There’s a notion that many men have lost their chivalry or romance, while some men believe that women have been just as much a determinant. During the post “Battle of the Sexes: Is Chivalry Dead or Just in a Coma?“, fellow blogger MaxFab of Max Logic debated the idea of chivalry in today’s society. I’m the first to admit many dudes are slippin’ on their pimpin’ when it comes to pursuing the opposite sex – but, some women have jaded some men in terms of chivalry and romance. It’s like a constant circle of wackness in dating. But, sometimes a lot of the wackness on the males part really comes down to how much he really wants to pursue the woman (see “I’ll Hit But I Won’t Make You Wifey”). Is it that men are just lacking in “the game” or social skills in wooing a woman, or is it that women allow men to be lazy in their game? This week’s guest blogger is Shannon Bennett (@MsTBennett) – and she’s a very special guest blogger! She is the designer of the brand new From Ashy to Classy Logo (see it here). In this guest post she’ll relate her story…of not wanting the first date to be on her couch…
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Handsome and seemingly intelligent man (HSIM): “Hey, we should hang out! I’d like to get to know more about you.”
Me: “That sounds cool! What did you have in mind?”
HSIM: “Well, what do you like to do?”
Me: “Go to art museums, skate, bowl, festivals, the movies…anything fun really! What about you?”
HSIM: “…Can I come over? We can just watch a movie or something….”
Me: …..
*conversation proceeds into ratchetness*
Wait…. What?
I must have missed a dating memo!!! *runs off to check email, Twitter, and FB accounts*
I’ll freely admit I’m no pro at this dating game. I was in a committed relationship for a lil over 5 years. As a result, and a personal rule, I try very hard to keep an open mind when I meet someone new. I realize I may still be getting used to the dating scene. But honey, there’s no reason you should even know what the inside of my crib looks like on the first date. People are f’in CRAZY out here, or hasn’t anyone noticed?! Trust me, I know (Fool me once…you get the point…) Whatever happened to meeting at a neutral spot (i.e. restaurant, coffee spot, festival)? So whyyyyy? *Cee-lo Green voice* WHY has the above conversation been the norm, rather than the exception?
I’m not claiming perfection in all my past actions – sadly, I’m stating this from experience *face-palm*. These handsome seemingly intelligent men don’t hesitate to ask for what I’ll henceforth name the “Bullshit Date.” On said Bullshit Date the man comes to my house, sits on my nice comfy couch, eats my delicious home-cooked food and watches my movies. Hmmm…maybe he even splurged at Redbox?! *swoons* Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of movie nights and snuggle time. Shoutout to Netflix! But let’s get something straight – unless I actually know you, our first interactions alone should never be within the comforts of my home. Sticking to that precedent helps prevent a lot of misconceptions…trust me.
On one hand, I guess I should thank these HSIM for being so up-front… it saves BOTH of us from wasting our time – I won’t go around thinking he’s a certain type of man, and he won’t have to put in any more lackluster effort to get some ass. WIN-WIN! On the other hand, I can’t help but be disappointed…you’re not even going to TRY for common social etiquette?? That’s why I don’t blink an eye when, inevitably, I have to say, “I think we’re looking for different things. Thanks for the offer (not really), but no thanks!” Some of the men handle it with the aplomb born of thousands of rejections and take it in-stride (ouch).
Others…Well… not so much.
Now, I’m not saying there aren’t men out there that take the initiative, plan outings and approach women with enough respect to at least ask them on a date to a free museum. Lol. There are! Thank God for ya’ll! But really, at the end of the day, I’m just a little disgusted at the lack of thought and decency I’ve been encountering lately. And here I thought I keep my expectations reachable…
So don’t worry – however handsome and seemingly intelligent you may be, if I suddenly drop off the face of the earth after you propose such ridiculousness to me, you already know the deal.
Note: In general, I never instantly stop contact. I stray away from burning bridges preemptively. I attempt another option/idea. But, in the most recent instances they never even blink a eye before suggesting, again – hanging out at my place. Classy.
