Images and perception are everything in this world we live it. One main thing that has been proliferated throughout our society is that people (particularly women) need to wait till marriage to have sex. We have seen so many images of virginal ideals depicted throughout history through religion, movies, books, and even Father’s, fearing their daughter will become like one of the freaks they had tossed up back in ’77.
A few years ago during the Bush Administration there was a major push by the Conservative Christian section of society. They began pushing propaganda – being a virgin until marriage. Instead of teaching and educating teens about sex they wanted to them to practice the opposite of Nike…”Just don’t do it”. Now, I understand the need for teenagers wait on having sex, BUT, for an adult, that has to be one of the dumbest things they could agree too. Having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend before marriage should not only be a part of the relationship, it should be near a damn requirement to qualify that person as marriage material.
There was an article o
n CNN entitled “Why Are Young Christians Not Waiting Anymore?” (shout out to Eddie Holman for pluggin me with the article). The article discussed young Christians who had given the virginity pledge, yet went against the pledge as they’d gotten older and started having sex. It brought up that waiting to have sex before marriage (this was/still is directed towards women – at the end of the day hegemonic order rules and most men aren’t attacked for breaking it) was more present in a time when people were marrying at 13. The problem we have today is that the average marrying age in America is over 30. So, you expect a dude/chick to wait till then to get some?…C’mon son.
The funniest thing is the same people who want to tell others to not have pre-marital sex are people (who 9 times out of 10) that had a few Richards and Noncies on their resume in their past. Sarah Palin and Glen Rice come to mind… I hear many men tell their daughters to stay as virginal as possible but condone their boys to sow their wild oats. It’s hypocritical as hell but its understandable – men don’t want their daughter to be the Freaky Lisa who used to suck him off after his flag football games in college. But, will her refusal to participate in per-martial sex be the best for herself or the man she’s dating?
Like I stated earlier, I’m not condoning or promoting teenagers having sex. But, for grown-ass men and women I don’t see why there should be a questions about it. Yes, a relationship isn’t all about sex, but seriously, let’s take notice of the elephant in the room people. Sex is a very important factor of a relationship. Most marriages break up because of finances and sex. Think about this – most of the time people cheat because of it. Being with someone forever and the sex/intimacy being sparse or wack is one of my personal fears - 
it should be one of yours too. It’s true that perception is everything. One person can be the best someone has ever had, while the next person could think they’re like a 40-year-old-virgin in the sack.
Here are three reasons I think not having sex with your partner before marriage is a setup for failure:
Sex is the ultimate form of intimacy…don’t you want your partner to be good at it?
Picture this – you’ve just gotten married and it’s your wedding night. You and your partner get down to the consummation and you realize, well, they’re wack as hell in bed. Not only are they wack the first night, but wack over the next 5 years. O_O Imagine they don’t even want to have sex most of the time. They’d rather play Call of Duty or watch a marathon of Basketball Wives. Now you’re thinking the person you thought was sooooo great…isn’t that great. Feelin’ like you bought a Mercedes-Benz only to find out they have a Yugo engine. What if they don’t have the passion you do? Does that not complicate your marriage some? Some of those small arguments become a little more heated now because you aren’t being physically satisfied. There is only so much romancing and trying you can do with someone who is ill-equipped to satisfy your needs. You would have known this during your dating time if you had already had sex with the person and had “Your Moment of Clarity”
There can be a direct correlation between sex and a person’s true relationship personality
I’m a big believer of looking at person during sexual interaction because I think this is somewhat reflective of how they’d be in our relationship. From my experience, I can directly correlate how much a woman is willing to give in a relationship (with me or without me) from her sexual interactions. During sex is one of the few times a person is striped down (literally and figuratively) and you can really see their passion and desire. Does the person give you their all during sex? Does it feel like they are holding back? Do they even want it? Will they juggle your balls on the ride home? Does he refuse to go “Downtown” and only let’s you go down on him? At some point you would think that person would want to give their all to satisfy the one they love, so what guarantee is it that will be any different when you are married? Will the person be willing to do anything for you as their mate if they are not willing to do things sexually (within in reason of course)?
There is a scientific chemical make-up that shows compatibility from sex
There is a science to sex outside of procreation – or maybe in connection to it. A woman gives off certain pheromones, particularly when she is ovulating. A man picks up on this and produces a chemical that sends a “bid” out to the woman. The woman’s pheromones then decide if she is going to choose him or not. If she does “choose” him the woman’s chemicals want to intertwine with the man and things get poppin like the south side of Chicago on New Year’s Eve. These chemicals are our natural organic attraction device. During sex both men and women release oxytocin. They can decide, on a chemical level, if we’re going to be compatible. Of course, this chemical makeup isn’t everything as deductive reasoning comes into play, BUT, it does make you think about how our bodies are made and how our body can tell us about compatibility. Also keep in mind, just because you have great sex with Ray Ray from the mailroom doesn’t mean you are totally compatible for marriage either. (Check out some more info on Dr.Veronica’s Blog)
There’s so much that goes into a relationship that it’s easy to neglect certain aspects of it. Now, I’m not saying a person should dismiss someone just because they aren’t putting it down like Lexington Steele or Melrose Foxx. Lol. But, I think, a person who doesn’t believe sex is a big part of compatibility is only setting themselves up for big failure. Everyone should strive to find whatever balance they need out of their life.
At the end of the day a person needs to have their mind, body and spirit quenched by their mate. Getting married, unlike many people believe, will not solve ALL relationship issues.
Related articles
- Open Friday: Am I Wrong For Breaking Off The Engagement? (ashy2classy.net)
- Open Friday: My Man Doesn’t Try to Have Sex With Me (ashy2classy.net)
- Open Friday: Can’t Get Over Her Lies and Sexual Past! (ashy2classy.net)
- Open Friday: She Can’t Be Ready For Marriage! (ashy2classy.net)
- Sex Education: The War on Children (rippdemup.com)
The Pounder
September 29, 2011
I am with you on this! Great way to convey the message on sex. Can’t wait to hear what some of the ladies have to say
Jessie
September 29, 2011
I understand your logic here but why does sex have to be soooo important? There are so many more dynamics to a relationship. Men some times do not realize this and this is the problem many relationship problems happen. I dig a lot og your posts but I would advise you to think more with your head between your ears than the one between your legs!!
