This past weekend was the seminal holiday of Father’s Day. The reason I call it seminal is because like Chris Rock said that fathers don’t get all the thanks for holding down everything in the household or for his children. A father hold
s it down for the family at all costs to make sure his future generations can have something to hold to. The idea of Father’s Day is something that gets shuffled out of the deck in our society. When I am talking about father’s in no way am I talking about the proverbial…BABY DADDY! Oh yes!….The BABY DADDY! The term Baby daddy itself has become more iconic than saying father. Even to the point I am wondering if we need to have a 2nd holiday just for Baby daddies.
This Father’s Day and like many over the last few years have been filled with the conditional Father’s Day shout outs:
“Happy Father’s Day to the real daddy’s who pay child support“
“Happy Father’s Day to the father’s who know all their kids names”
“Happy Father’s Day to my mom who is the only Dad I had.”
“Happy Father’s Day to men who take care of all their babies.”
I saw so many variations of the conditional Father’s Day messages I was wondering if they had a Hallmark line for baby daddies or “conditional” fathers. When I say this I mean this with the most respect and earnest that I can but I am being as blunt as possible to some women…”TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS!” The same can be said for the brothas who always want to talk slick about their baby mamas but this post is particularly to the women who couldn’t let the fathers have their day.
What I mean by this is I saw so many women with tweets, Facebook statuses, and blogs ishing on men for not being fathers, not being real men, or men not being man enough to hold down a family. This is all on the day that is supposed to be a day to thank the fathers! If your baby daddy or father wasn’t in your life than obviously Father’s Day wasn’t meant for them. Why not let the brothas who are holding it down for the children have ONE day to get some thanks without any snide and backhanded compliments?
Ladies, if you have issues with your daddy from what he did back in ’91! GET OVER IT! You can’t be 27 years and still blaming the fact 
your father wasn’t in your life for whatever discrepancies you have in your life. I understand that not having a father growing up is a deficiency. But like I said in my post “Life is Like a Dice Game” we can’t complain on the way the dice comes out for us we just have to learn how to play the rolls of the dice and live to make our lives better. Are you going to let the fact your father wasn’t there effect your relationships with men for the rest of your life? There is no need to harbor all that negative energy because at the end of the day it will only hurt YOU! We can decide what energy we take in and the energy we radiate to the world.
This is one of the reasons that men have to be good father’s to not only keep them off the pole but to keep them from being bitter women and understanding the dynamic of a man…which can be one of the core problem’s that some women have within a relationship.
If a woman has a bad “baby daddy” or father of her children she has to look at herself just as much as she has to look at the down trodden man. I mean you did let this “triflin” brotha hit it right? I would say 8 out of 10 times that the man displayed characteristics that weren’t aligned with being a good father. How did you get in the situation of having a child with a man who you knew wasn’t responsible in the first place? What is it about myself that attracted me to this man? When you got with Dante you knew he had 5 children by 4 women already so what did you think it was going to be about you that was really going to change this man? When you got with Corey he didn’t have any drive or hustle about him so did you think he could be a good provider
?
I understand there are some brothas out there who aren’t being the best fathers to their children but why let that negative energy consume you and your child. In most case when I see a woman who trashes their “baby daddy” I know three things: she is an insecure person, she has no ability to self-reflect, and she may inadvertently be brewing a generation of bitter children. Some women don’t understand by trashing the father that they are only creating the breeding ground for a man hating woman who blames most of her problems on men or the Oedipus complex man who never can take his mouth off the teat of his mother. The negative energy we create in ourselves isn’t just our own when we bring kids into this world.
Kids feel the negative energy that flows through us especially when it comes to interactions with their mother/father. So ladies the next time you have something bad to say about “baby daddy” think that what you are saying about him is a reflection on you just as much as him. And ladies you can’t harbor negative energy to your father the rest of your life because like my Granny Barbara always says “You only get ONE DAD and ONE MOM. You just have to love and deal with the one’s God gave you.”
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You do know that I’m about to do a guest post for you without all the super flowery language and be brutally honest right?
You didn’t think I went hard enough huh…lol
Fam, you know me. The title of the guest post is going to be “Birds of a Feather F*** Together”. I calling folks out on their shit. You’re 30 now so you don’t go as hard as I will lol.
Here are the responses I give:
“My baby father ain’t shyt.” <—But you had sex with him. Were you raped?
"My baby momma ain't shyt." <—But you had sex with her. Were you raped?
