The 27 Dresses and 27 Tuxes Complex

This year I am set to be a groomsman in three different weddings which will bring my total of groomsman duties to around 6 weddings in the last 3 years. A friend and I have an on-running joke that I am the male version of the movie 27 Dresses. 27 dresses is one of those All-American chick flicks where a woman has been a bridesmaid 27 times and starting to wonder why she has only been a brides maid and not a bride.

Since I am the male version of 27 Dresses (or 27 tuxes in my case) I really wanted to continue my dissection of this serious decision in one’s life. It’s no secret my questioning of institution of marriage in the 21st century. I wrote a previous post which happens to be one of the most popular ones “When Are We Going to Realize Marriage isn’t for Everyone”. I really questioned what we as society consider as a successful relationship and that if many of us are equipped for marriage in the new landscape of society we live in.

Now I feel we all want companionship and it is an innate want to be with someone and know they are there for you. The messed up aspect of the game is that we confine ourselves to the ideals of what society tells the context of a healthy relationship. In general I feel most relationships go like this:

-You go to the movies

-You go out to eat

-You Have RELATIONS

-You go sit at home and rent movies

-You talk about everything from Politics to hip hop

-You Have RELATIONS

-You meet his/her friends/family

-You have RELATIONS

-You go on vacation

-You have RELATIONS

Now after going on this merry-go-round for a few years or so most people will eventually start thinking about marriage. It’s the natural progression right? The person starts to ponder may really want to be with this person. Person says to self “I have a good job, she has a good job, and he /she don’t get on my nerves too much. I mean I am 29 years old….I think it is time to get married.”

Society influences us to believe that we will not be ‘happy’ if we don’t get married, buy a big house with the picket fence, and have 2.5 kids. The realistic idea of the matter is that most of us won’t get married, and many of us if we do get married may not get the prototypical happiness we have been romanticized to believe in. I have had to do inner soul-searching to start to separate the difference between what society deems to have a happy life and what I really believe will make my life happy.

I believe everything is relative in life and relationships are no different in this relativity. The players and the game haven’t changed just the implementation of the game. For instance many men have always cheated on their wives since the beginning of time. Yes, your grandpa or even grandma may have been creepin’. The difference was many people played their role for the sake of the family and many creep missions then were kept away from the wife/husband. Some men were able to keep the wife and mistress separate. Nowadays men are treating the wife like a mistress and vice versa (I am not condoning cheating just stating the rule change).

Many of us later 20s folks (including myself) who aren’t married have their 27 dresses (or 27 tuxes) dilemma in their life. Most people want to have a lineage and family life to an extent. This dilemma many times I feel plunges some men and women into a situation of wanting to be in marriage at any cost. I have concluded that there are two types of marriage drawn people…one male and one female version:

The Go for Broke Marriage Woman

This is the woman who every time they go out or in a social setting they are trying to find a husband. They force situations that may not be healthy for them just to say they are not alone. I think some women in general are in some un-official competition with other women hence the spoils of engagement ring game. There is a long journey for love and it’s not curable by just getting an engagement ring. I have come to the conclusion that the engagement ring is just a way for some woman to have a non-verbal ish talking device against other women. I mean some women measure the love their man has for them by how big the ring is.

One of my homeboy’s ex-girlfriend’s told him if he ever engaged that her ring NEEDS to be at least 3K…Aint that a bitch!! A lot of women feel that way and regardless if they say it or not they want to have a better man, a better ring, and better kids than the next woman. This capitalistic society breeds competition on so many levels. This woman needs a husband to validate her preconceived template of what a happy life is. The whole process of the wedding becomes more about them than the joining of two individuals.

Some women get so much into their own mental 27 dresses syndrome that they want a marriage at any cost. Dude could just want to be married and they think it’s a great situation but on the other hand some women will leave a great relationship because he hasn’t married her within her “suitable” time-table. Some of these women are so hell-bent on the title of being a wife that they miss what the substance of the relationship is.

I Don’t Want to be the Old Dude in the Club

Now most of these brothas reside in a zone of whatever time period where they come to the idea that the club is starting to not become an option for them. These brothas get to this age and look around (for good reason) and decide it is time to settle down. But the question is at what cost? For my female readers let me know if these statements sound familiar…

“This guy I am talking is all on top of me and wants to make me his girl and I just met him at the club…LAST WEEK”

“He told me that he could see me being a great wife…I have talked to him FOUR TIMES!”