WomanOfVirtue
October 1, 2011
If a man can’t love me FROM HIS HEART UP then he’s not capable to nor will I let him do so FROM HIS WAIST DOWN … Thank you Jesse! :^)
O'Dell Harmon
September 29, 2011
Great post! If you’re a virgin and you want to wait unti marriage then I can understand… If you’re not and you want to wait with me, I’m going to take it as “I’m not as into you as I was my previous partners I didn’t marry.”. Shaky ground. You just gotta do it. lol Great post!
Rose
September 29, 2011
Just stopping by – enjoyed the read, thx!
Tiffany
September 29, 2011
Ohhh this is a tricky one. I didn’t get to read all your points but I read enough to know your feelings (re: waiting is the dumbest thing to do). The topic of fornication had been on my mind since attending a church conference on the subject. Point blank, it shouldn’t be done. We’re human and we sin. I’m not making excuses for why I do it, just saying we know its a sin just like cheating, stealing, etc…no sin is greater than the next so lets not pretend its ok just because our body is weak. So like I said, this is a tricky one, but at the end of the day, we know its not right, no matter how good it feels. Pleasure is but for a moment, hell lasts a life time (speaking to myself, please don’t take this personal).
The Pounder
September 29, 2011
Tiffany question…so do you not feel that its rather funny those who made these “laws” of no fornication abused them the most?
Tiffany
September 29, 2011
Send me to the scripture you’re referring to…what I know is no man is perfect, so yes, even those who wrote the Bible had flaws. But above all, I go with what it says because those words were sent to those men from God the Father…who am I to be against it? And I’m not being smart-at-the-mouth by asking you to send me to the scripture..I’m serious. We learn through reading the Word, not going off our own misconceptions.
The Pounder
September 29, 2011
We differ of the jump because I don’t the bible literal. More as a philospohical instruction with Truths of how to live your life.
If you look at historical pretense that were going down when the many laws or mandates were given you will see why they were included in the bible.
We have evolved as a people so shouldn’t the text it self be reevaluated for the time we live in?
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
How do you send a scripture about the people that wrote (or interpreted) then abused the scripture after the fact?
Last time I checked priest confessed their sins. They didn’t write them down -and if they did the church didn’t send out bible addendum.
2blu2btru
September 29, 2011
As someone who is a virgin and waiting until marriage, there are a few things I could say about this. I can’t control what other people say and do, but I advocate no sex before marriage because of religious reasons as well as some of your pro-sex reasons. I don’t want to be chemically altered to be affectionate to anyone who hasn’t made a commitment/ covenant with me. I know a lot of people who stuck with bad relationships because of good sex.
I find that I see my relationships a lot clearer because I’m not blinded by great sex. Someone who wants to be with me has to share my values or we are unequally yoked, meaning someone is being dragged along (not my preferred method of transportation). I want someone who is “good” at sex, but we can discover what the other likes in our marriage without having to unlearn doing what some other person liked. I am in a fulfilling, intimate relationship without sex.
At the end of the day, you have to answer to your own value system and beliefs until Judgment. I applaud people who speak for what’s right, even when having to concede they’ve fallen short as well. That’s my two cents, anyway.
Eddie Holman
September 29, 2011
2Blu,
“I don’t want to be chemically altered to be affectionate to anyone who hasn’t made a commitment/ covenant with me. I know a lot of people who stuck with bad relationships because of good sex. ”
I am not sure how you guarantee avoiding this by simply waiting. First off – A person can be in a bad relationship that IS a marriage. Second, If good sex is what clouded their (the people you were referring too) judgement before a marriage there is nothing to say it wouldn’t do so if postponed to their wedding night (meaning they were always gonna be weak vs. some good-good).
I think the point of the post is that – waiting till marriage as a relationship/life plan -for all its “merits” – has just as many flaws. But so does not waiting. There simply is no simple solution.
2blu2btru
September 30, 2011
What I meantis it is a scientific fact that sex releases a vchemical reaction in women that bonds them with the other person. Chemical bonds are formed between mothers and children as well. It’s natural and keeps people from just abandoning relationships with their family (mostly), which is good when a relationship is good. I’m not into premature chemical bonding. I would rather actually get to know you and let a connection develop mentally, to decide whether I want to be bonded with you for longer than a sex act. That’s just my personal preference.
I’m not proposing a solution for anyone. As a Christian and from a practical standpoint, I expressed my viewpoint, which is opposite of the authors; if it seems “flawed” and doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. The author’s point didn’t work for me, either.
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
“I would rather actually get to know you and let a connection develop mentally, to decide whether I want to be bonded with you for longer than a sex act. That’s just my personal preference. ”
So then its okay to have sex in a long term committed relationship that is not a marriage?
That seems a bit contradictory.
Also I appreciate that you use both your faith AND science to argue your opinion. (No sarcasm their – I really do appreciate it).
2blu2btru
October 4, 2011
Nope, not in a long term relationship; the bonding physically would still be after marrying for me. I’ve been with the BF for 3 years and 10 months tomorrow, and he STILL isn’t sleeping with me.
