Open Friday: Am I Wrong For Breaking Off The Engagement?

I bring you another edition of Open Friday where people send me emails on different problems or topics and I let you all discuss the idea in the comments section. I usually respond directly to the person and I ask the writer if it is alright if I publish it. This one is a dozy too

Dear D,

Wanted to write you and see you and your audience’s thoughts. I am engaged to a great man who is finishing up graduate school. He is smart intelligent, caring, and loving. About three months ago he proposed to me and I said yes. This is where the problem comes in. The Sex is bad Dig and I mean REAL REAL bad. I have gave him all kinds of instructions, videos, and even tried to spice things up in different ways.

Well, a little before we were engaged I started to have an affair with a man who is a part of my business association. The chemistry between me and him is nothing but a sexual situation because he has a woman himself. It doesn’t happen often but it was great situation for me considering my current relationship.

I recently broke of the affair because I have wanted to concentrate on my soon to be marriage. But, I have been thinking the last few weeks if I would want to spend my life with someone with the sex being bad and the chemistry being low. I read your post you wrote on sex and marriage and before thought you were crazy but the more and more II think about it can I marry someone who I have NO sexual chemistry with? Its like my feelings for him seem to have changed. I wonder did I put too much into his deal instead of those intangible things. My question is am I wrong for breaking off my engagement because of bad sex and passion. I know that relationships go up and down. Like I said he is a great guy besides that. He just doesn’t listen and attempt to please.

Thanks For your Help

T.T.

What do you think? Is She selfish in her relationship practices? Is she wrong for breaking off the engagement?

Have any questions or topics for Open Friday hit me at fromashy2classy@gmail.com

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23 responses to “Open Friday: Am I Wrong For Breaking Off The Engagement?

  1. The things you ignore in the beginning are the things that push you away in the end. I wish I could take credit for that but it came from my twice divorced dad. I just cleaned it up.

  2. No I don’t think she is wrong for breaking it off. If they don’t have chemistry and the sex isn’t good she will eventually start looking for other men to satisfy her in the areas that her relationship is lacking.

  3. She should break it off because she doesn’t completely love him. The reason she doesn’t is neither here nor there, she doesn’t. Like Ms. Smart said, that will push her away in the end.

  4. I think breaking it off is a BAD business deal. Marriages are like business transactions, think long term, good sex can turn bad and bad sex can improve.

    • If you have already cheated on him, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll do it again if things don’t get better . I personally could never marry a man that could not satisfy me in the bed. I would suggest you be upfront with him about you being dissatisfied with his performance in bed, and see what the two of you can come up with to make things better. At the end of the day you have to remember sex is a very important part of a relationship, and you don’t want to have to live the rest of your life being dissatified, or worst cheating on him throughout your whole relationship.

  5. Seek counseling. Like, seriously: seek counseling. Its one thing if he couldn’t rectify your sexual needs. But if they can be rectified, then just do what it takes to fix them and marry the man.

  6. I’m sorry. Instead of demanding compromise before you accepted the ring, you cheated. The appropriate question is are you WORTHY of marrying him. I say, come clean, and let HIM decide- except that you’re not even SORRY! This is wrong on SO many levels.

    Listen, good sex is about communication, NOT about ability (unless there is an ED issue). If your man is so selfish that he is only concerned with meeting his OWN needs in bed, there was a critical error with this relationship to begin with. I know I sound like a schitzo, but what I am trying to say is that there is blame all around, and frankly, neither of you are concerned with meeting each others needs, and I question the reason that the two of you are getting married.

    If you have cheated, why are you even asking this question? Is it because you are afraid of being alone, as the only relationship you have had since is with a guy that is NOT leaving the woman he’s with? Are you afraid you will look back at your ex-fiance’s subsequent happiness (because trust me, he WILL find someone) and, noting your single status, second guess your choice? If that is what bothers you, just walk away, & let the chips fall where they may. You are NOT doing him or yourself a favor if the only reason you want to be with him is because you are more afraid of being alone than being unhappy..