“He said He wants to buy me whatever and wants me to meet his mom…I have known him…THREE WEEKS!”

I don’t know why at that age brothas get to really trying to handcuff women at all costs. Not saying all but some men who are hell-bent on getting married and not being the old dude in the club have adopted the moniker of “I have to MAKE her my girl at ALL COSTS!! As Dres from Black Sheep said Vannnnzdamn!!

Some men look at a wife as a trophy piece and a measure of success. Society says the finer and more put together the woman is more clout of power said man most have. Everyone has heard of the idea of the trophy wife right? There is also a fear of this man that he will not have any choice of woman who will want to put up with him. This poisonous thought process will be of no benefit to the man or his future wife.

Both of these people are disenchanted to what the aspect of real love and marriage is. I know I need love like LL Cool J said but I want the real thing not just to say I have a wife. I am going to do me regardless if I get married or not. I understand that great woman can make you so much stronger of a man but I am not going to let my 27 Tuxes make me want to choose any woman. I have had to do inner soul-searching to start to separate the difference between what society deems to have a happy life and what I really believe will make my life happy. But the main thing I realized is that I am going to have to like my lady much more than I love them…but I guess I will have to talk about that on a future post.

What do you think about the 27 Dresses and 27 Tuxes Complex? Are you or anyone you know suffering from this? Speak On It!!

Enhanced by Zemanta
About these ads

20 responses to “The 27 Dresses and 27 Tuxes Complex

  1. I think you bring up a great point, I’ve watched the movie. I thought it was a decent movie too. Funny, especially if you can apply it to your life. Hopefully you’re people are getting married for the right reason. I know I’m not jumping too soon either. Even though I don’t want to be the old man in the club, I don’t want to be the man going through divorce.

    I’m being optimistic that the wedding will come.

  2. My belief is this–everyone aint marriage material, male or female. It takes a special person to get married, not cheat, stay true and in love with their husband/wife. If it’s for you, it will happen in due time. I have an aunt who is in her mid-40’s and never been married. She is always in the wedding but never had one. She wants to get married so badly but I think that is why she isn’t married.

    You should feel the need to get married to your boo, not a want. When it’s a want, or just something to do because everyone else is doing it, it won’t happen. Straight up.

  3. Just wanted to say quickly that I really agree with a LOT of what you said. And I got a good laugh at the titles “The Go for Broke Marriage Woman” and “I Don’t Want to be the Old Dude in the Club” because I’ve HEARD that. Lol.

    I’ll give my reasoning a little later!

    Great post D!

  4. Good ass post right here!!! I need to check out the other marriage one you did too!

    I will comment and say that I could do nothing but agree with you how women where marriage as a badge of honor instead of a display of their love. I have seen chicks flashing on chicks with their ring when they dude get on chicks like he 21!!! LHH!!

  5. Love love love this! As a woman in my mid twenties I am sometimes questioned about when am I getting married; and as a woman its often followed by when r the babies coming? Ughhh!!! I’m not one of those girls looking to marry the next guy that speaks to me. I’m still developing myself and want to be complete and whole when that time comes. I don’t believe in half stepping. U nailed it with this one D!

  6. LMFAO!! I dig the categories. I hope people take some of this in! Qauit defining yourself but this fucked up worlds standards

  7. I haven’t seen the movie, but I gather from the reference what the premise is. I must agree with your opinion of this topic. I know people who get married “because we’ve been together forever”, yet they’ve never had a healthy relationship with their mate. I’ve only been a bridesmaid once and I will admit watching my YoungeR sister being married off hit a cord with me, but I dissected my belief and desire to be married and snapped out of it. I’m not ready to be married, therefore I’m incapable of being the great wife that I know someday I will be! All and all, I say marry forever, not as a temporary fix…!