The Pounder
October 5, 2011
Is he suppose to not have sex with any other women? Does he abstain from just you or period? Who’s idea was it to abstain?
b corin
April 23, 2012
“First off – A person can be in a bad relationship that IS a marriage.” +1 for this
Ace
September 29, 2011
I think marriage and what marriage represents need to be separated. Marriage is an emotional commitment, and indication of love and devotion (at least for some). It is a common shared understanding and desire for coexistence. These characteristics, and others that marriage is supposed to represent, are what are important. And yes, sex is much safer and much better in these confines. It is a fundamentally emotional experience which causes unparalleled vulnerability. That security that a committed relationship provides makes sex better and safer. It helps make it uninhibited, primal, how it should be. We have a fantasy that it is the responsibility of the person pleasuring the other person to be good, but the one of the receiving end has to be open to receiving pleasure. They must relieve themselves of their insecurities, and this becomes much easier in a loving relationship predicated upon acceptance and honesty. I’m not saying you have to wait for marriage. In the modern age, that is becoming more and more unrealistic, but I think you should wait for a certain level of emotional maturity and security, where you can safely handle an experience like having sex.
Sex can correlate to one’s relationship personality, but so can their food preference, or their devotion to a sport or activity. That doesn’t mean that their sexual performance will necessarily correlate to their relationship personality. I would imagine that you have transposed your past partners’ sexual performance onto their relationship performance, therefore over or under valuing their commitment and actions. For example, if a your partner is very passionate and generous in bed, then you probably think everything else they do is that much better, like going out to dinner, or the way they tell jokes, or whatever. The same is true in reverse. Think about your past relationships, and I think you’ll find I’m probably right. Although, I don’t know you, so I can’t be arrogant enough to assume I’m right
There may be a scientific chemical makeup which indicates sexual attraction or compatibility, but relationships go beyond that. That chemical makeup (if you’re a believer in evolutionary biology) is directed toward successful reproduction and survival, not toward compatibility. Sex and relationships are two different things, though they intersect quite often. The really interesting thing to note is that sexual compatibility can be changed by emotional and personality compatibility. This means that, if two people can’t stand to be around each other, then chances are they will not be sexually compatible, even if they are both attractive and their hormones respond as they should. If two people are emotionally in tune, then that relationship can develop sexual compatibility. This is why you constantly see unattractive people with one another. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s the truth. An emotional connection can translate into a sexual connection, but it rarely works as readily in the other direction.
Regardless, to each their own. If you’re not hurting anyone, then you are free to conduct your relationships as you please.
Liz
September 29, 2011
I’d agree to a point. If u had sex before marriage on a regular… Then yes, it should be a very important part of the relationship. But if not having had sex… And u found out u didn’t match.. Well… U rolled the dice… But @ least attempt to change it. If it doesn’t then u both need to evaluate how important it was & is in the relationship for u both. & decide whether the cons are better than the pros & vice versa of course… So really… Its about how important it is to the individual. There’s a match for everybody n that department. So u just have to decide what level of importance is to u first. Then when u decide to be with. Somebody… U decide the level in the relationship.
Woody
September 29, 2011
Who are we to disregard a perfect loving father who provided a book of instruction for our own benefit bcuz our imperfect minds n fleshly desires r not in harmony with his will? Look where disobedience to realizing Gods wisdom to purs put adam n eve and all their descendants ncluded u n me..sin death.sickness.in which their is no cure xcept Gods.grace..a world of.6000 yrs of imperfect reasonings has brought society n gener further from following Gods law n look what it has lead to..unwantdd pregs stdz heartache n worse a damaged relationship with God..how can u pray the lords prayer asking for HIS will to b done n kingdom to come on earth yet not comply to the laws of that righteous kingdom..he blessez the effort thpse put forth to abstain n understandz imperfect flesh but im sure his heart broken about those who blatantly disrezpect him n act as if he doesnt see what goes on. Out of love he gave us a book on morality to follow so we wuldnt b hury findin out the hardwY that he was rite n the long run. He didnt have to. But only b drawing close to him thru prayer n bible study will the knowledge affect ones heart to put his standards above their own. Thas true godly fear n love for him not superficial. But if one doesnt then of course personal opinions cum bfor perfect wisdom…speaking from spiritiual stand..a relationship with God strengthens a connection n marriage is realized then sex deepens the.bond that was their prior to marriGe. Bcuz I want to b a citizen of Gods kingdom when it takes affect over the earth m keepn it btween me n the husband..lesson well learnd. If I culd go bak n wait I def wuldve
Eddie Holman
September 29, 2011
I believe in perfect loving father. I believe that he provided a book of instruction to follow and reference his word. But also know that while “THE” Bible exists- most people are reading “A” Bible or to be more specific a translation. Someone else interpretation (or even worse intent) of what the the word of god means. How can you take that literally with out question? I’ll give you an example (albeit lengthy I apologize). Here is my question – why so many interpretations of the same bible verse 1 Corinthians 7:2? And how many subsequent interpretations of each of these statements can be derived?
New International Version (©1984)
But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
New Living Translation (©2007)
But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
English Standard Version (©2001)
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.
International Standard Version (©2008)
Because sexual immorality is so rampant, every man should have his own wife, and every woman should have her own husband.
GOD’S WORD® Translation (©1995)
But in order to avoid sexual sins, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
King James Bible
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
American King James Version
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
American Standard Version
But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
Bible in Basic English
But because of the desires of the flesh, let every man have his wife, and every woman her husband.
Douay-Rheims Bible
But for fear of fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Darby Bible Translation
but on account of fornications, let each have his own wife, and each woman have her own husband.
English Revised Version
But, because of fornications, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
Webster’s Bible Translation
Nevertheless, to avoid lewdness, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Weymouth New Testament
But because there is so much fornication every man should have a wife of his own, and every woman should have a husband.
World English Bible
But, because of sexual immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
Young’s Literal Translation
and because of the whoredom let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her proper husband;
Woody
September 29, 2011
Many interpretations but still convey the same message. Jus like a teacher gives nstruction n culd many forms but the point of the lesson to b taugjt remains the same..n dont u think God bein able to for see mans future wuld make sure what he wantd to teach us wouldnt b able to b altered [lesson to give that is….y is it that we always seek a means to justify netjhing contrary to blak n white..jus sayn..a thorough search nto scripture reveals true ntentions of the heart..Gods word bein a delight or burden
Ace
September 30, 2011
Ok, so let’s try and use a different example. The NSR Bible does not contain any mention of the Holy Trinity. It was thrown out by Christian practitioners and scholars because they deemed it to be a fake fabrication which was not in the original Bible. So, do you believe in the Trinity or not? And based on that, which version of the Bible do you believe in? You also talk about how God would not allow his word to be altered, and yet the text of the Bible has been changed multiple times. So how do we know which parts are the word of God?