  7. I think her actions already show what is more important to her. She’s engaged yet unfaithful. This marriage should not take place unless she makes him aware of how serious she feels about the lack of chemistry in the bedroom, to the point that she felt cheating was justified. Like Maris said, he needs to know what’s going on. Maybe he feels like the sex is okay and doesn’t realize the extent to which he needs to go to please her. However, as a married person I can tell you, it doesn’t matter how much sexual chemistry you may have with a person, if you aren’t getting along, noone is in the mood for sex. More importantly, you have to be friends, and being unfaithful and then withholding the indiscretions is not a good start for a marriage.

  8. NO!!!! Thats a marriage destined to fail! Sex means a lot in relationships especially marriage. Get out now while it’s easy

  9. Ahhh where to start!!

    One she is selfish as hell to string this brotha along for a ring. She knew the sex was wack from the jump but she loved so much of what he was on paper that she forgot about the other parts of a relationship!

    Two don’t do it!! You already have a side dude knocking it down. Now if you are going to go into the marriage understand what you are getting into. Nothin is going to change.

    Its also funny how women sex doesn’t mean anything until we are talking about them. Just an observation

  10. You better get your mind right and find away to stick with your man. You said he is good what;s your problem not working with him? Sex IS NOT that important

  11. What!!!!!!! Anyone that says sex is not that important in a relationship, probably has a terrible sex life, and has just gotton use to it being bad. There is so much more to it, then just sex. And that’s what makes it so GREAT!!

    • I think when you can’t look above the physical yeah sex can mean a lot. A man and a woman she look for more in a relationship than that

      • I never said it was the most important, because I’m sure most people know there is a lot more to a relationship then sex. It is very important though, and people that have good sex lives know that as well.

  12. You already know the answer to your question. You do not need confirmation to leave him or justify breaking the engagement. This is what I hear when I read you’re letter.

    “Wanted to write you and see you and your audience’s thoughts.” – You are scared of letting go, but if enough people say you should, maybe you will build up the confidence to just let go.

    “I am engaged to a great man who is finishing up graduate school. He is smart intelligent, caring, and loving.” – He doesn’t have all of the features you are looking for in a man.

    “About three months ago he proposed to me and I said yes. This is where the problem comes in.” – There was always a problem, you just decided to take the problem serious since he has presented the next level to you and you accepted it.

    “The Sex is bad Dig and I mean REAL REAL bad. I have gave him all kinds of instructions, videos, and even tried to spice things up in different ways.” – You feel you dont need to teach a man how to satisfy you anymore, he should know by now.

    “Well, a little before we were engaged I started to have an affair with a man who is a part of my business association. The chemistry between me and him is nothing but a sexual situation because he has a woman himself. It doesn’t happen often but it was great situation for me considering my current relationship.” – You sought sexual satisfaction somewhere else because you gave up on waiting for him to meet your needs. Its a great situation because you dont have to deal with being dissatisfied in your fiancees lack to please you sexually until you need to be satisfied again.

    “I recently broke of the affair because I have wanted to concentrate on my soon to be marriage.” – You started getting feelings for this other man and he wasn’t going to leave the one he is with.

    “But, I have been thinking the last few weeks if I would want to spend my life with someone with the sex being bad and the chemistry being low.” – You are having doubts but are ignoring them and need someone on the outside of you to confirm what you are feeling.

    “I read your post you wrote on sex and marriage and before thought you were crazy but the more and more II think about it can I marry someone who I have NO sexual chemistry with?” – You are being more honest with yourself because earlier in your letter you said low chemistry, now you say none.

    “Its like my feelings for him seem to have changed. I wonder did I put too much into his deal instead of those intangible things” – You know your feelings have changed. You are not wondering, your seeking that approval again, because you already know the answers.

    “My question is am I wrong for breaking off my engagement because of bad sex and passion. I know that relationships go up and down. Like I said he is a great guy besides that. He just doesn’t listen and attempt to please.” – You feel like there is nothing you can do to save the relationship.

