This week’s Open Friday letter has the elements of cheating but from the perspective of the man getting cheated on. We always think of the concept of cheating from the perspective of men doing it. Can our actions cause our mate to cheat on us? I brought in @Fly11 of FashionizeHaus.com to help weigh in with a response to this week’s letter.
Dear Ashy to Classy,
I had been with my chick for about 3 years. Everything seem to be going alright with our relationship that was until she came forward and said she had been cheating on me for the past 6 months. She then ended our relationship. I was devastated and she left me. I had done so much for her and loved her so much but I didn’t know why she would go f*** 
another man.
I was really broken up about the s***. So, I had to find out why she creeped out on me and left me. I hit her up a few times to try to get a resolution on what went wrong. She totally ignored me. She sent me an email after I tried to contact her a few more times. I didn’t want to at first but I want your thoughts so I am giving you her email:
I am sorry that I cheated on you left you. I could have handled the situation much better but I didn’t and for at that I apologize. You keep calling me and emailing me asking why I left you and cheated. I continuously expressed you to you the concern about the lack of us spending time, intimacy, lack and you’re constantly taking advantage of me being in your life. I would ask you to come over and chill and just spend time with me more and you would always be laying around your place saying you are tired or playing video games. I would even put my pussy on a platter for you and you barely would bite at it. I always went out of my way for you but I ask you do a few things for me and you never would comply. I got tired of asking you to spend time with me, to hold me, to be concerned about, dammit F***ing consistently even. Me cheating on you was meant to happen and kind developed over time. The guy I cheated on you with filled a huge void I was missing with you. Like I told you before I am sorry for what I did but I can’t be with someone like you any longer. I felt she was very selfish in this situation.
Yes, she told me the problems going on but why didn’t she give me time to work to make things better? She didn’t have to cheat on me. It was a punk ass thing to do. What do you think about the situation? Was I in the wrong?
____________________________________________________
Fir
st, off I have so many questions that I want to ask this brother that will sound accusatory and maybe not help situation much. People have to listen to their mate and understand their mates concerns. I am going to say this though people have to understand they have to take care of home before someone else forecloses on their home. But, you know what let me let Fly11 take over…
Dear Reader,
As I type this response, I have cued R. Kelly’s “When A Woman’s Fed Up,” in order to help me focus on exactly what happened in your relationship. First let me say I am sorry that your 3 year relationship has ended; that is indeed a nice investment of time and is longer than some people stay married. I know break-ups are difficult and most of all painful, so I am completely empathetic to your situation. Actually I am so empathetic that I feel the need to be 100% honest with you. The number one way to bruise a man’s ego is to cheat on him…which also happens to be the one thing men LEAST expect…which unfortunately becomes the only way you can get some men’s attention smh. When you get over the bruise, I think you will start to see the picture a little clearer. Let’s look at some things here:
1. Listening: You felt you’d done so much for her but she felt she was the one going out of her way for you and barely receiving anything in return. Contradiction? Very much so. Sounds like two people who were not good at listening to each other and THIS is a red flag. Communication issues will tear a relationship down eventually, no matter how long you hold on….it’s only a matter of time before the fabric rips. It almost sounds like the two of you were in different relationships with each other…scary. While a relationship is not exactly about “tit for tat,” only a fool or person with low self-esteem would not evaluate how much they are giving vs. how much they are getting.
2. Listening: You stated in your letter that “everything was fine until you found out she’d been cheating for 6 months.” It appears, you still don’t “get it.” Everything was not fine, this is why she cheated. Cheating is an effect of an underlying cause and it seems she told you quite clearly what the cause of her unhappiness in the relationship was. Your relationship didn’t end because she cheated…it ended because it was unfulfilling.
3. Listening: I can imagine that you contacting her repeatedly to ask why the relationship had ended after she’d expressed her concerns with the relationship multiple times and “continuously” as she says, was just even more upsetting for her. From a woman’s perspective, she expected you to sit down and really think about why this was happening 
and then come to your own conclusion based on what she was making OBVIOUS for you. This would’ve been a sign that you REALLY…really..REALLY cared. The fact that you ran to her for an answer instead of analyzing the situation for yourself just reinforced her point…you don’t
listen to her.
In conclusion, of course she was wrong for cheating as opposed to simply leaving the relationship first OR telling you she needed to take a break. However, what still has to be honestly dealt with is that she did make SOME attempt to let you know she was unhappy. You said she didn’t give you time to “fix” things but she said she repeatedly told you about these issues. Not to mention, how long does it really take to make time for your woman? To make her feel like you want her? Those are 24 hour turn around items right there..you could’ve made those changes instantly. It is not selfish to expect to be fulfilled within your relationship by a partner who cares about and meets your needs. My analysis is that you took her “staying” with you for granted and wrote off her complaints as typical female nagging and unfortunately it came back to bite you. I hope this experience teaches you that when a woman’s fed up, she can, and she will do something about it so your best defense is to keep her from getting to that point (by LISTENING).