Look, there are a lot of issues with the Bible, and I am not questioning your faith in it. However, I do admonish you to learn what you’re talking about. Religion and scripture are very sensitive matters, and you should not brazenly talk about them without having some knowledge of what they say. Are you aware that Leviticus claims you can cure leprocy by sprinkling bird’s blood around your house? Did you know that Mark says you can test a woman for adultery by making her drink a mixture of holy water and dirt? Did you know that Jesus never claims, in the entire Bible, unequivocally that he is the begotten son of God?
Understand your text and your faith before you advocate it in a public forum. Otherwise, you will cause yourself distress and receive antagonistic responses from others. No faith is perfect, but if you’re going to advocate it, do not do so in ignorance.
Woody
September 29, 2011
Oh n if one waits to have sex when married n they find they not sexually compatible then make it a matter of prayer. Afterall u waited bcuz of morality standRds then trust God to work it out n due season if u dont give out. Thas how faith works n the things unseen. Effort is always blessed bfor disobedience
Stacy T.
September 29, 2011
Good post D!! I honestly think some people are really fronting on this post knowing they are dippin and slidin sexually with a partner right now! I am glad you keep it 110% on this post! Sex does matter its a deeper than just sex BUT it is important as hell because intimacy and feeling is a part of love. I swear some of yall need to quit frontin
Diggame
September 29, 2011
For the record Eddie is taking yall to church right now…figuratively and literally!! Continue folks
Diggame
September 29, 2011
Oh I also did a podcast where kinda of go more indepth on this topic..,
http://u4d.podbean.com/2011/09/29/freaks-in-the-fastlane/
Tasha BelleButters Burton
September 29, 2011
Sex isn’t done just for pleasure and I feel that many people who choose to wait before marrying view it this way. Sex aside from it being physical, is a way to delve emotionally deeper into the connection between your mate. You cannot just kiss and hug and then go on about your way, there’s a lot of unfinished business. Stopping at that heightened point does nothing but cause stress. Each time a person is fighting the urge for intimacy with their mate, it causes unnecessary tension. Sex relieves headaches, stress, is great exercise… there’s too many reasons not to do it. Not only your body, but your mind in a way needs it. Sure, you can find pleasure or satisfaction other ways (having a good laugh for example), but the neurological side of it, those things are no match for what sex can do. To do it with someone you care about makes it all the better!
Danny
September 29, 2011
Your argument is a theoretical one, of which there is no evidence that it is accurate. You imply that the state of marriage is more likely to be poor, if the woman was a virgin prior. Who says? Where is the evidence for this? Have we interviewed men who married virgins and men who didn’t, and compared their outcomes? I think it is just your opinion that those marrying virgins are less happy in their marriage, and not a fact.
Also, where is the evidence that premarital sex and subsequently good sex in the beginning of marriage prevents cheating? If I were to bet, I’d say most people that cheat are those for whom sex is not sacred, and not to be saved for marriage.
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
Consider the venue for this debate. Of course the argument is theoretical – its a blog. Do we really see D.F. doing full on interviews prior to posting – not likely. This IS the interview. If there are men/women who married as virgins out there. Let them come to defend their position – (which no one has said is wrong, really the alternative positions and its merits is whats at question here).
I repeat my previous statement:
“I think the point of the post is that – waiting till marriage as a relationship/life plan -for all its “merits” – has just as many flaws. But so does not waiting. There simply is no simple solution.”
With regard to evidence – this isn’t CSI – we don’t need DNA to convict here. Logic is enough to argue (if not prove) a point. While you are right that there has not been any specific empirical data presented – that’s kinda of like your 5 year old child asking for a data chart to prove why its dangerous for them to cross the street. You don’t need a chart – they lack experience (a virgin) – so they are potentially more (because of the inexperience) at risk to get hit by a bus (unsatisfied or unsatisfying, emotional coping, desire management). But the reality is that a totally acclimated adult (experienced non-virgin) could also STILL get hit by a bus if they aren’t paying attention (or rather disregarding lessons learned about – STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, ill-advised emotion attachments, etc.). Its risky out there in either case.
The decision to (or not to) wait until marriage is personal and should be about the persons comfort level and stability vs. some blanket rule. One size does not fit all.
susan anaba
September 30, 2011
I agree totally – its a double standard and where i come from girls are tought to wait but guys are even pushed to do their thing!!
Nancy Johnson Jordan
September 30, 2011
I just have one question: How many commentors here are married and have a perspective on this question from a married perspective?
I know the author is single. Soooooo…CAN we have an informed position on the effects of sex prior to marriage on marriage, when not married….
Diggame
September 30, 2011
Actually the commenter Eddie Holman is married…
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
I’m married. Not waiting has not appeared to present a real problem for me or my wife in our marriage.
[except a couple of awkward introductions...but hey - that happens
]
Jennifer
September 30, 2011
I’m not the type to sit here and quote biblical scriptures because I think its hypocritical for any “sinner” to say the sin of fornication is worse than that of telling a lie, but thats beside the point. It is unfortunate that sex has become an end all for MOST relationships but that is the society that we have fostered. From a woman perspective, sex is just as important to us as it is for men but I think we value more the intensity, passion, and four-play more than the actual act… so knowing that you have that with your partner is important to know before you make a life long commitment.
KHop
September 30, 2011
I’m going to avoid the whole Religious approach…. I’ll say this was an interesting post. I agree sex is an important part in any relationship, but I don’t think its most important. I know couples that have waited to have sex until marriage and it works out fine. I will say that I believe our generation x’ers and y’s put too much value in the wrong areas.. Maybe this is why a large % of our marriages end in such a short time. Sex isn’t going to keep you married. I say if people focused more and worried more about what really matters like connection,trust, love, suppor etc.