    I have a question now. Why isn’t anyone praying? As a woman we are naturally spiritual. Don’t get it twisted, religion and God are 2 different topics, so praying is honoring the spiritual YOU! Pray.

    I get the impression you have already closed him out of the place in your heart and mind that is supposed to see past his flaws (regardless of how big they are). Again, you do not need to look for confirmation to leave this man or to justify you breaking this engagement, just move on. Pray.

    You need to be honest with him. Now when I say be honest, I do not mean tell him you cheated. A womans heart is an ocean of secrets, you do not have to tread these waters. Common sense tells us all, it was wrong, and yes we are ALL (male and female) weak and vulnerable at times throughout our lives. No one but God can tell you whether you are worthy of anyone or anything, so take ‘worth’ out of this conversation. TELL HIM, “you are not satisfying me sexually and there is no passion between us.” Remember, you are talking to his pride here, not his mind. A mans pride is literally like the penial sac itself. VERY tender, doesnt like to be poked at, but definitely likes to be acknowledged. Choose your words carefully. Pray.

    You got into this relationship for a reason. Only you and God know that reason. Depending on how long you have been in this relationship, you have accepted everything that you’re getting, so in his eyes, things are fine. You both are not living in the present state of the relationship. Again, pray.

    If you have never had a ‘vision’ with him in it, give the ring back, dont be a statistic. Dont try to fulfill someone elses wishes for you. I leave you with this, people always say you cannot make everyone happy. This is true. However, being true to yourself, listening to the doubt within you and acting on it, will make you happy. Your happiness should exert to all those who love and support you, and in turn they should be happy as well. I wish you and him the very best in or out of this relationship. Pray!

  13. What can I say that hasn’t been said! This girl seems to have something wrong with her energy and taking responsibility

  14. Another great post Dig!

    First and foremost, I think this woman should be commended for coming forward with her plight. While we’re all entitled to our opinions, it appears that some of the comments are set on BLAMING her for the shortcomings. I think she knows where she was wrong and there’s really no sense in reminded her of the mistakes she’s made.

    As a married man of nearly 12 yrs, I’d be the FIRST to say that sex is extremely important! LoL. Not only is it important…but the communication about sex is just as important. You have to discuss your likes, dislikes, wants, and desires. Marriage is long term. So you should marry someone who you are sexually compatible with. I think that’s just as important.

    Lastly, I think it’s a good move for her to leave him. There’s no need in moving forward if this is an issue. Marriage will only make this issue bigger!

  15. I don’t think she’s wrong for breaking the engagement; she would’ve cheated during the marriage. It’s better to let him have someone that loves him and is faithful to him rather than a ho who’s pretending she wants to be a housewife.

  16. I will say to be honest with yourself and him. If the sex is the only thing that is giving you doubts about the success of the marriage, I will suggest you to go see a sex therapist.

  17. No TT, I don’t think you’re wrong for having broken off your engagement. Often times, people really downplay how important the intimate part of a relationship really is.

    Personally, the only way I can see a poor sexual performer can be acceptable is if they’re with an equally poor performer or someone who has a low sex drive or simply doesn’t care. I think you’re setting yourself up for failure by trying to force the issue when your body is longing to be pleased in a certain way and your partner can’t meet those expectations.

    This is not to say that you may not be able to somehow accept (settle) for your fiance’s lack of skills, but had you stayed you’ve already DONE what you would have done after you were married – cheated.

    So I guess for you it boils down to you asking yourself would you rather have the other wonderful things with this man and be miserable and frustrated or be without and accept that you may have the man with far too many negatives, but is able to have your hair blowing in the wind.

  18. Pingback: Not Having Sex Before Marriage is a Setup For Failure « From Ashy to Classy·

  19. Pingback: Open Friday: My Man Doesn’t Try to Have Sex With Me « From Ashy to Classy·

  20. She is wrong for cheating on her fiance. A real woman would’ve set him down and said baby I love you and I want to be better for you what turns you on what is it that you like then maybe he would open up to what he is interested in. Could’ve save her relationship lies etc. I hope he finds him a good loving faithful woman who isn’t as silly as her. uggh.

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