  8. OMG everyone calls me 27 Dresses! I had to go out and get the movie to see what everyone was talking about (in my best Men on Films voice “haaated it!!) I mean I didn’t hate it, but I was like this is not me! Sure I’ve been in a TON of weddings, but if there is anything I’ve learned from my 27 Dresses experience is that I may not want a wedding at all or if I do, it’ll be simple and I’ll throw a big party 5 years into my marriage to celebrate the MARRIAGE and LOVE and the LONGEVITY. Please know that a Wedding and Marriage are viewed as two different things in people’s minds. As people approach or by pass the big 3-o they start feeling the crunch that society puts on them. I’m with you. Don’t let society dictate nathan! Do you, be the best you can be and if that complementary yin to your yang comes along, great, if not, you’re still doing you in a happy and healthy way. *Looking forward to this “you gotta like more than you love” piece :)

  9. I’m definitely the marrying-type and know that it’s something I need for that “total package/complete happiness” experience. I just think it’s important that at the end of the day, if you’re of the marrying type you find yourself linked up with the marrying type; likewise if you’re not, then don’t link up with the marrying type. Major issues arise when you try to mesh the two/when you two aren’t on the same page.

  10. What’s crazy is I have been the 27 dresses chick and even wanted to force the issue of marriage on my last guy which I believe eventually pushed him away from me…damn this is an eerie post here but very very good!!

  11. Pingback: The 27 Dresses/27 Tuxes Complex·

  12. The only grievance I had with this post was the “time-table” comment. How long is a woman really supposed to wait? I’ve known women in “good” relationships who have been with men for eight years or more and want to be married. We have to think about the future. We only have so long to have children and so on. I think a woman really needs to consider if a relationship is worth staying in if she desires to be married and have children and it isn’t progressing towards that. I don’t have a set time-table, but I do know that it’s important to be honest with myself and be prepared to decide if it’s worth staying and possibly giving up the opportunity for things I want in the future.

    People do tend to get desperate as their friends begin to marry. You have to know what’s important. You don’t get married and then forget about it. It’s not a trophy to attain and put on a shelf. Marriage is what it’s about, not just getting married.

    My ideas are a little different. I’m waiting for marriage for relations and living together. I only plan to marry once, so I refuse to rush the decision.

    Very thought provoking post!

    • Thanks for coming thru…The reason I said timetable is we have false pretenses of timetables. yes there can be a point where there is a put up or shut up period BUT some folks be like after 3 years its time to get married. The thing I am saying is if you and your mate timetables don’t match up than maybe you all need to re-evaluated the situation instead of pressuring it or totally throwing it away

      • You make a good point. Just so long as the discussion doesn’t turn into an ultimatum…which would defeat the whole purpose. Your mate should be aware of your timeline and whether or not it’s being adjusted. He should never be blindsided with the deadline. Completely valid point, sir.

  13. Pingback: Freestyle Friday: The Know It All Edition « Indigo Moods·

  14. Pingback: Kenny Robinson: My New Hero « From Ashy to Classy·

  15. I had to post on this. I am Mr 27 Tuxes, lol. Never seen the movie but I may check it out now. My two best friends from middle school have or will be getting married within a year of each other. I’m actually going back home next week for one. My parents ask me, why I’m in so many weddings and when I’m going to take that step.

    Although I love my parents dearly and appreciate the fact they have been together 31 years, I have grown to understand that there are other factors that play into them still being together that has little to do with love. Staying together for the children and what have you. So my ideas and theories of marriage are scattered between finding true love and maintaining a life style. I’m glad they have stayed together but sometimes feel they are miserable. I understand why people put value in the society’s ideal relationship situation but like you said, people (present company included) need to evaluate themselves deeper and more thoroughly constantly and then when they get into a relationship need to be able to do that together before there is any talk of a ring.

    I must admit, in the past year I have been bit by the “oh damn, 30 is right around the corner maybe it’s time to settle down” bug and the “don’t want to wait too late to start the dynasty to pass on my infinite knowledge” bug but I also know people who have gone through the dread divorce and it’s never a pretty thing. Concentrate on being happy is what I say. You should grow in love not fall in it.

    I know she’s out there for me but if not I will not let that define me. I could go on and on about this but you obviously get what I’m saying.

    Great Post!
    *searches netflix for 27 Dresses*

  16. Pingback: Caught The Garter Belt, Now What? « From Ashy to Classy·

  17. Pingback: Would You Be In Your Gay Son’s Or Best Friends Wedding? « From Ashy to Classy·

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s