Related articles
- Is Chivalry DEAD Or Just In A COMA?! [Battle Of The Sexes Is Back] (thisisyourconscience.com)
- Chivalry: WTF happened? (disappointedlove.wordpress.com)
- Ten Acts of Desperation Women Perform to Keep Mr. Right (singleblackmale.org)
- 5 Signs You’re Dating An Insecure Man (goddessintellect.com)
- A Conversation with CHIVALRY (writerzblockblog.wordpress.com)
Great post Shannon!! These men definitely need to step their game up!!
Thanks Carey!! Yeah, some of them definitely do. Lol BUT, I realize its not just them. Most of the men that approached me that way probably did it because its worked before. Lol. They won’t keep laying down game that doesn’t work at all! So its also up to women to set their standards.
People just don’t really date anymore. I don’t mind chilling at home on the couch and watching a movie, cooking and all that good jazz. But I had to learn to actually get out the house and do other things. I think it depends on someone’s personality.
I know many of my female friends always remind me of this. I remember one even canceled a date with someone because he wanted to just come over. I found it strange but I keep hearing this pattern with women. Good post- some more encouragement for me to get out.
Yeah, I agree with you, but I DO think people date -if that’s what both parties want to do. I love cooking, watching movies, hanging out too – but not in the get-to-know-you phase. For me, that’s something better left to when you get to know the person better.
I’m glad your girl let it be know that that wasn’t okay with her. Those were her standards and she stuck to em! And hey, going out is FUN. Add going out with someone you’re interested in and that’s the recipe for a good day. Lol.
Great post………
Funny thing is I think its the norm for most women to be alright with the first date being at their home or the others home. Then you are looked at as being old fashion and not with the times and need to get with it? I try to keep an open mind about how different people build relationships but………a first date isn’t even offered anymore. I now get told 50/50, they pay first then i pay next. I believe my standards are reachable, but these guys haven’t been stepping up to the plate lately.
*sigh* I just can’t picture this being the norm. This can’t be life!!! Lol.
And I mean hey, I really do try to keep myself upbeat about it all. I totally get “these guys haven’t been stepping up to the plate lately.” I think that’s why I wrote this post. Frustration egged me on! But, there ARE men that are willing to do that stuff. We just have to be willing to say no to the ones that aren’t.
I feel where the post is coming from BUT…I will saay this! Why go the extra mile for a female when she is gonna give me the cooch for minimal mandatory time wasting?? Also on the flip saide a woman should take advantage of same dude who feelsa that trickin and saimpin isa going to get him everywhere
Bwahahahaha @ “minimal mandatory time wasting.” See! That’s exactly what I was thinking when I denied every guy that came to me on that tip. SMH. If women out here are letting men get everything for nothing, the women who DO want more automatically get less.
I still think I’m winnin. Lol. If the man actually takes the time to plan something as simple as a date (to show honest interest), he has potential! If not? *shrug* You already know the story!
It all comes back to “nobody can treat you a way that you adon’t want to be treated…” What messes it up for women are the other women who allow it to happen. So do you get mad at the guy for asking, or shold you check your counter part for perpetuating it? Ultimately is there anything wrong with coming by on the first date? No. He may not any intentions that go beyond food and a movie. I’d have to admit that my mindset would be, “I’m not special, and how often has she done this to get so comfortable that she allowed me to come by really soon, how many other guys have been in this same position and how far did they get?” So she would be placed in a box, that she couldn’t get out of. Unworthy* That may be a little harsh, but how many chances do you get to make a first impression? So ultimately I don’t see this as a guy problem, because who wants to take the long way to the store? Females have to check each other….
I think you make a really valid point. It really comes down to each person, right? I’m not saying his intentions couldn’t have been innocent *blank stare*- what I AM saying is that I wasn’t going to put myself in a position to find out. Lol. Having someone new over at my place off jump street sets the wrong precedent no matter his intent. If I say I’m not comfortable with you coming over on the first date, he should respect that and be willing to make plans accordingly. *shrug*
As for my sistas, yeah, you’re right. *le sigh* As I said earlier “If women out here are letting men get everything for nothing, the women who DO want more automatically get less. ” But what’s the point at raging at the machine? My friends and I handle ourselves the way we want men to. It’s not about getting mad at a guy for asking – its as simple as turning him down and moving on to someone that understands why I’M asking for something more than a BD. Lol.
