We all hate the break-up and as much as we can work to have some form of preventative maintenance the inevitable is that we are at some point in our life going to be broken up with. It doesn’t matter if you are Sexy Susie or Macaroni Tony at some point someone is not going to be feeling your steelo…relationships are all relative aren’t they? Many times when someone breaks-up with us or is not interested any more we contend that it was something wrong with the other person. Sometimes we don’t practice self-accountability or awareness to see what we could have done wrong in the situation (See: Do You Know Your Relationship Credit Score?“). This week I am honored to have this week Michele Grant (@onechele) of Black and Bougie who is a terrific blogger who has even won a Black Weblog Award For Best Series. I also will be guest on her Blog Talk Radio program this evening at 9:30 EST/ 8:30 CST. You can listen to the live program or the recording of it RIGHT HERE.
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Author’s Note: I am not a relationship expert. But I’ve been there, done that and written the book (literally). So from time to time I share my thoughts on matters such as these. Take them in the (non-expert) spirit in which they were written. Enjoy!
At least once a week, someone (under the illusion that I am a relationship expert) sends me a lengthy email detailing a break-up and asking, “Why me?” Nine times out of ten, the answer is right there – if one just cared to see it. I don’t say this with any measure of glee. I’ve been set aside (okay kicked to the curb) a time or two myself. It’s never fun but it’s often avoidable.
Last week, I was contacted by a confused gent who had been seeing a young lady for three months. He had just received a brief, tart, “we’re done, son” text from the lady. He said he felt blindsided. Swore everything was fine as far as he was concerned. I asked him a few questions, he answered and we had an “A-ha!” moment.
If you’ve ever wondered, “What did I do wrong?” – here are some of the top infractions:
You played hard to get – How’d that work out for you? There is some truth to the “thrill of the chase” but the real truth is – folks get tired. It’s like when you played Hide and Seek as kids. There was always the one kid who hid so well that the other kids got tired of chasing him and went to get a snack instead? Yep, that’s what hard to get nets you if you play too long.
You wouldn’t open up – No, I’m not talking about physically. (That’s later in the list) When someone opens up to you, say’s cool things “I like you” and “You make me happy” and all they get is smile and a nod in return? No bueno. No one wants to open a vein and share their innermost thoughts and feelings only to have them ignored or rebuffed. And you can’t reciprocate – that’s something you should say early and often.
The “cocoa” wasn’t right – Yes, that’s my euphemism for naked mambo. Either you gave up the cocoa too quickly (giving the impression that you pass it out with double scoops), you are terrible at “stirring the cocoa”, or you held onto the cocoa like it was the Holy Grail. Who knows? Cocoa (the good, the bad and the ugly) makes people crazy. Embarrassing as it is to discuss – it’s better to set those type of expectations from jump. If you’re the kind of girl who swings from chandeliers and has leather attached to your bedposts, you might want to share that. If you’re the kind of guy who expects cocoa on full boil daily, that’s discussion worthy. Good luck. And be careful out there!
Dollar Dollar Bill$ y’all – I’m not an advocate of buying your way into someone’s heart. I’m also not an advocate of a person spending their 401(k) to turn Pookie/Peaches into Preston/Priscilla. I believe people need to be on the same page financially. If one person is okay with the other being on the come up so be it. But nothing kills a relationship quicker than shady finances. Don’t wait until your s/o has to sign for the certified letter from the IRS to tell them you have a few “issues” with your debt ratio.
You didn’t give as good as you got–This could be anything from communication, finance, romance, cocoa, disclosure, affection, or attention. If one partner is putting in 80% and the other is putting in 20% – someone is going to get weary on the journey. No one wants to feel taken advan
tage of and no one wants to give, give, give with no get in return. No one wants to be sucked dry. Wait. That’s not what I meant. Ya’ll know what I mean. Mind out of the gutter.
Moving on. In closing, these are but five things that can stall a relationship and they are all fixable. In the case of the gent who contacted me, he was a “play it cool” guy. This is a combination of the “hard to get” and “wouldn’t open up” issues listed above. This involves one party not wanting to let the other party know how into them they are. Yeah… not a good look. And girlie got tired of trying to guess if old girl was as committed to the relationship as she was so she bounced. He reached out and actually talked to her. They are going to give it another try. The moral to this story (as with so many others)? Communication is the key.
So tell me… those of you that have been “excused from the party.” Do you know why you were fired from the position of significant other? Was there something you could have done to stop it? Do share…
Michele Grant is a native Texan, sports fan and Mexican food enthusiast. A self-described Southern chick with a thought (or two), a keyboard and a sense of humor – she is a writer, lover of all things purple and speaker of mind. Her books, Heard it All Before andSweet Little Lies are in stores now. You can find Michele blogging atwww.blacknbougie.com, tweeting as @TheOneChele or via email at onechele@gmail.com.
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Last break up I was told “I didn’t give enough of myself” – to which I replied “what more do you need”? But this puts an interesting perspective on it
I have fell victim to a lot of these damn…smh! I gotta do better in not provoking someone to dismiss me or find a man that deal with my BS
“Naked mambo”? HA!
Anyway, I hate the play it cool guy. He gets cut quicker than anyone else. Life is too short for me to mind read.
