The Marcus Graham Chronicles: Man, You Don’t F**k Her Feet

The Marcus Graham Chronicles is my personal journey of dealing with love and relationships. It is called the Marcus Graham Chronicles because of my affinity for the movie “Boomerang” and how the main character of Marcus Graham relates to me as the “black professional” man. You can check out earlier posts in this series HERE.

We all have our small quirks and idiosyncrasies when it comes to relationships. Some people have height, weight, education and looks  ideals they many swear by. There is nothing wrong with having standards but is there a point where we can become a slave to our own standards? Can there be a point where we let those things we “want” overshadow the things we “need”? Where is the line drawn from being just a “Choosey Lover” to plainly having our standards unrealistic?

I mean I am not asking if people should just roll with whatever but can we take it too far? There is a scene in Boomerang where Marcus Graham is telling Gerard and Tyler his date from the previous night. The woman was beautiful from top to bottom except for her feet!

Marcus … “You never, ever think a woman that fine would have hammer time in her shoe.”
Tyler … “Come on man, you don’t fuck her feet. Damn!”

Though I agree with Marcus about Hammer Time in the shoe because I have a no tolerance policy for jacked up feet as well. But, Tyler does bring up a great point even though his delivery maybe have come off crass and overly simplistic. The notion of how we get so focused on certain negative aspects of a person that we neglect to see all the positives the person can bring into one’s life is one that should be taken from Tyler’s statement. I am a victim of things many of a times in my life hence the reason for The Marcus Graham Chronicles. I have let women go for great reasons to some very stupid reasons. Here are a few interesting situations I have left…

I remember years back I was dating a very attractive woman who many people were always biggin’ me up when they saw us out together. She was actually a great woman educated with a master’s degree, great job, no kids, cool personality, and definitely was a caring woman. The problem was….her coochie was pungent as hell! No seriously it was bad! The first few times we thronxed I thought maybe I was buggin’ cause usually it was after a lot of alcohol and things just weren’t working right! Until we got down one time sober and I realized that didn’t have a damn thing to do with my senses being off. No her coochie really was pungent!  I remember after telling one of my boys he was like “Yo, she too fine to drop her cause of that just by her a gang of douche for her birthday.” I thought it was totally acceptable for bouncin’ but maybe I could have figured something out right?

That may have been an extreme case above but I have done worse. I remember I was dating a chick and all the same things above can still apply except she worked for a beer company so I had even MORE incentive to date her. After I went out on some dates with  her I concluded in my mind that she was too square for me *face palm*.  I know as much as people can call me weird or nerdy who am I calling someone else “square” right? It was just something about her that came off not common sense or street smart enough for me. I mean I am a nerd but I would want a chick to have some kind of “street” sense right? Damn there goes that stupid list of criteria we all try to abhor people to striking again.

Finally, there was another great woman I let pass who was a great chick and definitely was down for the team, smart, not as educated but that was cool, and was super laid back but the problem was her body naked looked like a 10-year-old boy. Yep I bounced from the situation because I couldn’t stand to look at a 10 year olds body in bed. I know you are waiting for me to add more to this story but there is none. Yep, there is no punch line that was truly the reason. *face palm*

The interesting part about these situations (ok maybe 2) are that I could have put some of that proverbial mental checklist in my pocket and tried to dig deeper into these women before I exited stage left. I mean let’s keep it real it’s not like I am the flyest dude walking on the planet don’t get it twisted I still pop by collar. But how can I hold someone to certain ridiculous ideals as I have stated above and then get upset when certain women Pass me By like Pharcyde said. We are always complaining about how this and that person passed us over but many of us do not look internally and realize how many people we have ished on ourselves. I mean the Onus can be on us right?

Upon Marcus quest for “perfection” he was dropping women from some of the most random reasons. He was so caught up in the checklist of things he felt he wanted instead of looking internally and realizing what it is he needed from a woman. It took for him to get his heart handed to him by Jacqueline( Why Do I Love Jacqueline’s?) to begin to see that the checklist doesn’t mean a damn if the person doesn’t generally love and care about you. The list we all have many sometimes do more hindrance to our lives than help. Think about it like this have you ever went to the grocery store and found EVERYTHING you wanted to get on your list? You still were able to function without finding that special type of orange juice right?

Marcus realized just like I have over the last few years that those ridiculous ideals don’t really mean a damn when it comes to this game called love because of a woman isn’t really into you for you then it may not matter how much Hammer Time she has in her shoe. Ok maybe not Hammer Time in the shoe but ehhh you get the point….

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19 responses to “The Marcus Graham Chronicles: Man, You Don’t F**k Her Feet

  1. This is freakin hilarious bro!!! But through your stories I definitely see the angle you are coming from in this post. I am always skeptikal of the chick who says they are too much for dudes. Then when you talk to them you find out they have more contradictions in their ideals than the King James version of the bible!

  2. OMG, you made me spit out out my Starbucks this morning. Hilarious. I know we all have dealbreakers—but your girl with the sour puss, she may need to get that checked out. That sounds like a health issue.

