Drunk Incident Epiphany: Don’t Chase Sex

If you haven’t make sure you check out the last two episodes of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show was called “You Cheated on Me After 60 Years?” You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.

I have always had great stories of incidence that have happened to me or around me. Call it dumb luck or inopportune situations by usually my stories ALWAYS have some form of a lesson to be learned.  Most people have had a drunken incident that they will never forget (usually it is in the context of something incredible bad happening). Well, I have had my share of those from having Bishop Magic Don Juan advising me on love to getting called a nigger in a Cab. The most interesting of my stories are my Drunk Conversations with Homeless Men (If you missed Part I). This time I will talk about how I passed out on the train and had one of the most interesting conversations with a homeless man.

Well, I was living in New York interning for the summer at an urban/hip hop magazine.  One of the editors of the magazine saw me getting on the elevator and invited me to Damon Dash’s private VIP Aramadale Vodka event (you probably forgot about that vodka huh?).  He tells me I can bring a guest too!

As I ride back to Jersey on the train I start to think about who I should take to this event. I finally settled on taking a beautiful young lady I knew from Long Island I had met a few weeks earlier. I tell her to meet me at the spot and to dress pretty fly. What a gangsta way to take a chick out? Damon Dash party with Free Armadale Vodka…WINNING!

I get to the venue and it is spacious and laid out with all kinds of premiums and banners. Armadale had gone all out for the event. I am looking around like a kid in a candy store. There are drinks, fly women, and socialites everywhere. Keep in mind at the time I was a 21-year-old kid getting to really experience an “industry” event.

My boss sees me and comes over and hands me a drink and tells me to have a good time. I am mixing, mingling, and talking  ish with various writers, entertainers, models, and socialites. I had been chumming it up so much that I forgot about my date. Now at this time in my life I was a person who was totally against the idea of having a cell phone so she really couldn’t get in touch with me.  I’m sitting there chopping it up with two models lying to them about how I am Rhodes Scholar(they  probably didn’t even know what it was but knew it sounded “baller”) and I see my date come in. I do a Barry Sanders spin away from the model chicks and greet my date.

My date let’s call her Vanessa proceeds to start telling me how much I suck to not have a cell phone but before she could continue her rant I grabbed  a shot of the Armadale and pushed it into her hand and smiled. She signed and took the shot and we go ahead to take shots and drink all kinds of Armadale concoctions all night long….maybe too many drinks. We  are drunkenly dancing to Paperboy’s “Ditty” and she says let’s go! Plus I needed to take my ass home and get ready for work though.

She grabs my hand and pulls me outside and gives me a long passionate kiss.  I know what it is so I decided to take the train with her back to her place in Long Island.  Let me give you a frame of reference. It’s a Tues night at 12:30 am, I have to be at work tomorrow, Long Island is a nice distance from where I live in Jersey and I am sure that I am 80% drunk.

I get to her apartment all the way in Long Island and I will say this… drunk sex is probably the most overrated thing. In this case Vanessa kept grabbin my Johnson on the train like she was pledging the Gamma Phi Gamma in “School Daze”.  Then when we finally got to her apartment I never got to her room because she threw up at her front steps. I put her over my solider and took her in and laid her on her couch and put a blanket over her and bounced. The only problem is I didn’t know how the hell to get back to Jersey from Long Island. I was hoping after my “session” with Vanessa she would help me.

I walk to the train station and realize that I may not be 80% drunk but a 100% drunk. I am struggling to get on the subway to at least get back to Manhattan and then I can make moves back to Jersey. 

I finally sit on the train and look down at my watch and see it is 2:30 now and figured I could get back home take a power nap and take a shower. Now I get real cozy on this train ride and figure I can rest my eyes for the nice ride back into the city. Maybe I rested my eyes too long because when I wake up I have a homeless brotha looking across from me shaking my head. I look at him snarkly and check my watch why is it now 5:30 am and people are beginning to pile on the train. My dumb ass had slept on the train so long that in had been damn near all around Manhattan and Brooklyn.

The homeless man comes over and sits next to me and says “Boy you gotta stay focused and quit worrying about those women.”

I laugh and say “What women are you talking about?”

“Boy, you can smell the want of pussy all over your face.”

The homeless man has my full attention now.  I sit straight up and turn to him. “It’s that obvious huh?”

He nods his head. “You young boy gotta learn that pussy and women will always be there. Stay handling your business because a woman can be a man’s downfall.”

I look at him like Negro you are a BUM what knowledge do you know about women.

He proceeds to sit there and tell me about how he was a former stockbroker but chasing women and not staying in one place cost him everything. He said his wife, mistress, and family left him because of his alcoholism and losing of his job. He just began to give me these long talks of prostitutes, women, and drugs and partying he did in the late 80s. He cautioned me to stay focused on my dreams and not women or as he said “pussy”.

At this point I figured I was just going to go to work in the clothes I had on from the party.  I was going to stop by Walgreens and grab a toothbrush and some deodorant and make it happen. I figured out where I was and got off but before I got off I gave the homeless man 20 bucks and told him to keep his head up.

I finally get into the office and decided to go in the rest room and brush my teeth and try to look halfway presentable. As I am brushing my teeth half sleep looking like “Night of the Living Dead” my boss comes in the bathroom. He laughs and said “Looks like someone had a long as night.”

I look up at him and said “I learned not to chase pussy.”

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12 responses to “Drunk Incident Epiphany: Don’t Chase Sex

  1. How about I laughed the entire way through this thing! But it got real when you met the homeless man. I think we all have a story on how women can make you not think with your right mind, and how we’ve almost had a catastrophic demise because of not being able to fight off that dog. And when we sober up we always ask ourself “what the hell was I thinking?!!!”

  2. D! I felt bad cause this literally made me laugh out loud! This is such a good story though. I laughed, almost cried (definitely awww’ed) and for sure learned. Great story and thanks for sharing (listening to “Ditty” now)…

  3. This is hilarious! Its cool how our mistakes present such awesome teaching moments. Its just up to us to learn the lesson. But really, everyone of us, man or woman, has a story about chasing the nookie and it being an epic failure. Happens to the best of us.

  4. Pingback: Drunk Incident Epiphany: Don't Chase Sex « From Ashy to Classy | SexPedia·

  5. This is funny but so true fam! My grand dad always kept homeless people around his store when I was younger. This was odd to me because my grand dad was the man in St. Louis in that time period. He had influential friends and connections throughout the region. So one day I just asked him why he kept the bums around and talked to them all the time. He said, “because you can learn lessons from anybody. The homeless guys tell me how NOT to become like them.” This is a lesson that I still carry to this day.

  6. This was funny as hell!! we all have to learn these life lessons at some time glad you got aome irony and comedy out of yours!

  7. Pingback: The Night Bishop Don Juan Taught Me Somethings About Love « From Ashy to Classy·

  8. Bet you didn’t know that a lot of those ‘free’ vodka parties in Manhattan are actually ‘soft’ pimping gigs.

    Here’s the honey pot setup: Some Smart Young Woman gathers up a couple of very good looking, straight, 21 year old men and offers them free club passes, free vodka and even free limo rides. Boys go the the club feeling like they are all that. Sure enough, they are quickly surrounded by bevies of lovely young au pairs and models looking for true love.

    The hook? The other ‘guests’ in the club are older Wall Street types who usually take some drunk young girl home for the night. The Wall Street types PAY the Smart Young Woman to line up the bait and draw the prey. Cheaper and probably ‘cleaner’ than prostitutes.

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