This guest post is from actually the first person who ever guest post on From Ashy to Classy…Keita Wheats(@K_wheats). Keita’s first post was “It was All A Dream…Our Views on Relationships” and got a people talking about our perceptions of how relationships should go. This time Keita visits with a article directed straight to the ladies about what she feels maybe unwarranted preferences instead of looking at what their priorities are. Without further ado check out Ms. Wheats with her second appearance…
Evaluating Priorities vs. Preferences
I am in no way a relationship expert. Let’s just get that out of the way. I hope I don’t lose any friends or followers with this one, but I really have to address some things. Alright, so we’re in this era of ‘relationship gurus’ and people who claim to be the experts (i.e. Two- time divorcee Steve Harvey). Then we have the people who just offer insights to people who are questioning their singleness (i.e. Eligible bachelor Hill Harper). I’ve read both authors’ books, and they were interesting to say the least. I could have done without them. Ladies, it seems like we read these books, searching for a quick fix or remedy. A “How To Guide” on finding a GOOD man. Let us tell it, the men are the ones with the problem. Either they aren’t ready to commit, there aren’t enough, or they’re all just dogs. These could or could not be true but that may be depending on who you ask. Is this really why a gang of us are single? Are we really saying that if we had more delectable options, we’d be in marital bliss by now?
What if…..Maybe it’s you? No really. Let’s think about it. Maybe you’re beautiful, educated (whatever that means), adventurous, talented, have your own house and car. Maybe you think you’re the best thing since sliced bread.
So, you think,” What man wouldn’t want me?”
I would think the same thing. But then you have this list of 35 things that ‘He’ has to have, can’t do, must like and should be. You have deal breakers that are teetering the line of ridiculous. I don’t get it. I mean, yeah we all should have standards, but for each little bullet point you make, each check mark, every spreadsheet you’re shrinking your network of available men, thus decreasing your odds of finding a GOOD man, OR a GOOD man finding you. I think sometimes with women there’s this sense of entitlement. Just because you are beautiful and successful, doesn’t mean you get a free pass to have whoever you want. We feel like we’ve worked this hard, gone to grad school, saved our money. Worked out everyday, only ate the finest of organic cuisine, and prayed and now this “Man” should just fall into our lap…I wish.
But here comes the kicker. Once you find this fantasy man who has met all of your criteria. He’s passed inspection and looks to be just what you wanted on paper, he actually has to like you. People still have to fit. You have to be able to get along.
I think sometimes women forget that while you’re sitting around waiting for this person to appear, you could be missing out on ten guys who have potential. And when I say potential, I don’t mean some bust down who needs a complete renovation, but someone who has most of what you’re looking for and you don’t mind bending on some things. There should come a point where you’re not confusing preferences with priorities.
For instance someone believing in God may be a high priority. That may be something you can’t bend on no matter what. Someone needing to be 6’6” may however just be a preference. I think the older we get, the more we need to focus on priorities over preferences. Everyone may not be as blessed as you are to have flawless skin, perfect height and weight and speak three languages, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a chance.
I know there are people who don’t date men with kids. Okay, I can understand some hesitation in this area. I wouldn’t wanna date someone who had a small choir of children either. But if you look at it, some of us are pushing 30(or already 30 +). And for those of us in the group that don’t have kids, we’re the minority. Once again this shrinks your network of available men. I know people that won’t date someone unless they have a college degree, or white collar job…the list goes on. I’m all for people having standards. I have them. I have preferences too. I just hope that as we get older and wiser, we really start to focus on the priorities when looking at options for dating material.
We can’t continue pointing fingers and saying whose fault it is, and not accept any responsibility. Maybe it is you. Maybe if you spent more time on finding ways to expand your network and be open to the possibilities, you could see that it’s possible the man you’re looking for is right in front of you.
Check out more of Keita Wheats at her twitter account @k_wheats
- Is “Thinking Like A Man” Part Of The Solution Or The Problem? (blackandmarriedwithkids.com)
- Ladies (And Fellas), Name Your Price (fancyayancey.wordpress.com)
- ‘Sh*t Steve Harvey says,’ a video taking aim at his questionable advice (thegrio.com)
- The Perfect Woman: An Argument for Commitment (singleblackmale.org)
- Women, Stop Complaining About Men Following Our D*cks – Because It Lead Us To YOU (thisisyourconscience.com)
- Seriously! It’s NOT You, It’s ME! (up4discussion.org)