choose any woman. I have had to do inner soul-searching to start to separate the difference between what society deems to have a happy life and what I really believe will make my life happy. But the main thing I realized is that I am going to have to like my lady much more than I love them…but I guess I will have to talk about that on a future post.
What do you think about the 27 Dresses and 27 Tuxes Complex? Are you or anyone you know suffering from this? Speak On It!!
- The Most Important Key To Creating A HAPPY Marriage (thisisyourconscience.com)
- Love in Varying Degrees… (skrapdiggy.wordpress.com)
- Ring Obsession (writerzblockblog.wordpress.com)
- Bish You Wasn’t With Me When Nepa Took The Light (brotherswithnogame.com)
- I Wouldn’t Have Married My Wife if She Was Pregnant (nwso.net)
- The Children of Divorce: How Divorce Influences Our Relationships (singleblackmale.org)
- Open Friday: She Can’t Be Ready For Marriage! (ashy2classy.net)