Open Friday: She Can’t Be Ready For Marriage!

If you haven’t already check out the great posts this week “Living in a Material World…” and “Why is There No In between? We Either Niggaz or Kings…Bitches or Queens”. Well, let’s get right into another Open Friday! This week’s email is from a brother who is having a few problems wanting to know if it is time for him to let go. I have normally not included my response in the post but People have asked me to include my responses to the emails. So, I ask the writer of this email and he said it was alright to include my response in this post

D,

What up playa! Like what you have going on here at the site. Got a situation I want to you to weigh in on. I am in my mid 30s and I have been with my lady for about 4 years or so. Things are alright I guess. They are the normal relationship ups and downs. I don’t have any kids but she has a son I have taken in as my own and his like my son. I make sure anything she wants she gets and am always there for her. She is definitely a smart and cool chick and she says I understand her most out of any person she has met in her life.

This is where the problem comes in. I don’t think she really knows and understands me. I think she really does take the kind of man I am for granted. I do almost anything for her but I don’t feel she would do the same. I have told her about many of my problems and issues and she says she is working on them but she never really does. But, she is quick to jump on my back for things and expect them to be changed. Now she is looking at me talking about marriage and in my head I’m like hell nah I can’t get married to you because we barely on the same page. She feels she is ready to be married but she really isn’t when she NEVER listens to my grievance but hers are always worth more. We hardly ever have sex, she spends money just because we have it, seems to not show compassion much anymore, drama, and did I mention we barely have sex. I can’t believe she thinks she is ready to be married. There are certain things you have to get to in a relationship and as a woman or a man. And she is just not there. I do care for her a lot though. She has been pushing it hard hinting every other day to the point where it is my routine daily to hear it.

This is the thing I used to be a big time playa back in my day and when I got with her it was at the right point that I wanted to settle down and I think she may have caught me off guard and maybe I settled with her. The question is how you would handle this situation because I’m down with her but how much is she down with me. I am damn near close to breaking up with her and moving on.

 Thanks

“Ready to Jump ship”

___________________________________________

Wow! Where do I start! First off I gotta say this I see you mention sex twice so that must be an issue in the relationship. I understand where you are coming from in a sense because a man doesn’t like drama or bickering but it’s even worse when a man is not getting in. I get that I really do and understand/believe you probably have or are thinking about getting a side chick (which I DO NOT condone but as Chris Rock says “I understand”).

Basically you don’t really want to be with this chick. I don’t know the story so I can only go off on yours. All of these questions probably were raised because she started mentioning marriage(which most women would after four years of a relationship) You probably were coasting along just waiting for things to maybe fall off or a great opportunity to bail out. I would say that you really need to re-evaluate what you want out of life and a relationship and truly see if she correlates with what you. Put all the things you are mad about to side and really sort out what matters to you the most. There is nothing wrong with being real with yourself about relationship like I said in my post “No Dime Left Behind”.

You have to be real with the situation at the end of the day because if she thinks she is ready for marriage there is nothing that you can really do to make her take inventory unless SHE wants to. But, you always have a choice and you have to decide if YOU are ready to married and if you are ready to be married to HER?

Weigh in! What do you think?

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20 responses to “Open Friday: She Can’t Be Ready For Marriage!

  1. I just don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I know I’m a good woman, but I can’t get a man, but a selfish, nagging chick can get a man and has to write open letters to see if he needs to keep a chick the obviously doesn’t make him happy. *sigh* I’ll never understand the way a mans mind works…..

    • There are good men out there! You don’t want a do like this who can’ man up and chuck up deuces on a chick who isn’t down!!

  2. My dear, you are already gone. What you are looking for is validation. While no one likes to chuck up the deuces after all that investment, I need you to ask yourself something, real talk:

    Al that stuff you do for her, do you do because she ASKED you, or because it’s something you feel you NEED to do while you’re “in a relationship”? I had this problem once(and it was a lot more recent than I carte to admit, lol). As soon as I moved in with my dude, he never lifted a spatula. I cooked pretty much everyday. I made sure the refrigerator & pantry was stocked with all his favorite stuff. I also gained fifteen pounds eating his favorite foods for dinner, and rarely received a thank you. I stopped going out because he didn’t like outside food, & stopped exercising because, well…if all i was doing was staying inside & cooking I really didn’t have any reason to put forth any effort on my physical appearance, right? You see where this is going, but during one of our final convos where I yelled all the things I did for him & how much i sacrificed, he yelled back- “I never ASKED for any of it. I would have been fine eating sandwiches, I wasn’t starving before I met you!”

    **Blank stare**

    That’s pretty much when it smaked me in the face that we project a LOT of our relationship expectations onto a person without taking the time to see if the person actually FITS that mold. Before you break up with her, why don’t you try working a bit on YOU. Instead of doing so much for her, try doing a bit more for YOURSELF. I say this because in hindsight, although we are not together, my ex and I agree had we been a bit more attentive to our own INDIVIDUAL happiness and stopped trying to bleed happines from a relatiponship that we’d still be together. Only YOU can make YOU happy. Now, if after working on you, you see things for what they are & note your lack of compatibility with the chick, well, free yourself, dammit! :-)

  3. RUN!!!!!!! Pimpin it aint worth it all to be dealing with BS like that. If you gonna deal with attitude at LEAST you could be getting some to mitigate the situation!!!