I think when everything else is in tact, sex will come or take a back seat to what’s really needed to make a marriage work. People really crack me up when talking about marriage and sex is at the top of the list as a qualifier. Yeah it matters but I’d rather have someone who can bring out the best in me and I can grow with over someone with good D anyday. I just feel like people have the idea of marriage all effed up.BUT then again that’s what goes into choosing a mate. Pairing yourself with someone who has the same values as you do.
Diggame
September 30, 2011
A lot of you took this post way too personal and I understand some people’s convictions. I know sex doesn’t determine everything in a relationship I am the first and have said that for many posts BUT we cannot deny or devalue the idea of it. I think a lot of people are looking at the mystism of situation instead of what really happens. Life is a constant battle between the carnal instincts and the conscious thought A lot of commenters may have read this post for what they wanted to read instead of seeing the satire, tongue and check honest message I wanted to convey.
I am loving the conversation we are having though lets keep it up!!
Ms.Curious
September 30, 2011
“I say if people focused more and worried more about what really matters like connection,trust, love, support etc.” – KHop
I believe that sex is important to a relationship/marriage. No – I am not married, so maybe my thought’s don’t count for some people. Ah well – I’ll state them anyway. Ha. Marriage is NOT some idealistic happy ending, without trials and tribulations. Unless you go into marriage with the idea that sex is solely for reproduction – I think its something you need to consider. Now, if you choose to believe that it shouldn’t make or break a marriage, MORE POWER TO YA! And I’m glad that there are people who’ve posted here have seen these examples in their lives. That’s wonderful!
Let’s think this way for a moment, if you will – sex, in marriage, is probably a daily function. Right? Something of comfort, familiarity, a deeper connection, pleasure, and yes, for reproduction – isn’t it only logical that enjoying sex with your partner a big factor? To touch on the statement above, love, support, connection and trust are HUGE. In my opinion – that is something wholly positive you build your relationship on. Those are the main pillars. But what I don’t understand, from all of these posts, is how anyone can deny that sex IS a pillar – even if you think it’s a small one. How? NO, it may not be the most important, but I believe people need to step outside their fairytale if they can say its not important at ALL.
Sexual attraction can grow through love, constant interaction and learning your partner. Yes. But, in the event that it doesn’t after your marriage – you do what? Deny it’s importance? Get counseling? Pray to God that he’ll help you through this?
Sex is something that is required by both men AND women. Can someone point me to WHERE in this post the author stated that this was pointed at just women????? I’m waiting….It seems to me that he stated that he thought BOTH sexes would be a little off kilter if they didn’t consider it before marriage.
Sure, men are notorious for thinking with their dicks (pardon my bluntness). Well, in this day and age (where women don’t have to marry at the age of 13) women have just as much power over their bodies and their decisions. Right? Seems to me that’s what we wanted.
Unless all of these commentators are virgins (I noticed one state that you were), haven’t you already made the decision to “try” out the horse before you bought it? So what, exactly, do you have to stand on?… Oh? What’d you say? Your ideals about how things SHOULD be? Interesting.
The Pounder
September 30, 2011
Ya’ll really fronting on here I see! Who is a virgin on this board? Raise your hand. I think one lady was but on the real why are you not even looking at the article for the ideas it is bringing out instead of your archaic notions.
Some women trip me out wanting to be the virginal hypocrite
Dr Prosperity 2012
September 30, 2011
Please excuse my “French” but this article is BS in rare form! This is nothing but a scare tactic to persuade women to have sex with men who are not our husbands! I’m really sick of seeing & hearing this crap! If sex is what it took to get married, then I should’ve been married 20-something years ago! *smh*
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
I’m sorry. I didn’t (maybe I missed)..nope nope. I didn’t see any French in that post.
Hmm.. I didn’t see any scare tactics either (can somebody forward me the article on how conversation constitutes terrorism?).
Looking for the part that says sex is what it takes to get married…DAMN…I can’t see where anybody said that. I do see people saying its an important part of the process, I see people saying its not the most important part, some discussion on how important… Yeah but no mandate that its required to get married.
I’m sorry – maybe I read a different post than you did?
Enough Already!!!
September 30, 2011
Nope! I’m not having sex with another man who is not my Husband. Say what you want. I don’t care. My Alabaster Box has been on lockdown since 1992 and I’m only in RSVP for my Husband only. You all really need to stop with this crap b/c I’m not giving it up. Period.
The Pounder
September 30, 2011
Maybe you need too make attacks like that…relax relate release! He aint did a damn thing to you
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
I think its kind of funny that you used the term alabaster box in this discussion (or your “alabaster box” – you so sneaky girl).
Its kinda ironic because Alabaster was very expensive in Bible times, and if a person bought an alabaster box, it was only used for very important purposes. So the Pharisees considered it a waste when a woman poured perfume from an alabaster box on Jesus’ head in Matthew 26:7-9.
I think its funny that they also were judged as “wasting” something on another person (who obviously was not their husband).
Shaking My Head ...
September 30, 2011
This is just another example of the impatient world and how people are so eager to get the blessing yet won’t make the sacrifices to position themselves to be blessed and to be a blessing. Why compromise and settle for what’s good in the meantime when the BEST is available and being prepared for you? That’s crazy! Anything that’s easy is not worth having. Anything that’s worth having is not easy.
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
“Why compromise and settle for what’s good in the meantime when the BEST is available and being prepared for you? That’s crazy!”
It could be argued that on your date of marriage you are still far from the “best you” that you will be and vice versa.
I could go in (again) on how waiting doesn’t guarantee that sex (or even for that marriage) will be good or great. But I’ll digress. My fingers hurt.