Write in with any question for Open Friday at fromashy2classy@gmail.com
What do you think about this weeks letter??? Chime in With your thoughts!!
If you haven’t make sure you check out this weeks episodes of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show was called “We Can’t Let Drake Play Barack Obama” with special guest comedian Tony King. You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.
Related articles
- A Relationship Doesn’t End When You Catch Them Cheating – It Ends When You SUSPECT They Are (thisisyourconscience.com)
- Why Are You Cheating? (collegerelationships.wordpress.com)
- 4 Reasons Women Cheat (everydayhealth.com)
- Five Reasons Why Men Cheat (dualshow.com)
- Help, My Husband Cheated on Me & Now I’m His Mistress (nwso.net)
- When Doves Cry: Personal Accountability In Relationships (brendolynmarie.com)
- Would You Tell a Friend Their Partner Was Cheating? (nwso.net)
- Honor Second Chances With Your Ex (revolutionarypaideia.wordpress.com)
- What’s So Wrong With a Husband Having Girlfriends? (nwso.net)
- White Lies: Five Things You Keep From A Friend (brotherswithnogame.com)
Wow, definitely an interesting read and a hard pill to swallow. Good one D
Well said D, I agree with you 100%.
This situation is all so much fuckery going on! Look your woman SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU! You didn’t honor her or obviously take into account what she wanted. You not even giving her any and playing video games and lloungin?? Seriously?? Where do they make ya’ll people who don’t want to have sex
He a lame ass dude straight up on the real! He turning down pussy! What kind of twilight zone are we living in?
My question is this: If the situation was flipped how would the ladies look at it? A woman not giving any up? Is he being a pig or horn dog? Just a question to flip the situation. Because I think both are fuckiing up to the highest level. If you not satisfying your mate how do you expect them not to stray??
PRECISELY my point. If this was reversed everyone would be going on an on about how the woman must have had a valid reason for not wanting to have sex (like dude wasn’t helping around the house). All of a sudden the woman gets carte blanche to do as she pleases because some dude, that she isn’t living with and has NO kids by, isn’t holding up his share? The door was always open for her, she could have walked out at any time with nothing holding her back. I’m calling BS.
You are definitely right Pounder!! wom,en are saying this is cool but a dude deeps out because it and I BET it would be a different case
Sometimes you gotta listen to the silence to fully “get it”
I agree w/ the response you gave to dude. She gave him an opportunity to fix whatever was wrong and he either wasn’t hearing it over his CoD headset or he just didn’t wanna change. The thing about women and relationships is when they’re truly vested and become unhappy, most of them will communicate that to their dude and give him a chance to fix it. The fact that she stuck around the extra 6 months as she was cheating should’ve let him know she had 1 foot out the door. (I’m sure there had to be some changes in her behavior that reflected she was checking out)
I think this guy (and many guys) have a bit of narcissism. I mean after 3 years, I wouldn’t think my girl would leave either. But women get fed up having the same conversations w/ a dude over and over again. When you stop taking care of her, she’ll stop taking care of you.
Y’all really think this dude was clueless?
He was not. Let me explain.
Homeboy thought everything was ‘fine’ until she cheated, right? Who in their right mind would think everything is fine if the other half wrote you a letter telling you she’s “consistently” been telling you it isn’t? A dude in a relationship with a PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE, that’s who!
Lemme tell you, women (& i’m a woman, & VERY guilty of this) have a very annoying way of being vocal when they’re annoyed, then CLAMMING UP when whatever they are annoyed about has reached a point where they can’t take it anymore-THEN assuming that the dude would understand that her silence means she’s 10 seconds from walking out the door.
NEWS FLASH women- he takes your silence as an indicator that whatever is bothering you, DOESEN’T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.
Of course he thought everything was ‘fine’- for SIX MONTHS chick probably didn’t say a WORD about her grievances! He just happily played his video games, counting his luck that she wasn’t “nagging” (to him, explaining to her, btw) him anymore about it, thinking they were fine. Moral of the story? Listen ladies, I know “some things are worthless if you have to ask for them”, but men CANNOT read your mind. If instead of cheating, she simply called him up one knight and ANNOUNCED (not asked) that she wanted to see other people since he was already in a polygamous relationship with his x-box, e’d all be having a different conversation. Sorry, I know you may accuse me of blaming the female for everything, but if the man doesn’t know that she has reached a breaking point, how is he gonna know it’s time to shape up or ship out?
