Open Friday: Can’t Get Over Her Lies and Sexual Past!

So, I received a letter and comment from a brotha in reference to a guest post from Jamala Mete(@SimplyMilele) “Why Can’t You Change a Ho Into a Housewife?” and my response piece “You Can Change a Ho Into a Housewife…In Theory”. It and interesting a very compelling email asking for some advice. I figured let’s put it out here in the open forum and see what the readers from Ashy to Classy Think. Check it out…

I was doing a Google search on “What if my wife was a ho before we married?”; which brought me here. I’m in flux currently due to my wife and me sharing our sexual conquests while we were friends, yet I was attracted to her, we just didn’t know where it would go with the distance involved. Once we exchanged our love w/ one another, it seems that we were married instantly.

This woman is great to me, emotionally I feel complete in regard to her attention to my needs whether it’s making me lunch before I travel on a business trip, massaging my feet, allowing me to be the LEADER of the house, and sex on command. Yet now our marriage is being affected by my philosophy of women being skeezed, multiple lovers, and her being ok with sharing her body with various men whether it was for a term or a one time only.

One story in particular involved her meeting a guy on Blackplanet that just happened to be an actor that has acted in a few movies shortly after she ended a 4 year relationship because of her ex-boyfriends infidelity. She liked that that her newfound friend was funny, which invited them to engage in conversation and of course the classic, exchange penis shots to her boob shots. They spoke of sex, including her appreciation of giving fellatio. After a few months of flirting and talking, she eventually drove to visit her friend.

Now folks, this is where it gets freaky, creepy, and crazy. She was convinced to bring a bottle of GIN by the crib, yet upon arrival he was serving her a different drink instead of the one she brought. As the story goes, she passed out to awaken hours later to him nudging her to wake up. then, he convinced her to give him head. Not only did she do it once, but she did it 3 times for this guy. She left the next day, yet she felt that her intentions weren’t to go over there for oral sex or sexual activities but just to visit. She’s convinced she was drugged which makes sense because i had to help her put the pieces together and my knowledge of date-rape drugs(only because I was a bartender which forced me to become knowledgeable of roofies and GHB). also, I know my wife isn’t a fan of being nude, giving oral w/out a condom(initially) and kissing just anybody, to which she performed while being in a euphoric, dreamlike state from the drugs. also she never finished her own drink yet she felt as if she drank a bottle.

Now, she never went back nor engaged in multiple conversations with this creep, but 3 days later she fucked a guy that she kinda liked. Now, I’m like “Wow!” After she and her new friend didn’t work, a month or so later she goes back to the actors house because she kinda believed she was just sleepy while chalking up her giving him head as just her getting caught up in the moment. This time she didnt drink alcohol, yet he presented her with a drink that he said was non-alcoholic though she said it had a funny taste. She had a few sips that eventually he took the glass away. Next she said she was sitting on the couch, turned around to see what this creep wanted to be presented with a DICK in her face that she sucked! When I asked her why, all she could say is that she doesn’t know, to the point she felt like it was dream and she said he stopped her to kiss, then proceeded to put his penis in her mouth. She said as she performed fellatio, she closed her eyes then saw a flash. This jerk took a pic of her yet lied about it. Next thing she knows she passed out to awaken w/ her boobs out.

Folks, she told me the generic story as “friends”, yet now the truth had to come out because of her being stalked and pics of her on the NET! Not to mention she feels horrible about it. Now, since us MEN use logic, I told her that a small dosage of these drugs don’t actually force u to do anything but just relaxes/dehibits one to do sexual and passionate acts. I am so disturbed that my wife experienced this though since the guy is a actor is a business associate, he has told me since he knows we’re together how much my WIFE loves to give head and that she was going nuts on his penis. She stated to me that she thought his penis was cute and that she didnt mind having a go at it, but that should be her decision instead of being influenced by these drugs.

My next question to her is”Why did you go a second time?” She said cause she gave him the benefit of the doubt. Now the thoughts of her sucking off a close associate of mine permeates through our relationship to the point that our young marriage is on the rocks. I do try to remain liberal, non-judgmental, and understanding yet from this story down to the first ones, I’m starting to believe my wife was a little to free and that she was a ho. Not to mention, she was really upset not with that she gave head, but that she received nothing i return to make her cum like intercourse, oral, or finger fucking.

Please help me because I’m lost!

What do you think about the letter? What is your advice to this brotha??

Write in with any question for Open Friday at

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22 responses to “Open Friday: Can’t Get Over Her Lies and Sexual Past!