Ms.Curious
September 30, 2011
O_O…. “My Alabaster Box has been on lockdown since 1992 and I’m only in RSVP for my Husband only.” ‘
Sooooo…before 1992 you were getting it in? Had a change of heart?
I hope this “scare tactic” doesn’t change your beliefs. Be strong!
Shaking My Head
September 30, 2011
No it hasn’t changed and it won’t. I’m good to go. :^)
KHOP
September 30, 2011
Wow… I don’t know that anyone said sex didn’t matter at ALL. I just think folks are weighing in on how much of their pie chart of life it fills up. I highly doubt that the goal of the article was to imply this is a plot to persuade women to smash pre marriage…
It really takes an intellectual individual to acknowledge an opinion and not take it as truth or fact.
I think some readers are ‘in their feelings’ a bit here. If you don’t want to have sex then don’t. If sex is number one on your list of important things then so be it. Luckily we all have choices and can choose to link up with someone who shares the same values…my goodness. @KeitaTheJedi
Ms. Curious
September 30, 2011
KHop – You’re right! No one said they didn’t think it mattered at ALL. Rather that it shouldn’t be such an important factor as it is. I should have phrased that statement differently. I guess my intent was to point out that I think it should be a factor – and not just dismissed as a man trying to get in all the cutty he can…
I totally agree with everything you said in your last comment! Everyone has this sectioned off as a different part of their pie. And it’s true – to each their own.
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
See a lot people are talking about their emotional checklist for their mate – none of which constitutes your physical compatibility (I’m sorry it just doesn’t). And the problem for sinners and virgins alike is nobody talks about this in advance. Choosing instead to gamble on checklist or pray for miracl…I mean mate. Forgive me if I chose to be more “hands on” with my cooking.
Watch it with those checklist too.. Some people spend their whole life searching for a perfect 10 -passing up up 9′s and 8s. Only to end up with a 6.
Laurie
September 30, 2011
This post just sounds like a guy who aint gettin now from his girl or hardly has got any in his life. Trying to rationlaize women giving it up
Jasmine Powers
September 30, 2011
Um, the conclusion of the matter, everything having been heard is, those who choose to wait until marriage will experience the same marital iffy-ness as those who don’t. Sexual compatibility is important but studies show (i know you’ll add that statistics can prove anything depending on how the study is done or who is funding it) that those who don’t have sex before marriage have better marriages. Sex can indeed cloud ones judgement on who REALLY is compatible in other important facets that lead to a successful marriage. At the end of the day though, folks will get their freak on and should you choose to do that, no shade or judgement or negative viewpoints toward what you choose to do, but please don’t push your ideals off on me because you don’t select the same course. That goes for those who abstain as well. I particular appreciate Tiffany’s candid comment about fornication. Not all agree, not all follow the Bible, and fortunately God created us with free will and not robots so we can choose to follow or not follow the Bible. However, for me and me personally, I see how following this admonition could be beneficial. I’m no holy angel singing Gregorian chants, but the religious and the practical reasons for choosing to abstain really can help weed out folks that aren’t on your same vibration and help protect from the proliferation of disease and the heartbreak of being loved and left, unwanted pregnancy. I mean the side affects of giving it up freely (well some may argue that this article isn’t about promiscuity) can be harmful and long lasting. But then there are some pseudo Christians who take on “abstinence” and go abusing kids and terrible stuff. THAT’s disgusting. Break the dang abstinence law and go get you a fully grown consenting adult instead of abusing children and mess. Lemme stop my mini rant now, but yeah, like Ms. Curious, to each their own…
Ace
September 30, 2011
A frog’s body temperature will adapt to its environment. So for example you can place a frog into pot of water and gradually raise the temperature. At each increment increase the frog body will adjust and adapt. Before you know it the water is boiling, the frog adjust and it is dieing without even knowing. My point in saying that is we honestly have to take a step back and view how society and culture has changed our views or a multitude of subjects. In my opinion, (even though I make this same sin) this command is clear as day. It is one thing to say I commit this sin and I will/wont do better, versus using today’s societal views and justifying it. Just my 2 cents people. Great post.
Eddie Holman
September 30, 2011
I still think we got away from the original point which was that the rule itself is dated. It was created at time when a lot of the factors affecting “everyday” Christians were very different. Like I said it made complete sense for person to not have sex before they married because at that time they were EASILY both physically and mentally immature. During those days having more than one wife and sex with more than one person (man or woman) also common. Those cultural norms have fell to the way side. Why not this one?
As times have changed and the cultural age norm for MARRIAGE pushed back – does this really still apply? Word for word? Is it just too far fetched to believe that you shouldn’t do this until you are ready/mature vs. married? The bible verse I posted earlier:
“But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.”
This is easily understood as a message of restraint (to dedicate yourself to one spouse) that I am sure was just as wise then as it is now. Other verses about not committing adultery make sense as well (I can’t imagine the jealousy that espouses only recently became an issue). The Bible provides guidance for us to deal with these kinds of issues -yes. But its GUIDANCE. Most of what people are passing off in here as religious right is really overblown opinions.
To put it in an uncomfortable perspective. For those fringe cultures (christian included) that still allow very young people to marry – knowing what you know (or have read/studied) do you really think that they are ready for a relationship inclusive of sex? They call themselves following the bible to the word. Are they right too? I don’t think so.
I still think its something to consider. Something to be discussed -and decisions made appropriately. That’s all I’m saying.
Ace
September 30, 2011
Great point of view Eddie. I am by no means biblical philosopher but I do believe the Standard or Base should be the bible. Meaning we should compare our perspective on any subjects against what the good books says. If our base is society standards comes the perspective “Well I Only Have 2 Baby Daddys”, “Well I Only Have 10 partners”, “Man I Aint Hit Her and Its been 2 weeks. See the bible is non changing. Any situation or issue found today can be found in the bible. Thus the saying “Same Ish Just another Day”. All the studies on human behavior always come out with a new version, new volume ore new study a few years later. Waiting until your married does not have a factor on the success on the marriage. But it does represent the maturity and sacrifice of the people in the marriage. The people then have a understanding of selflessness that will make a marriage succeed.