Great Post! One thing I think many people forget is that every man/woman isn’t you. You have to remember that any time a guy treats you a certain way, there’s an expected response. And usually that response stems from a line of others who have confirmed that these actions will more times than not lead to the desired result. With that being said there’s really no surprise at the lack of guys who use Creativity and Originality when it comes to first and second dates. If you deal with enough women that openly embrace letting you into their home, eating their food, and watching their television, you begin to get comfortable with that way of thinking. It’s sad but it’s not until some men realize that they have to WORK and put forth effort to get those amenities that they step up to the plate and try to be different. Luckily I myself have never had that problem
Either way great post and I hope someone took something away from this!
“And usually that response stems from a line of others who have confirmed that these actions will more times than not lead to the desired result.” <—– Makes total sense!
And yeah, I'd say you were right about the lack of creativity. Lol. Like other people have mentioned – if you can get in cool without doing anything, why would they? I know why I would…but people can be lookin for different things…
Great Post!! I will have to say a lot of dudes are definitely lazy with the game(like I said in my intro)! But I will say this many times the woman dictates the games landscape. If women were like heyyy we don’t want to give it up to dudes in Benzs but we love DUMP TRUCKS! You wouldn’t be able to keeo dump trucks off the lot!
I talked about this in further depth in my post if yall want to peep….
http://ashy2classy.net/2010/09/27/girl-you-aint-fly-but-its-something-about-your-noncie/
“Many times the woman dictates the games landscape.” TABERNACLE! Lol
I agree if I don’t already know you…no you can’t come to my house. Dating just isn’t the same these days.
Great post!!
Yep, dating is def different! But at least it hasn’t totally disappeared from the scene…yet. Lol.
if a women cant do simple things like watch tv talk, drink wine, do a good movie on the first date, then cut her loooooose man.. This is a good way to read a woman. If shes still fixed on demands and checklists, keep it moving. Save your money, and take the chick out on a really nice date after the 2nd or 3rd outing. Its to many women out here, so why play yourself. The ball is in your court fellaz. Get to know the woman without spending money first, then make her wifey!
Lol. But who says she may not like to do those simple things? It just may be AFTER she gets to know you and is comfortable with you! Saying “save your money” these days is such a cop-out! I don’t know where you live, but I live in Chicago (city of there’s always free ish to do!). Lol. I have a FREE app that lets me know when and where there are free events going on in the city. I check it nearly every weekend. I mean sheesh, that’s EASY. Lol
You can find the one I have here! Chicaog Free Events iPhone App —> http://www.chicagohotblog.com/chicago-free-events-iphone-app
Its not about spending a gwap on her man…
The “Bullshit Date” lol.. that term is so appropriate. Our culture is different now. The game has changed. More women date around more than they use to but still want the old benefits, which can be bullshit also. A lot of females have boyfriends or guys they are attached to mentally and or physically but will want to go on traditional dates and claim to be single. From that, a lot of guys started using the BS date IMO.
The lady did mention several spots like the art museum… not just one kind of date scenario in which she would be interested in, this should of been a huge signal for the guy and he should have offered more just a couch date. For this particular situation, it was some bullshit to offer the couch right off the bat IMO
I do think our culture is different now. But I don’t quite get the whole “More women date around more than they use to but still want the old benefits.” Men have always dated like that right? Lol. It think that’s def situational…though I get what you mean! I mean heck, most people want their cake and eat it too. Happens aaaallll the time.