  1. He sounds pretty lame for believing her story. I would be skeptikal of her on that note. But just cause she sucked a few dicks in the past don’t make her all day! You either gonna love her or leave

  2. Wow! I think he should’ve prodded and poked for info regarding her sexual past before they got married, but what’s done is done. I think that he feels a little moved by it because she trued to make it seem as is she had been a victim instead of hoe activities that she felt bad about.

    One thing that many women fail to realize is that it’s not all about what you did, or a number per say, but no guy wants to feel like he wifed up the chick that everybody easily had a turn with. If you’ve had one partner, GREAT! But if that one partner was smashing Usher on stage, not so great. Men want to feel special too, but if there is nothing really special about obtaining your girls box then why would we want to hold our head up high?

  3. Always remember the golden rule…you’ll never TRULY know a woman’s sexual history. Take the information that she gives you…and process it the best way that you can. Watch her. Understand her likes and dislikes. You should have SOME idea if she had been a ho!

    Great post!

  4. He needs to get over it, for the simple fact of he knew of her ” ho-ish ” tendencies long before they said I do! If this was a complete surprise I could see the anger, but yet again, he had to know. Every chick I met with a ho- tendencies is real clear from jump and some of them are my good friends to this day, people are people, women love sex just as much as we do, yet they lie about it.

    Can you turn a woman with a large sexual roster into a wife? Yes, you can, the only dude that is really going to trip is the guy with a “short” sexual past, which many men have.

    If she is loving him like he says she is, stay away from the associate who is clearly fucking with him and ignore the pics on the net. If it was me, I would fucked up the associate who is clearly playing games. She is your queen now playa protect her, not subject her.

  5. See this is the hyprociy that men have. He probably wanted a freak but now can’t get over her sexual past? Maybe she WAS raped and in a weak moment how do we know? I know this writer is probably judging the shit out of her even though he promotes free and open sex in most of his posts SMDH!

    • where have I ever just promoted a woman or men just to be having sex uncouthed. I feel and have always said its a persons choice and you have to be cool with your choices and whatever reprocussions there are. If you have beef with my posts and feel like I degrade women so much why do you continute to come to my blog??

      Continute the conversation folks had to respond to this…

  6. the best way to get past the past is to not have it smacking you in the face. rule #1: dont fuck your friends. this man was talkin to this chick on the phone while she was in rebound mode and got the details of her ho phase as her “gay friend”. if u haven’t smashed BEFORE entering friend zone then it’s best not to do so after. i have a female friend i know WAY too much about to go there with. great person, just not great for me.

    dude aint mad about her past. he just cant seem to figure out why she did it for dude and wont do it for him. the why is “he missed the ho phase.” u gonna tell me this chick was drugged and THEN went back to the SAME dude and got DRUGGED AGAIN?

    i’m sorry, this guy is fucking stupid.

  7. Sorry but all ya’ll wrong. Brother you married a hoe and once a hoe always a hoe. First of all she kept you as a friend for so long. That should automatically raise red flags. She basically strung you along like a puppy while she fu*ked around with guys she found more desirable. When she realized she would need a sucker to take care of her ie. YOU, she was quick to marry before you caught on to the game and left. She more then likely has no real respect for you and I guarantee she still running around on you or soon will.

    • That’s certainly a fair bit of assumption on your part. The simple fact remains that you do not know this woman, and are projecting your views on her and her relationship with her husband. The man didn’t even give any indication of having been friends for a lengthy period of time, and he did mention distance as a factor.

      To the man behind the post: I’m not particularly liberal in my attitudes towards casual encounters, but you were aware of these stories to some degree before getting the full truth out of her. It wasn’t as though you thought her to be an angel. At the end of the day, you made the decision to get with her, and you seem overly concerned with her past, rather than the possibility that she could do you wrong in the future. She sounds like a good wife who fulfills your emotional and physical needs, and you sound like you need to try harder to overcome your issues with her history.

      PS: Your so-called associate is a straight up asshole…and yet you don’t seem to have any qualms with the fact that he disrespected both you and your wife with that little bit of “knowledge” that he shared.