Rhashad Whittier
September 30, 2011
Yo Darryl!
This was a great post. Honestly, it seems as if the subject matter (and many responses) of this post could lead to even deeper conversation. Thats all I will say
!
Peace!
Ed for President! lol
Omar O'Hara
September 30, 2011
This is just another example of how the media is trying to make issues when there aren’t any. I don’t know anyone that’s 21 years old that hasn’t had sex yet; married or not. Contrary to what most of us were raised to believe, our bodies are not temples, if you don’t believe me, try taking a whiff of what comes out of them. We are essentially biological machines, this is true no matter what your religious beliefs. (Not making any claims on how we got here) Biologically, it’s absurd to deny your body what comes naturally once you’re living on your own accord and making your own decisions. It’s like saying don’t eat, or breathe. It’s part of who we are as a species. If you want to have sex, and you are personally comfortable with your mate, then have at it, and enjoy it. Just make sure you play it ‘safe’ at all times until you’re sure that you’re sure that you’re sure you won’t catch a case.
I don’t agree with all of the reasoning in this blog post, but one key consideration that I completely agree with is that people are waiting to get married, because our priorities have shifted as a society over the past 60 years. Women aren’t just incubators anymore. Everyone goes to school, and everyone works. However, our biology hasn’t evolved nearly as quickly.
Interestingly, putting so much weight on waiting probably does more harm than good. If responsible people could just hit it without all of the baggage we put on it in the name of ‘God’ people wouldn’t be so uptight about it. No one wants to feel like a whore, but that’s what we label women that enjoy sex the same way men have for, literally, thousands of years. The idea that a woman belongs to a man has been perpetuated by our patriarchal society for too long. It’s a double standard that we, as blacks, should understand better than most. It’s not OK to claim ownership of another person in any way, not even sexually. Waiting til marriage is just another way to proliferate this madness.
Everything in moderation, as long as it’s consensual.
cara
September 30, 2011
I don’t agree with all of everything you said. But I appreciate your honesty and opened mind to talk about this taboo subject.
Some men will just nod and agree with whatever ideal we say to get the cooch in the long run. Some women are sold dreams from men when they don’t really feel that way. Glad you were forthcoming(even though I don’t agree). This has been a great debate!
Gheri Lacrae
September 30, 2011
I’m late…I know..nonetheless while I respect differences of opinion I must state that in a serious relationship I’d like to abstain as long as possible. I believe sex is hugely important in an relationship yet in today’s world it can be so easily misconstrued; particularly if giving too freely. I understand the getting to know if your partner is a giver…but I’d like to believe that can be conveyed in other ways. Generosity can be shown in many ways and (while admittedly I’ve not read each response) I believe time is the great divider. If one spends enough time with his/her partner it will usually tell if the person is a giver or not, if there is intimacy in the relationship or a lack thereof and if my partner is over 30 as the message suggests if he’s not good at it, I’m a really good educator so I can help him along. Overall, I would rather wait until I feel as though a) I know my partner, status included and b) have a legitimate connection with said partner neither require sex to establish…just my 2 cents
Lord Help These Nay-Sayers Up On Here
October 1, 2011
I am really ROTFLOL right now … It’s interesting how some folks can criticize those who are saving themselves for marriage, accusing them for ‘fronting’ or ‘being a fake’ b/c of what you are doing. What difference does it make whether if they’re a virgin or not. Bottom Line: Everyone is NOT sleeping around with every Tom, Dick, Harry, Sarah, Mary or Jane. Everyone is NOT settling to be someone’s back pocket chic/dude or ‘friends with benefits’ … where in the hell did that come from? There are some of US who value love, sex and relationships, and especially we value ourselves by not playing the role of a whore, male or female. *smh*
Real Deal
October 1, 2011
I think this post is great that it stimulates conversation that needs to be had…. Great post Darryl….
Renita Rhodes
October 1, 2011
OMG!!!! These FAKE prudish women KILL ME!!!! You all better get over all of that FAKE virtupous woman act!!! Keep it up and please beleive me you WILL be cheated on later in life not to mention while you are in the current relationaship!!!! All of this why does it have to be about sex and if he is not in to me crap is just that CRAP!!!!!! I for sure I NOT NOT WANT a lame duck in bed with me!!!! If that happens guess what? I will NOT mess with him at ALL!!!! I WILL find another man in which I am sexually compatible!!!!! So guess what? I will indulge!!! I am a GROWN ASS WOMAN!!!!
Skye Blue (@skyemetafrog)
October 3, 2011
First time here and I totally agree with what you have to say, as it pertains to my life. Ain’t no way I would consider getting hitched to a man whose goods I haven’t sampled first.
That said, I recognize that not everyone feels the same way and I think it boils down to what you expect out of marriage and/or believe is a healthy connection within a marriage. For some people that wouldn’t include a passionate, consistent or exploratory sex life; for others (including me) it does.
I suppose when it comes deciding when to have sex, you’ve got to find someone who thinks about it and approaches it the same way you do, and then just hope for the best.
MsAfropolitan
October 3, 2011
I try to understand ‘the other side’ of arguments but with the wait until marriage to have sex I struggle. to avoid divorce, surely one should know as much as possible about compatibility on all levels. nice one as usual
teaniqtre
October 3, 2011
Love the content but the name of the site is slightly offensive…and that’s all I’m saying.
Diggame
October 3, 2011
I’m curious to why you feel it is offensive?
Wisdom_Ascended
October 5, 2011
@Renita Rhodes, you saved me a lot of typing because I was about to pretty much say the same thing. I think that age and maturity has to do with this terrible thought process. I dont believe these people talking about waiting realize that there are other individuals out there who are not waiting and that while he/she is waiting, they are not getting any younger. Once they fund someone who is waiting, what’s to say they will even like you? What’s to say they won’t have terrible life habits and the relationship will even work out? So there you will be mad and a non-virgin, horrible at sex because lack of experience, 5 years older and starting over all because you think you are special enough for everyone to wait on haha..good luck with that.