And yeah, thank you for noticing I gave a LOT of options! Who doesn’t like to bowl?? Lol
Reminds me of that Little Brother song “Step Yo Game Up” and I quote: “Why the Fuck I wanna come over and chill on your couch…” lol classic
Anyway, nice post. Creativity in relationships needs to be shared. In my experience when people say, “I want to do something different” it just means anything but dinner and a movie. And that museum/art gallery stuff sounds good in theory, but really that’s just what people say to sound like they have class. I like to go hear a speaker at a college but I end up going alone to those #fail
I must admit, I’ve been on a said “Bullshit Date” but it was the woman who suggested it. Just goes to show you that bullshit knows no gender
I feel you on this. I feel you on this. Couples that play together, stay together…or something like that. Lol. I mean forreal, we like what we like. If those women couldn’t appreciate going to hear a speaker then maybe the date wasn’t supposed to happen? IDK. When he asked me what I liked to do I just rattled off the most prominent stuff in my mind. I LIKE doing all that stuff – its not for show! And I’m sure there are other women out here who do as well, just like I know there are men who do!
“Just goes to show you that bullshit knows no gender.” <—-Bwahahaha. Truth!
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It’s really not safe in our contemporary period to let the first interactions with a person we’re trying to get to know better to take place within the confines of our home/apartment. Women should really not allow this to take place. It’s one of the easiest ways to make yourself more likely to be raped in your own place. You have to get to know these guys better because some of us men are sexual predators. Sexual predators are out there just waiting for you to say, “Sure, come on over.” Very good and engaging piece!
Hide ya kids, hide ya wife! Lol. I know, I know…but I couldn’t help myself. *sheepish shrug*
But yeah, of COURSE it’s not safe. And that’s one of the things I tried to point out in the very beginning. You don’t know this dude from Adam, and he’s coming over to lay under your snuggie? A stranger is still a stranger, even if he IS a HSIM. Not a good look, IMO. Watch ya back! Lol. Thanks for the comment!
Lol! Yes, hide ya kids, hide ya wife. Lol.
Its also plain tacky and rude to invite yourself over somebody’s house and you just met them. People have no manners anymore. Plus as a woman your taking a huge risk in letting a stranger in your house. This is very childish high school college behavior..so surprised that grown ass men are behaving as such. Quite disappointing, and repulsive!
My question is why should a man pay all that dough. I prefer chicks who get the sex out the way so we can see if our chemical flow is the same
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@Red Viagra: I think that by the time you end up deciding to go on a date with someone, you have a feeling of the type of woman she may be… You should get a lot out of the conversations that you have BEFORE even going out on a date… You would know a bougie chick from a down-to-earth chick if your radar is right… You have to understand though, that it shows that you’re interested in a woman if you put forth some effort in planning something… Even if you decide on something initially and let her take the reigns for part 2 of the date just to spread the duties evenly… The statement that MsTBennett said, “If women out here are letting men get everything for nothing, the women who DO want more automatically get less, ” is so true… Going to someones crib can give a misinterpretation of expectation… If a guy invites you to his home, cooks for you, and yall are chillin, he may think that things can go further than if you were at a neutral spot… I’m not using a hypothetical situation… this happens… Yes, the ball is in your court, but if you want someone who’s real and can potentially be someone in your life for the long haul, put some effort into it!
@O’Dell: I think that you’re absolutely right… I have personally had to to take a step back with some men and think to myself, the way he approached me, since he doesn’t know me, is how he approaches every woman, why? Because other women have let him do it… Some of us let some things “slide” with the notion that we will show a man how to treat us… It’s really all about demanding respect… sometimes, you don’t even have to say a word, just let your actions speak for you! O, to your point that we need to check our sistas… I feel what you’re saying, but HOW! I wish I could do a seminar everyday to these lil chicks about self respect and how their ratchedness is making it harder for good women to get a date! It seems like dudes standards have dwindled to nothing and that the chicks who don’t care about themselves or will do WHATEVER to catch the eye of a respectable man, in a way, make men not want to have a GOOD woman, that won’t take JUST ANYTHING, with them! Dudes always say that they hate drama and ratched females, but what do we see out and about, on tv and etc… the opposite of what they say they want… I’ma stop here… GREAT BLOG MSTBENNETT!
Thanks for the link! And a-friggin’ men. I was beginning to think it was just me. “Hey, wanna chill?” at like 11:30 pm. Uhmmmm NO!
I totally agree, I wrote about something similar and yes, men…we need you to get it together!!
it is so good thanks