  8. It is a sort of Catch 22, Wanting to have a woman that is an exceptional sexual partner while at the same time wanting her to somehow master these skills with/for only you. If she holds out then that sucks…when it is YOU she is holding out on. But then again you want her to hold out from every other guy. When you have that one (as a significant other, not when she is something to do) that IS amazing at that thing, you want to assume that she hasnt done this or that with anyone else or maybe just a few, and in some instances she will try to sell that to you. But what I have learned is that every guy BEFORE and AFTER me thinks the same dam thing. The male psyche can be an amazingly self fulfilling and destructive tool. When we are fighting to get that position we discount all of her previous interactions as meaningless, but then sometimes somewhere in random series of thought, we analyze what “she did” and wonder “Why THAT guy?” and it can eat you up if you let it. At the end of the day, you make a decision and live with it. She wasnt a virgin which is both a part of her appeal and part of her appointed demise. If the thoughts get too out of line, you always just kill the date-rapist (disclaimer: I am just joking, if you kill dude, I understand, but it is your decision…live with it.)

  9. I’m not so sure on this one, but here goes. I wouldn’t classify her as a hoe. She obviously is a devoted and good woman as he clearly states in the beginning of he letter who enjoys sex. Mentioning two men she had intercourse it sexual relations with does not a hoe make. Smh! His problem isn’t with her but with the “associate”. When entering marriage any of those shady past relationships need to be nipped, cut and tubes burned. So either she, him or both may need to have a conversation with this man and school him on united home front. Let him know shits disrespectful to say the least. Pursue legal action for the stalking and use of her images via the internet as well. Lastly pray about your anger and frustration. Perhaps you can’t handle her honesty and shouldn’t have let her give that many details about it cause she went too far telling you his penis was cute. Where they do that at?! She broke girlfriend code tellin you that Sir. This is your wife who you vowed to let no man come between you and she. Honor that vow and press forward. Not back. Blessings to you and your union.

  10. I wonder why so much detail was shared. I would advise you all to chill out on that. You married a woman you love right now, not that woman who performed those acts then. She is your wife and more importantly, you are her husband! You two are one and need to stick together. No true friend of yours would disrespect what you all have now by discussing the grimy details of old. A real man undedstands that his wife is his queen and shouldn’t be considered a “hoe” based on things she did before the title are irrelevant. Move forward! And stop asking questions. Lol

  11. It seems more like poor judgement or lack of clear expectations are playing a major rule. Ive been married for 6 years now and we had to clearly delineate what were our expectations, must have, deal breakers, etc. Marriage (relationship) are fluid they grow and change as the people in them do. I believe that a person can love, sleep with, have intimacy with more than one person even when married. But there must be love, trust, honest, responsibility and maturity with ALL involved or it will bring chaos and many unwanted things. It may be that she is unclear of your concerns or expectations (hell YOU may be unclear), so I suggest you talk it out first… honestly and thoroughly. THEN decide where to go next.

    I would also like to RE-point out that I don’t condom unequal, chauvinistic ideals of women or relationships. Nor the judgement of people based on how they choose to have their relationships, just because it may not fit into your value system doesn’t make it wrong or any less worthy of respect.

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  13. I have learned that the best is to put it all out there… If you can love the person for who they are and were it helps in the relationship… If you CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH exit before you find yourself in a hurtful position of digging to the point of emotional abuse… The sad reality is that there is a double standard and humbly men no number will ever be good enough for us in their sexual past. A recent conversation with a woman friend who is “IN LOVE” and contemplating marriage went like this…., “I can’t tell him that I have had a threesome and slept with women before cause he will not want to marry me… my answer: well then you don’t want him to marry all of you cause you did have a threesome and sleep with women in the past.” Ladies, yes its the past but just like a flight of stairs you had to take a step on staircase to get to the one you are at now.. allow him to know you.. all of you and you will find yourself in a better position if he stays… With her.. she told him, they talked, laughed and shared even more intimate stories. They are getting married!!! She has NO SECRETS.. you want your partner/mate/spouse to be your FRIEND!!!! Use this as a litmus test.. as my mother said.. if she went to Jamaica and slept with the pool boy one time 20 years ago it might be ok to keep that to yourself but if she slept with the pool boy in Jamica, Bahamas, California and DC.. then you might have a pattern there that needs to be told…LOL…

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  16. You shouldn’t have married her in the first place. Get out…now. You deserve better. After a certain age, none of us are pure anymore, but you deserve better out of a wife than this.

  17. I honestly don’t think he would have an issue if he didn’t have to see the guy. She could’ve done that one hundred times over in the past he wouldn’t care as long as he didn’t have to see those men. Now his ego is hurt because the he has to see a man that didn’t have to use much game to get his lady yet has benefitted sexually from her. Let your ego go or go find you a nice Mormon girl.

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