Keme
October 10, 2011
I agree that if you want to be in a relationship, you will be pressured to have sex. But there are those few people who are on the same page and are willing to wait, but its just very hard to find now-a-days. But the ultimate thing to do is not have sex before marriage because that’s what the bible says. I was annoyed when a guy I was with said that it wouldn’t work out if I didn’t put out. I felt really disrespected. I had to then decide whether I wanted it to work or not based on what he said because he basically spelled it out for me…let’s just say IT DIDNT WORK OUT!!!
kim
October 12, 2011
im sorry but sex is good and i wish i would have waited until marriage because it can ruin your life when your donig it for all of the wrong reasons in a relationship
Norberto Barbieri
October 14, 2011
Im impressed, I have to say. Quite rarely do I come across a weblog thats both informative and entertaining, and let me tell you, youve hit the nail on the head. Your blog is important; the concern is some thing that not sufficient people today are talking intelligently about. Im truly content that I stumbled across this in my search for one thing relating to this problem.
Victoria
October 24, 2011
In my experience, there are some benefits to waiting. Yes, it WILL start off horribly but it’s an opportunity to learn and grow together in a very intimate way. Your libido is off the scale. And the sex is constant almost never ending until it’s just too painful to go anymore. That’s how much you want it. At the end of the day it’s all about how you feel about that person that you’re willing, you’re ready and you’re patient. You’re not expecting instant gratification and you’re willing to WORK for what you want. The wait will have been beyond worth it. Words cannot describe the connection you have with the person. . .This is all in my personal experience though.
Cadillac Cal
October 26, 2011
There is some real hypocritical mofos on this post! Ya’ll all about buying a car without test driving it some…FAIL!!! Love is an intertwing of physical, mental, and spiritual! How do I know if I connect with you if we don’t share all of them
Danida
December 16, 2011
Sir,just imagine how simple life would be for a single man/women without sex.if you go out having sex with people,you’re bound to sleep with half of your city and without you knowing you’re just as worthless as $10 whore down the street.if you think that sex is that important to relationshirp,have you considered the health risk of having sex everyone you have a relationshirp regardless of how much you love them.the statistics are startling,viral infections are now so prevelant in america and the worst part of it is that most people dont know their status.finally,just imagine how exquisite it would be for a couple,both are on pure virgins with zero sex experience on thier wedding night.noone if still emotionally connected to that “artist in bed” of a sex partner they met in college.starting from scratch with great communication and telling each how they want it,and live happily ever after..food for thought there
Hidi
December 24, 2011
Premarital vs Waiting til Marriage: It’s all subjective and based on our belief system. With this said, I believe we owe no one an explanation about the choices we make in life. If you choose to wait until marriage, then be happy and find someone who respects your decision; the same applies to someone who decides to have premarital sex. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with your decision because you have to live with it.
As for women being pressure to not engage in premarital sex, I think it is ludicrous; it is her body therefore she should decide what to do with it.
By the way, sex is natural and not the enemy; people are the enemy.<— This is another discussion for another day.
Joseph Mentor Nichols
February 3, 2012
I’m not even religious but I would love to live in a world where people would “save” themselves for someone they love. Not necessarily marriage. I can’t stand this world of “one night stands” and “we’re not dating til we’re fucking”. It’s pathetic and crude.
And I’m not focusing on women here. This applies to both men and women. Sex should not just be something to do on a rainy day.
Oh, and on your point about waiting until marriage to have sex just to realize that your partner is really bad at it.. How would you know if you’re still a virgin? You’ve got nothing to compare it to.. It’s all about perspective.. Can someone really be bad at sex if you really love them?
I consider sex to be much more emotional than physical. Someone is letting down their guard for you, and only you! That is something Monumental! How can anyone who you love be bad at that? Anything else will get better with time. You’ve got the rest of your lives together to perfect the technique.
Obviously this will never be the world that we live in. Thoughts like these will never land you a date either. It’s best to just go with the flow if you ever want to have any chance at love in this world.
T Rocka
February 4, 2012
Good post! I think what you said a lot of people do not want to wrap their arms around. They lip service one thing but in thir hearst they know that all things have to be in a unison in a relationship
OP
February 14, 2012
Really most people who say that just wish they would have waited and not give their bodies to anyone before marriage. You have sex then you have sex with every person that person has had sex witb.
Naila BellaDolce
April 23, 2012
Marriages don’t end because of sex, finances, etc. The biggest risk factor is someone coming into a marriage on a situational basis believing that they can create a scenario in which their reality is a controlled factor that cannot and will not change. People are not prepared to accept that there is no situation, or human in life that can give you 100% of what you desire 100% of the time. When a person realizes this they will stop seeking out situations to love and choose to love a human being who may at any given time be allowed to change, grow, dissappoint, live, and breath.
Maris
April 23, 2012
A few random thoughts….
I was talking to a married father of three once. I asked him about sex. His exact quote; “sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship….until you’re not having any”.
On another note, I waited for the one I wanted to marry. A few months from the altar I found out he hadn’t. And still wasn’t. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Honestly, a LOT of bad sex can be attributed to someone having it before they are ready. I don’t wait for love, or attraction, really. I wait for someone I am comfortable enough with to be myself. That really doesn’t happen a lot.
You can hide behind religion (I am ‘christian’ FTR), but honestly, all you have to do is look at the billion-dollar diet industry to see that depriving yourself only causes you to make bad decisions and/or purge. Refraining from physical contact can cloud the decision-making process JUST as much as too-much contact. I bet a GOOD # of those ‘ended marriages’ started with someone getting to the altar with the wrong person because they were ready to receive some “marriage benefits”…
Diggame
April 23, 2012
This is a great response right here Maris! Look me and you agree on something….lol
Ebony McElveen
May 8, 2012
Love all of it