  3. I don’t see anything wrong with your three dismissals. They represented where you were at those points in your life. and if you felt you had the opportunity to get with women who didn’t have non-negotiable flaws, go with it. I do find that men will focus on the one negative characteristic or incident and ignore all the positive. If there was one time she opened the door and didn’t have her hair done, greet you like you’re the prince of Zmunda, etc., men can focus on that while ignoring the 73 other times she opened that door, dolled up, and enthusiastic.

    I look around and I think for a lot of people, they aren’t realistic about who they can get and keep. There are sponge-bob-square-ass having, tennis ball headed women out here thinking they’re going to turn Idris Alba’s head. Naw. He married (and divorced) someone who is polished and quite fly. So these regular broads are out here dismissing men for shyt like the dude still having a silver filling in his back tooth. Yes, I know a chick who did that.

  4. Let me please rectify one “wrong” you think you’ve done: the odor. Yes, yes, yes. That IS a reason to bounce. I’m a woman, and therefore have all the right to state that. Not only is it just plain out yucky, but there could be some underlying health issues too. Anyhow, good luck on your Black Weblog Awards thing.

  5. I have to agree with the other two people who mentioned this before me – the odor was DEFINITELY a reason to chuck the deuces. That’s NOT okay – I don’t care how fine she was.

    Hilarious post – I know we’ve all had situations like this where we look back like dang…did I really let him/her go because she didn’t do A, B or C? It takes some time to realize what’s important in the long run and what really shouldn’t be a concern.

    • I’ve let some “good” women go for jacked up reasons too. However, my only mistake was that I sometimes wasn’t as kind as I should have been in breaking up. Our instincts have developed over hundreds of thousands of years. If you just didn’t think it was “right,” you did the right thing in getting out. Just remember what I have learned the hard way…there is rarely a reason to be mean/cruel.

  6. First and foremost, I am new to your blog. This is the first article that I have indulged in and I most say, “Great read”. I totally understand your sentiments with the three scenarios. I find myself disgusted by the simplest things. One of my biggest turn offs is when a man has not been properly lined after leaving the barbershop. I also have a thing about dirty shoes. If a man does not take the time to clean his shoes, chances are he does not clean his a$$ properly. Petty, yeah! But, I can’t help it. So, I totally feel you on body odor, street smarts, and body type.

  7. I have a list/deal breakers that I use to guide me through dating. I have a pretty clear idea of what I want and I am willing to wait for it (but I am still flexible). I too refuse to date guys for reasons like he is shorter than me, can’t play ball (at least be able to beat me), etc. But, my list is not set in stone and I am open to the idea that my future spouse may not fit perfectly into my list. So, I use the list to guide me, but the “butterfly effect” always trumps the list/deal breakers.

  8. This is too funny! You made me spit my soda out eating my lunch! That girl needs to do more than douche she needs to eat better foods! But, to your post you relly bring it on this by weaving your own personal stories into the movie Boomerang. You really brought up some great points into the idea of what we want vs. what we need

  9. I feel that it is ok to have a preference on things that you look for in an ideal mate, so as long as those things do not keep you, (like you mentioned) from really getting to know that person. I think the point you raised is very real, and the examples you gave are symbolic of things we often hold against people. I feel most people really need to realize that we all have flaws, and getting carried away with trying to create (because you will not find it!) this perfect person is unreal and not necessarily fair, and will essentially make you miss out on many great people.

    peace and <3

  10. This post is amazing!

    I can definitely relate. I can be picky too, but I don’t care. Some things I just can’t tolerate. Call me petty if you like. In regards to the women the stanky danky…that is NO GO! Ain’t no way I would have stayed in the situation. By the way, you meant to say that she smelled repugnant. And that is the WORST! How can a woman be oblivious to that?

    I feel you on the chick with the little boys body. I wouldn’t be able to do that either. It just wouldn’t feel right. I know some things can be a little extreme, but I believe there are certain standards that need to be met. But hey…that’s just me.

  11. “A pimp told me if I love her I should let her go” – Common

    You knew you could do better that’s why you dropped these women. While I am 100% on board with you about not letting our list run out of control, you still owe it to the woman to dip if you don’t legitimately like her. Having been Mr. “Stuck around for the convenient ass” all my life, I wish I would’ve had some standards in my younger years, because chances are I could have met my soul mate earlier instead of faking interest in some convenient tail.

    Great write-up I need to watch Boomerang again and reminisce on when Halle was every black man’s dream…

  12. I sincerely wish you would have told that chick about herself. I only say this because you were intimate with her & you most definitely would have been doing her a favor. I had a co worker like that as well none of the girls wanted to go to the ladies room after her. I wanted to tell this woman so bad, but I figured it just wasn’t my place. I totally understand your reasons for bouncing though with all three of them, don’t get me wrong. No one can force something with someone if it’s just not there. I knew a nice guy who I wasn’t attracted to initially, but we had good conversation & he grew on me. Getting to know more about him though I later found out he didn’t believe in God. So double whammy…that was my deal breaker! Looking back in retrospect I have no regrets @ all about him. I made the right decision, I’m sure you did too…well except for Ms.”No man should enter zone” (;o)…really wish you would have told her. The least she deserved from you was a PSA (private service announcement:).

    • Yeah, maybe he could have found a nice way to tell her that her yang was funky, but the other women of whom you wrote also dropped the ball. Sistas should be looking out for their own. Females, tell her what she needs to know!

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