Open Friday: My Man Doesn’t Try to Have Sex With Me

I always get a few letters asking what my thoughts are for random things (which I am definitely humbled by) most of the time I just shoot back an email with my thoughts. Every now and then I get a letter like the previous letter “Can’t Get Over Her Lies and Sexual Past!” that can be too big of a problem for me to simply respond too. I responded to her email with my thoughts but also her to let me share her email with you to see what you all think. Check it out…

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year.  He is a great man, smart, a successful engineer, kind, has a great heart, and is always there for me. Things are great between us in general we have our problems like any couple but there is a big problem that we are having right now. My man does not try to have sex with me anymore. He just chills with me and doesn’t try to have sex with me anymore. I was asking my cousin to figure out why she thinks he isn’t try to have sex with me anymore. She says it is my fault!!

Ok, so when we first got together we didn’t have sex much. But after a few months he started trying to push up on my harder and harder. We even had arguments about it because I thought he put too much stock into sex. I felt like that’s all he wanted sometimes.  She asked me how much do we have sex? I told her we have sex a couple of times a month. She then tells me I am totally in the wrong and that he has given up on having sex with me and there is a high possibility that someone could come in and take my man(if someone isn’t already in the process of it).

So, Digg I have a few questions for you about this situation

1. Why do men put so high a premium into sex? Its like some times that’s all it seems men think about or want

2. I do want to have sex with my man from time to time but why is he not trying to have sex with me now?

3. Do you think my man is cheating or will leave me because of this?

Your help on this would be very appreciated because I don;t want to lose this man because I love him so much.  You seem to be an insightful man and any thoughts you could shed on me would be great

Well there it is folks. What do you think? Chime in and give me your thoughts on her letter…

Write in with any question for Open Friday at fromashy2classy@gmail.com

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22 responses to “Open Friday: My Man Doesn’t Try to Have Sex With Me

  1. Wow!!

    She seems to not really understand men or want to in the way she is thinking. She may need to go into her self and see why she doesn’t want to have sex with her man. To her question about if he is cheating or thinking about leaving. I will say this I don’t know if he is or not because every man makes their own cohoices but I can for sure say he has got to be thinking about it. I make sure my man stays pleased she slackin on that part

  2. Maybe a little more initiative on her part. Sometimes guys get tired of trying to force the issue. I think these arguments come and go with any relationship. Sex is one thing it’s really hard to get on the same page.

  3. She thinks a couple of times a month is cool!! Damn this brotha either got a lot of side pieces, a sucka, or has to get a Noble Peace Prize

    He probably is cheating though. But a dude like me wouldn’t even deal with that shit from the beginning anyway

  4. From the numerous times of research on this topic, I can draw some conclusions:

    1.) The man himself is either tired of forcing the issue, is already working to move on, or is waiting on her to take some sexual initiative. A lot of men don’t want “sex” being that much of an issue anyways. Sex, in our eyes, should “happen”. We don’t think we should ask for it. It should happen organically. She’s missing that part.

    2.) Is she confident in her own sexuality?

    3.) Does she even understand that MOST people are sexual beings? Does she not get that sex is practically a part of many relationships…even an important part? Hanging out, being in a relationship, and doing things together is all great…and all fun. However, at what point do you not understand that humans are still animals. Animal instincts would, and in most cases should, kick in enough to make you want to get your freak on.

    ‘Nuff said and ‘Nuff respect!

  5. In my opinion, she started off right by asking questions but she should have asked the person involved: her man. She can’t get answers about him from anyone BUT him. I would tell her to talk it over with him in a non-threatening way. Set the mood and let him know she’s ready too. If he tells her point blank why he doesn’t want to have sex (stress from work, bills, her, etc), she needs to listen and work with him through the issues, especially if its something she can help him work through. Sex is the perfect remedy for stress so if that’s it, get him back in bed! Then again, she may find out it’s the other way around! For all we know, he’s wondering why SHE’S not trying to have sex with him! Closed mouths don’t get fed and communication is more than talking about what’s for dinner, folks. If you want something from your mate, TALK TO YOUR MATE!

  6. First I’m a little surprised she chose to write a letter like this asking for your opinion. I would think judging by some of your previous posts it’s kind of obvious what your opinion would be on this matter. But anyway I do agree this is a problem. I kind of wish I had some insight as to why she doesn’t want to have sex as much. I dealt with this same issue and biggest reason was that he’s not my husband. I’m not about to give you all of me on a regular basis like I’m your wife. I’m not playing wife until I have the title. Anyway
    I would encourage you to talk to him (because communication is always key) and see where his head is at. And I would also encourage you to initiate sex yourself sometimes.

    • So you just now what I responded with to her from a few of my posts huh? LOL!

      You would be surprised with what my actual reply was….but not at the same time

  7. She is planly fuckin up. Any time you try to rationalize sex to a man he will not understand it. He is exploring his options…you probably know it too

  8. If you have to ask for it every time, eventually it’s a turnoff. And yeah, dude is getting that somewhere else if he’s not already thinking about it. So much beating off a dude can do. LOL

    She needs to get to work. Actually they just need to get talking and figure it out or its kaput.

