This week’s Open Friday letter has the elements of cheating but from the perspective of the man getting cheated on. We always think of the concept of cheating from the perspective of men doing it. Can our actions cause our mate to cheat on us? I brought in @Fly11 of FashionizeHaus.com to help weigh in with a response to this week’s letter.
Dear Ashy to Classy,
I had been with my chick for about 3 years. Everything seem to be going alright with our relationship that was until she came forward and said she had been cheating on me for the past 6 months. She then ended our relationship. I was devastated and she left me. I had done so much for her and loved her so much but I didn’t know why she would go f*** another man.
I was really broken up about the s***. So, I had to find out why she creeped out on me and left me. I hit her up a few times to try to get a resolution on what went wrong. She totally ignored me. She sent me an email after I tried to contact her a few more times. I didn’t want to at first but I want your thoughts so I am giving you her email:
I am sorry that I cheated on you left you. I could have handled the situation much better but I didn’t and for at that I apologize. You keep calling me and emailing me asking why I left you and cheated. I continuously expressed you to you the concern about the lack of us spending time, intimacy, lack and you’re constantly taking advantage of me being in your life. I would ask you to come over and chill and just spend time with me more and you would always be laying around your place saying you are tired or playing video games. I would even put my pussy on a platter for you and you barely would bite at it. I always went out of my way for you but I ask you do a few things for me and you never would comply. I got tired of asking you to spend time with me, to hold me, to be concerned about, dammit F***ing consistently even. Me cheating on you was meant to happen and kind developed over time. The guy I cheated on you with filled a huge void I was missing with you. Like I told you before I am sorry for what I did but I can’t be with someone like you any longer. I felt she was very selfish in this situation.
Yes, she told me the problems going on but why didn’t she give me time to work to make things better? She didn’t have to cheat on me. It was a punk ass thing to do. What do you think about the situation? Was I in the wrong?
First, off I have so many questions that I want to ask this brother that will sound accusatory and maybe not help situation much. People have to listen to their mate and understand their mates concerns. I am going to say this though people have to understand they have to take care of home before someone else forecloses on their home. But, you know what let me let Fly11 take over…
As I type this response, I have cued R. Kelly’s “When A Woman’s Fed Up,” in order to help me focus on exactly what happened in your relationship. First let me say I am sorry that your 3 year relationship has ended; that is indeed a nice investment of time and is longer than some people stay married. I know break-ups are difficult and most of all painful, so I am completely empathetic to your situation. Actually I am so empathetic that I feel the need to be 100% honest with you. The number one way to bruise a man’s ego is to cheat on him…which also happens to be the one thing men LEAST expect…which unfortunately becomes the only way you can get some men’s attention smh. When you get over the bruise, I think you will start to see the picture a little clearer. Let’s look at some things here:
1. Listening: You felt you’d done so much for her but she felt she was the one going out of her way for you and barely receiving anything in return. Contradiction? Very much so. Sounds like two people who were not good at listening to each other and THIS is a red flag. Communication issues will tear a relationship down eventually, no matter how long you hold on….it’s only a matter of time before the fabric rips. It almost sounds like the two of you were in different relationships with each other…scary. While a relationship is not exactly about “tit for tat,” only a fool or person with low self-esteem would not evaluate how much they are giving vs. how much they are getting.
2. Listening: You stated in your letter that “everything was fine until you found out she’d been cheating for 6 months.” It appears, you still don’t “get it.” Everything was not fine, this is why she cheated. Cheating is an effect of an underlying cause and it seems she told you quite clearly what the cause of her unhappiness in the relationship was. Your relationship didn’t end because she cheated…it ended because it was unfulfilling.
3. Listening: I can imagine that you contacting her repeatedly to ask why the relationship had ended after she’d expressed her concerns with the relationship multiple times and “continuously” as she says, was just even more upsetting for her. From a woman’s perspective, she expected you to sit down and really think about why this was happening and then come to your own conclusion based on what she was making OBVIOUS for you. This would’ve been a sign that you REALLY…really..REALLY cared. The fact that you ran to her for an answer instead of analyzing the situation for yourself just reinforced her point…you don’t
listen to her.
In conclusion, of course she was wrong for cheating as opposed to simply leaving the relationship first OR telling you she needed to take a break. However, what still has to be honestly dealt with is that she did make SOME attempt to let you know she was unhappy. You said she didn’t give you time to “fix” things but she said she repeatedly told you about these issues. Not to mention, how long does it really take to make time for your woman? To make her feel like you want her? Those are 24 hour turn around items right there..you could’ve made those changes instantly. It is not selfish to expect to be fulfilled within your relationship by a partner who cares about and meets your needs. My analysis is that you took her “staying” with you for granted and wrote off her complaints as typical female nagging and unfortunately it came back to bite you. I hope this experience teaches you that when a woman’s fed up, she can, and she will do something about it so your best defense is to keep her from getting to that point (by LISTENING).
Write in with any question for Open Friday at firstname.lastname@example.org
What do you think about this weeks letter??? Chime in With your thoughts!!
If you haven’t make sure you check out this weeks episodes of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show was called “We Can’t Let Drake Play Barack Obama” with special guest comedian Tony King. You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.
- A Relationship Doesn’t End When You Catch Them Cheating – It Ends When You SUSPECT They Are (thisisyourconscience.com)
- Why Are You Cheating? (collegerelationships.wordpress.com)
- 4 Reasons Women Cheat (everydayhealth.com)
- Five Reasons Why Men Cheat (dualshow.com)
- Help, My Husband Cheated on Me & Now I’m His Mistress (nwso.net)
- When Doves Cry: Personal Accountability In Relationships (brendolynmarie.com)
- Would You Tell a Friend Their Partner Was Cheating? (nwso.net)
- Honor Second Chances With Your Ex (revolutionarypaideia.wordpress.com)
- What’s So Wrong With a Husband Having Girlfriends? (nwso.net)
- White Lies: Five Things You Keep From A Friend (brotherswithnogame.com)