    But, on the real you gotta bounce regardless if you are doing something are not because you mentally are out the door anyway right now.

    Women and men gonna have to learn that this marriage game is serious and it just as easy as saying “I DO”

  4. I love Maris’s comment!!!! This is so true, and why most relationship don’t work. When you put your happiness first, youll do things for your mate out the kindess of your heart, and because it makes you happy to see them happy! Not to make them feel like they owe u.

  5. This dude is playign himself to the highest level! If the chick aint down with giving her man coopertaton there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many other women out there if you are a viable dude. Men have to quit not keep their self worth in moe than just have a chick! You are greater!!

  6. Interesting story. I respect his honesty. I am in agreement with a number of the comments, but what is most important is that you do what is best for you. Self reflection is very important and I had a Laugh when I read Maris’ story. Relationships unfortunately do not come with a troubleshooting manual. As a result, each one is an experiment with some large degree of variability hypothesis “We are going to get married” “We are just dating” “We are just having fun”. The problems are as unique as the two people in the relationship. She may not be an intuitive or nurturing person. Your ideals seems to suggest that you prefer a woman that IS. Even with these differences, it is important to recognive that there are more aspects to a relationship that her being intuitive, nurturing and sexually engaging. There needs to be a healthy balance of these things, but also a sense of independence, honesty, commitment, desire for individual/relationship growth/progression. She may be strong in these other areas. My intent is just to say that although the situation may not be ideal, be certain that you are not giving up more than you are already doing without. Relationships can be funny in the way they mature and a lot of times you hear the same stories: He doesnt care, She’s not sexing me, I cant talk to him, She talks too much, I do everything for him, I dont ask her for anything. Harmony is when you are able to share these moments with someone and want to still progress the relationship. You make adjustments to make that person feel special IN THE WAY THEY WANT TO FEEL SPECIAL. Just as well, you have to always make you special to self. Good Luck my friend.

  7. I think he needs to man up and find out why he fell in love with her in the first place!! He has to not be telling everything in this relationship. Its always interests me how much men out into doing for a women and expecting things just because they have done things that they should be there way. Man up is what I say and quit being selfish

  8. sO hARD. The 2 things that popped out to me in this letter are: you don’t have sex and you treat her son as your own. If you marry this chick the chances of you getting LESS sex than you already don’t get is high. Although I am not married, I hear from my married friends that there is a certain comfort level that comes with marriage and people slack off on things they did to “get” the person. If she is already slippin then it is quite possible that she will continue on that downward spiral. Just my opinin…
    Now about the kid. That adds an element of complication. If you see him as your son, then you need to consider the effect your decison will have on him…either way. If you stay & you are not happy in your relationship, he is going to feel that. If you leave, he will feel that as well. Figure out what is best but whatever you do, do it swiftly. Marriage will not fix your problems & it may just magnify them. If the “issues” can be resolved then resolve them and get yourself back in there. Right now I think you have checked out. If you can’t get checked back in then you need to be out.

  9. This man has to think more about the longevity of the situation. He knows he should have got out a long time ago but he is just getting the real deal in his face. I wonder how she thinks the relationship is?

  10. You can remove the lack of sex issue from this post -although that makes the decision easier – and just focus on the fact that the man doesn’t feel like this woman respects his grievances. Whether that is real or perceived, the fact that he feels this way is enough reason to walk. A relationship, especially a marriage, should be your sanctity from the rest of the BS that life heaps upon you, it should not contribute to your grief. Ex to the the next my man, ex to the next.

  11. Sadly, no one has commented on the first thing that popped into my head when reading this post – does your girlfriend KNOW how you feel about her? Have you explained in plain words (like you did here) to her how you really feel about her ignoring your needs and being self-centered in the relationship? I am a wife, and I must admit that I have been guilty of almost everything you listed at one point or another in our relationship. Most times, I had NO idea I was doing. I never knew some of the pet peeves he had, or some of the ways he felt neglected. Not until he told me. Sometimes he had to tell me repeatedly, but once I got the message, I changed b/c I do know he’s a great man, and I love him… and I see him changing for me. Before you walk away from having invested so much into her, yourself, and her child, talk to her. Give her the opportunity to become a better woman for your family.

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  17. So, let me get this straight. After four years, you’re still waiting for her to change? Seems to me like both of you are just comfortable and co-existing. From what you’re saying, it sounds like she is really the only one benefiting from the situation. She gets a man who is well-to-do, she gets a father figure for her child, and she gets emotional support and anything she wants. Sounds like she’s winning to me.

    If you feel like you aren’t getting what you need emotionally, why are you wasting time with her? No, I wouldn’t marry her either. Nothing is going to get better and you will continue to feel cheated. Everybody wants somebody who values their feelings and their opinion. If ol girl isn’t doing that, then you deserve to be with someone who does. So, yeah I agree with Darryl and you really may want to re-evaluate what you have going on. And not that age is a factor, but age is a factor. Mid 30’s and the possibility of living the rest of your life unhappy, OR having to start over when you’re closer to 40 does not sound like a favorable situation. We all have choices out here, so choose someone who is ride or die for you, and not just mooching off of a comfortable situation.

    AND lol @Lola (see first comment), because i can relate. It’s women out here who are the worst, but have the good men. It doesn’t add up to me at all, but I digress.

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