  9. Ok so this happened to me in my “past” relationship, emphasis on past. We started dating and just getting to know eachother and before long we were spending the night at eachother’s home (no sex), waking up to eachother, I’m in the kitchen cooking breakfast, watching sportscenter, going to concerts, trying out new ethnic restaurants…you know all normal things but still no sex. He would touch me and we were “kinda” intimate but no sex. Eventually we got so close that I started feeling like “one of the boys”. When I asked him why we werent having sex, he said he assumed I was saving myself for marriage and welllll he didn’t plan to be married anytime soon and so he became ok with our status as “friends.” WHAT?????? I didn’t want to be his friend, shit we didnt even talk about the status of our relationship until this moment, I just didn’t know we were working on a friendship, I just assumed we were “taking it slow.”

    After getting out of my feelings, I spoke to him about why “we broke up.” He said, he respected the fact I didn’t want to have sex and thus he didn’t push the issue (he said my actions showed I wasn’t interested.) After a while, he decided he wanted to keep me as a “friend” and get his “needs” met elsewhere. He even went as far to say, he wants to keep me in his life because I am the coolest woman he’s ever hung out with. After I picked my face up off the floor, I told him I appreciate his honesty but being a “friend” to him was not what I had in mind and decided to cut my losses. Needless to say, the next relationship (my new boyfriend) I told him I wanted to take it slow and me not having sex with him RIGHT AWAY was just my way to make sure I wanted to give my goodies to him. That’s all. The end.

  10. he definitely needs to leave her. why is a grown woman who im sure has had sex before acting naive to this..?? if girlfriend needs help figuring this out shes not mature enough to have let alone maintain a real man.

  11. “1. Why do men put so high a premium into sex? Its like some times that’s all it seems men think about or want”

    Why do women put so high a premium on a man’s status and financial success? It’s like sometimes that’s all it seems women think about or want.

    2. I do want to have sex with my man from time to time but why is he not trying to have sex with me now?

    Because you have rejected him too many times and he doesn’t want to feel that way any more. I don’t understand why he doesn’t leave you. Once or twice a month is absurd. How would you like it if he showed you affection once or twice a month?

    3. Do you think my man is cheating or will leave me because of this?

    Probably he is cheating, or close to it. Yes, he should leave you. And if you had a heart you would leave him too as you are obviously just using him for his status and success.

    Ladies, we no longer live in the 1950′s where men are responsible for “taking care” of you without there being some kind of a reciprocal relationship. If you don’t like that, blame your Feminist sisters who hollered about being strong and independent and proceeded to stomp the shit out of men for the last 40 years.

    You would not want a man who lied about his financial success to you. You need to show men the same courtesy in regards to sex. If you don’t like sex very much, you need to be honest and up front about that early in the relationship, and find a man who is cool with that.

  12. Another great post fam!

    Sex is a major part of any long term relationship or marriage. People must be sexually compatiable as well. If her sex appetite consists of only appetizers and his is a full course meal and desert…there’s a problem. I don’t think he’s necessarily cheating…yet. It sounds like he’s tuning her out. Emotionally, he’s beginning to shut down. Once this happens, there’s room for someone else…or room for him to leave

  13. Some women just stay trippin over there own feet and messing up good situations with good men. She don’t want to sex her man….damn shame. He gonna peace you out boo!

  14. In the past when I personally have gotten to the point where it’s a few times a month, It’s because I was on to the next one. Their next talk may just be her exit interview. She made it an issue early and men aren’t mind readers, he thinks that she is a prude who doesn’t like sex so why push the issue. If he’s as good as she makes him out to be then of course there are options out there more than willing to show him how sexual a woman can be. Too little, too late. Even after a talk the scars from overreacting are still there and he won’t switch gears that easily.

  15. The new-ness has wore off… you might be wac-n-the sac
    Go ask him why.. and if he can’t communicate with you
    why are you wasting your time with this person.

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  18. This woman should be asking the man she’s involved with, not the inbox of a blogger but since she’s done the latter, my two cents: after a while, some people just stop asking of trying.

    Holding out on sex in a relationship is something I will never understand, so whenever I hear of women (some men too) doing it, I’m dumbfounded.

    In this case, if he’s stopped trying the reality may be that he’s (1) given up/got tired of always being the initator only to be shot down, (2) is no longer attracted to her that way to even care about sex which might be related to my first point or (3) is getting his fulfillment elsewhere and it may not necessarily be with another woman, but maybe he gets it in with Fistina or Palmetta.

    Seriously, a talk is in order with her man.

  19. She needed to be much more careful about pushing him away in the beginning. They need to have serious discourse about sex and their relationship in general. They need to lay things all out on the table. Most relationships that fail are the result of a true lack of openness that results from a true form of frank communication between the two individuals being absent. Yes, someone will take her place if she does not step up to the plate and give her man the attention he was trying to show her early on, but she pushed him away. We have to be very careful about what not only our words communicate but also what our actions communicate.

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  21. This relationship is over. Giving it up to YOUR MAN only once or twice a month is asking for trouble. Lets do the math…..if you’ve been with him for about a year then at the rate you’ve been going…he’s only had sex less than 20 times in the last year….Somewhere in the teens!!! The average man is getting this much sex each month! If he hasn’t started sleeping with someone else yet, then he will soon enough. Because even if he isn’t looking for another woman, another woman is looking for him (The man in a relationship who never gets sex.) There are women out there that would love to simply give him the sex that he is missing and there are women who want to take him from you completely. The sad thing is…..He will probably leave you because the sex is better or more frequent somewhere else. Bad reason to leave someone, but you are pushing him into the arms of another woman.

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