Great Blog this morning…
Oft times in my dealings with the fairer sex it’s always been the “it’s me, not you” thing where they swear everything is great but something just wasn’t right…In the last TWO cases (yeah, I know!) it was that very thing; turns out in both cases I was sent out to pasture and then the chicks turned right around, got into a relationship and were pregnant within months, (example, I was dumped in June 2010, she is due this June 3rd, 2011 lol). So turns out they wanted “cocoa” they just didn’t want “cocoa” from me!
As to my reasons why I’ve been repeatedly dumped I don’t know, my boys and those close to me say that I’m far too nice for today’s women and need to develop some “dog”. Perhaps I’m a traditionalist with these things but the “nice guys finish last” theory is proving true so I may need to learn some other tactics. LOL Great blog, thanks for sharing!
-skrap
Bro you sound like one of my home boys right now…like verbatim and I tell him the same thing! Get a little asshole in ya pimp! Balance the game! LOL!
I know…I was raised right so it’s hard to deprogram yourself and just go out and start violating all willy nilly and whatnot but desperate times call for desperate measures. Starting to think that women appreciate a little crazy in their man rather than to have a well mannered and upstanding cat all the time…once I get all this manner out of me then hide your wives and daughters. LOL
I will say that women want more of a dude who is strong but still caring. They dont want to the super nice guy ya know. Its just a thought of the alpha male thing. Some women do want crazy but I would feel most women just want some form of an alpha male
I need a post on it in my Marcus Graham series if you want to peep on Alpha/Beta Males
http://ashy2classy.net/2010/11/10/the-marcus-graham-chronicles-the-gerard-effect-learning-from-beta-males/
I agree with Diggame.. women LOVE an Alpha male. A man that exudes confidence.. a man’s man. When i see some dudes that have more female friends than male friends, that let’s me know he’s not an Alpha male and his energy is mostly feminine. Oddly enough, those are the type of dudes that get dumped a lot and by good women.
Step up your male energy, that’s all.
Lol @ D! You would tell him to balance it with “asshole.”
Skrap, don’t get it twisted! I know a lot of women that appreciate a well mannered, upstanding men. No really, I do. Lol. But I’ve also heard from these same women that they’ve mistaken “too nice” for pushover. IDK. It really depends on the woman, but D does make a good point. Lol.
Alpha male yes, but he gotta know the difference between showing some backbone and showing his entire backside.
Most definitely its all about balance!!
you were dumped and then they were with someone else and preganant within the next couple of months. You might’ve be bad in bed.
Nah…me and the first one were pretty “healthy” with ours…never got that far with the second chick. Dumped is a pretty strong term to use as in both cases it never got further than a month or so of dates and going out before the separate ways went into effect. I ain’t as good as I was when I was 22, but I ain’t bad. lol
What if absolutely none of these is true?
Sounds like you need to have a conversation with somebody
This ish is real. Riley cosign.
This post is bawse.
*fist bump*
I let someone go a few months ago because of #4 and #5… too much giving on my part and not enough receiving. One thing I did learn in the process is that it’s ok to sit back and receive, because I am good enough regardless.
There are two you forgot – the person who got dumped out of sheer ratchery. And the person who got dumped becasue they wanted to be the one to break up first. Not that I know anything about this.
Chele! I mess with you for this post! Chicks and dudes be thinking its somebody all the time when it maybe that YOU are really WACK!
*curtsies* Just trying to keep it all the way real
I’ m going to need this blown up poster size and laminated. Preciate it.
I will have to come to skrapdiggy’s aid here! Some women do want that dude that is almost unattainable why the man who has all his stuff together is pushed to the wayside. Its only after they get in there late 30s they start to realize their foolishness. But then you already got a chick and they sitting there having caught the vapors!!
Appreciate the effort…shit got way twisted here from the initial intent. I ain’t shamed to say that it was me in prolly both these cases. The first chick was just something to do but she beat me to the breakup punch. LOL
Whatever the case in the breakup scenario I think the main point is that men and women have to be able to accept their role in the event. I have no problem admitting that I wasn’t trying as hard as I could have and that was that. But I ain’t living with any regret on that. Live and learn and find someone cuter the next time.
Love how she put a moral on the story. Classic.
Good piece! Communication is, indeed, key. Many of the problems that people have in their relationships emerge because of poor communication. I find that some people don’t want to discuss certain topics and think that talking about certain topics too much is unattractive, but talking about those topics can communicate something very important that needs to be addressed. Once the other party has addressed those topics that a person keeps bringing up, then the person can progress. I think we have to be more open, flexible, and transparent in our relationships because the lack of openness, flexibility, and transparency is why many relationships fail.
Thanks for not making this gender-specific. It definitely runs both ways on most of these.
So that’s the reason why??
These are all good reasons. Finding what works and doesn’t work for you can be selfish but you have to be happy.
All good reasons…I don’t have much to add except the: “she’s (or he’s) just not that into you reason”. Some of my girlfriends and I have discussed dating someone we were CLEARLY not interested in at first just to see what MAY happen. Stepping outside our comfort zone so to speak. Its only so long that you can fake like you’re really into the guy. Sometimes it works long term, other times it doesn’t and the guy ends up dumped! Sadly some women will let a relationship like this go on for years