"My baby momma doesn't let me see my kids." <—Have you gone through the court system?
"My baby daddy doesn't ever see his kids. He ain't shyt." <—But you want him to be an influence on your kids anyway?
"It just happen. I was pregnant. I was stuck." <—Abortion was legal though. Hell, now you can take a Plan B or get a less invasive abortion that involved taking a pill.
As a result of these responses, I don't get too much conversation on such topics.
If you would have caught me at an early age, I would have been putting out negative energy about sorry dads but I’ve grown since then. My mother has always taught me not to hold a grudge against my father. I do think fathers get a bad reputation. More and more negative jokes and innuendos surround this holiday versus everyone’s favorite Mother’s Day. I even read a post about cards for mothers on Father’s Day. Wow.
Excellent! I had such thoughts myself. Why can’t we celebrate those fathers doing what they do without having to mention the ones that aren’t. I mean: it’s Father’s Day! And these “ladies” would be the first to cry foul if anyone messed over them on Mother’s Day.Listen; you knew before you had that baby that he was no good. You knew he had no intentions of living up to what was in your mind; especially if you knew he had kids with numerous other women. So, let’s not be all bitter. teach your sons to do better, and honor those that do right & show your daughters that every man is not the same. Take your life lessons and fgrow from them; and encourage your children to love unconditionally. After all, people can and do change. And maybe, just maybe, one day that “baby daddy” will be the best father that ever was. I’m just saying!
Thabk you! Thank you for this post! You repped for the men on this one! Especially all the shit I heard while Father’s Day was going on. But, another thing you didn’t bring up is the idea that you may hate your dad but what if your mom wasn’t on her up and up either and you just didn’t know. And how about even if your mom trapped your dad or your mom was your Dad’s side piece and you weren’t made out of love? Just some extra points to think about
I understand where you’re coming from. I was saying to my boyfriend on Sunday that I never see any “Happy Mothers day to the real mothers out there” conditional messages. My father wasn’t involved in my life at all until very late, but I had a stepfather who was, so I wasn’t raised to be bitter or angry. The way he was before he reentered my life, it wouldn’t have been a benefit to have him in my life anyway. Sometimes we have to be grateful that people aren’t in our lives, you know? That said, it may not be as simple for some people, male and female to “get over it” when a father wasn’t there. There are psychological factors that influence all future relationships and even the personality. Yes, some women know the character of the man before they get pregnant, but some men can hold it together just long enough to to sleeep with them then move on.
At the end of the day, I appreciate my biological father because that’s how I got here; whether he did anything else, I can thank him for his role in that. If you can’t say anything nice, you can say thanks for my being here, or nothing at all. There’s no reason, in my opinion, to bash the man…or the woman he had a child with.
Excellent post, fam! I couldn’t said it better myself. I am always miffed by those who wanna address their own “agenda” on Father’s Day. If you’re a single mom, you’re a MOM…not a father. Period. I understand their pain but they forget that we are all the sum of our choices and decisions. Every person we sleep with has the possibility of being someone that we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives.
Let the father’s…all father’s…enjoy THEIR day. We don’t look for pats on the back. We do what we’re supposed to do. Period. I’m thankful for my father. He is the man who showed me how to be a man. I’m also thankful for my 3 sons who have made me an even better man.
As a father ( as well as mothers) we must give our kids 3 things…LOVE, DISCIPLINE, and AN EXAMPLE TO FOLLOW.
Great post again, fam!
Personally I CRINGE when I hear the terms Baby Daddy/Mama. To my knowledge I’ve never called my children’s father that mainly because he’s never given me a reason to. If the child support was delayed or he couldn’t help us financially, I didn’t cuss him out in front of our children. Times are tough for single parents cuz you’re raising your children essentially by yourself. Why continue to make it harder for yourself by damaging the image your child has of their other parent? That won’t make Dad/Mom do right and you just look STUPID! YOU slept with them! While you’re dishing blame, save some for yourself! Your children should form their own opinions about their absent father/mother, not latch on to your hurt and and anger inspired rants! Accept responsibility for what YOU’VE done and end the “Baby Daddy/Mama” cycle by raising your children with all of the love you have and show them how GREAT a parent YOU are!
While I think that people should honor Father’s Day as a day to give thanks to the fathers who are doing their jobs, I do not think that we should be trying to coerce people to suppress their displeasure and anger with men who have wronged them and who have not lived up to their responsibilities too, even on Father’s Day. Even though there is a considerable amount of unhappiness with men on Father’s Day, the way in which many people honor fathers on this day far outweighs the expressions of unhappiness with men who don’t meet their responsibilities. I very much agree with the spirit of your article, however.
Yeah I thought it was sad to see all the “conditional” wishes as well. Good ppl make mistakes and have shortcomings. If it hurts more to have them regularly in your life, you can love them from afar and keep it moving.
Good article! Good comments! After reading this I’m having a School Daze moment, “WAKE UP!!!!” That was School Daze wasn’t it? lol. All of this is a cry for help in our community. People are hurting. If you saw lots of conditional Father’s Day wishes then that should be a sign to you that a lot of adults(namely women) are hurting which in turn means a lot of children are hurting. So we can speak all day about the uncouthness of the father’s day shout outs, but in my opinion, there’s a greater issue to be discussed. Use all of this, to make the light bulbs go off, and say( men), “I may have to not only step up to the plate for my own family, but I may have to also step up to the plate for the next family.” We are at a point in life where it’s just not enough to be a good influence to your own kids. Afterall, your children will not grow up, and marry their brothers and sisters. Thank you good men for all you have done and all you do. Unfortunately, I must inform you that you now have double duty, as do I. So yes, we all have to do better. We all have to start making better decisions; because as long as we continue to behave foolhardily, we will indeed continue to create more work which could possibly lead to more frustrations. But I guess this is just the 2011 version of shedding blood to move forward the generation that follows us…
You are definitely speaking truth her sista!! It takes a village to raise a child!
Why do men have to still be associated with being trash triflin though you called the article to be in accountability for their owm behaviors and actions it feels as if it still comes at the cost of the image of man
I put the triflin on quotes because of the idea of and issue of relevance to idea. Its subjective at the end of the day what is considered a good man or who is triflin? The image of a man is defined by what he defines and presents himself as
Cheers & Applause, Digg……………cheers and applause…………………
I really do hate the term “Baby Daddy” and “Baby Mama”…glad to hear others feel the same way…great post D! It’s the truth many women don’t want to hear but really need to sit back and reflect on how they got in this position to bash the father of their child/children in the first place. I always say there are signs of what your situation will be like before it occures. Why do we ignore the signs and expect a different outcome? The biggest answer is women really do think they have the power to change a man…like if he didn’t stay with 4 previous “baby mamas” I am the one who will make him stay…it is a stupid concept but I’ve heard women admit when they got pregnant they decided to keep the baby hoping their man would change and stay with them…it’s sad but very popular. I don’t know any bad fathers so I am always sad at the comments that are made. They fail to realize this is not motivating great fathers to continue on and it is also not the way to bring around the dads who haven’t been the best in the past
Now this is a great post. I’m in agreement with you, it really takes away from fathers when people constantly have to add on subliminal shots after a congratulation. It’s suppose to be a positive and joyous holiday, just like Mother’s Day, but some people just have to focus on the negative.
You don’t see many people talking about the mother’s who abandoned their children or aborted ‘would be’ children on Mother’s Day. So why take shots at fathers on Father’s Day. It’s like a complete lack of respect. I believe it just boils down to a lot of people not respecting men in general. Men as a whole take a lot of heat and blame for the actions of a few individuals. This as a result conditions society into believing that it’s okay to not give a man the props and respect that he truly deserves. It’s sad when you sit back and think about it.
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I don’t mean to bring the fire away from this post BUT what about those real dead beat dads what DO you say about them? We can’t just let it continue to happen. Those men not being around directly effect women and children’s lives
Those dead beat dads DO NOT deserve a shoutout on Father’s Day…they are not Fathers so why bring the negativity up and take the shine away from men who are doing what they are suppose to be doing
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I loved it and your right…..women should give props to the men handling there’s an stop focsing on the ones who aren’t. They are hurt and bitter that’s all and lack the mental capacity and understanding of how to appropriately communicate their pain. We can’t changed the past…I I mean there was a time at least for 60secs that you liked the guy or else the baby wouldn’t be here I’m just saying …I’m even guilty of it sometimes but keep up the awesome work
..4 And ye fathers provoke not your children to wrath but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Ephesians 6.In the vernacular of today s slang the term Baby-Daddy denotes one who fathers a child outside of wedlock. Some Baby -Daddies have gone on to produce even more children out-of-wedlock making worse an already confusing situation in not providing a stable homelife and instruction for the child..From a Christian perspective Baby-Daddies cheapen the role God had set for the father of children.
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