Are you serious? We are talking about adults, not children. When she tells him OR he tells her there is a problem, it should be taken literally and seriously. They aren’t teenagers, they are adults who should have established some sense of maturity. I don’t see her behavior as passive aggressive because she actually LEFT him after he refused to meet her needs. If you are employed and your employer calls you in to meet with you about not meeting expectations, it’s already safe to assume they’ve reached their breaking point with your bullsh*t. Relationships work the same way.
I’m sorry, did you miss the cheating for 6 months part? SIX. MONTHS. Six MESES! Chick couldn’t woman up and leave in like, month three? I’m sorry, I’m certain by this point he has come to an understanding of how wrong he is but somwhere there was a breakdown in communication on her part as well and, regardless of having a reason, cheating is still WRONG. There is a lesson to be leaned on BOTH sides. How do you put up with a lazy, video game-playing, no pipe-laying dude for three YEARS and blame HIM for you being unhappy?
PS- At your job, last time I checked, you get a FINAL WARNING. Nowhere in either the letter OR his response was it indicated that she had let him know that she was about to walk out the door. As a matter of fact, she apologised for handling it incorrectly, and her refusing to give him an answer as to why she left (indicating, AGAIN, that she thought her silence spoke for itself) for weeks just shows that she expected him to know smething he obviously didn’t- on some “well, you should KNOW what you did” ish.
PPS- I’d bet all kindsa cash that her “p**y on a platter” was her saying “well, I’m going to bed” at 9:30, while passing him by on the couch.
Wow that’s a lot of assumptions being made. In situations like these, it’s much better to stick with the facts. None of us have the most intimate details of their relationship so we are clearly on the outside looking in. However, he admitted that she did tell him those things were problems. Yes she was wrong for cheating but her not cheating would not have stopped the relationship from failing. Cheating ALWAYS gets too much attention when the reason WHY a person would cheat or is cheating should be were the focus is. And six months is not a very long time to cheat…I know married men who’ve cheated for 20 years ssooo…yeah, just being realistic here. I just think it’s best to be objective and stick to the facts instead of adding our perceptions to them.
Sidenote: If you need a “final warning” on your job to get your ish together, chances are you are not a very good employee and your days are numbered anyway. The first time an issue with your performance is brought to your attention, it’s on you if you don’t start fixing it…it’s a risk you take, so the consequences should be accepted just as willingly.
Facts? Sure. Here you go.
FACT: They have been together 3 years, and for 6 months of those three years she has been cheating.
FACT: That leaves 2 years of his behavior. (You mean to tell me if you were saying something clearly that the person wouldn’t have heard TWO YEARS worth of nagging? I don’t have that kinda energy, but we’re getting off facts here-but DAMN).
FACT: ” Me cheating on you was meant to happen and..developed over time.”- time that she could have spent packing her stuff, a much more mature option. You know who cheats long-term instead of leaving? Passive. Agressive.
FACT:”The guy I cheated on you with filled a huge void I was missing with you.” Er..if dude was so great why didn’t she leave in month ONE? Oh yeah…’cause she was waiting for her ‘real man’ to “get it” and wise up & treat her right.
FACT: I tried to contact her…She totally ignored me. Of COURSE! Cause he should KNOW what he did!
Listen, the only reason I’m hard on the both of them is because they have NO ties. From this email, they live in separate houses & have no children. This relationship was going nowhere fast, and there was NO reason for this girl not to up and leave after year one! Trust me, this man will have no problems, because he will one day meet a woman who will not put up with that foolishness from DAY ONE-and he will mature & shape up to meet her clearly communicated expectations. Meanwhile, if the girl doesn’t learn from this as well, she will find herself the victim in ALL her relationships.
Who is to say she hadn’t complained for 6 previous months prior before the cheating though? A person will get tired of saying the same thing over and over again
Listening is something that a lot of men lack. I feel as though I am a good listener most of the time. However, there is more for me to learn outside of that. It is never good to assume while in a relationship. We all need to pay closer attention when we are in relationships. Otherwise, situations like above will continue to happen far too often.
It’s simple…LISTEN TO THE WOMAN!
Can we cue Ice Cube’s Who’s The Mack?. This cat either doesn’t really like women, creeping himself or just a dude with NO GAME!
I think she should have fought for the relationship more!! Three years is a long time to just go out and cheat with someone else because of some flaws. She needed communicate this longer and harder to him. Who is to say that the next man is going to be any better?
You sound stupid as hell(I’m sorry). Why would you stay with some one that is DELIBERATELY not listening to what you want or need. The chick was not asking for anything that wasn’t within reason. Sorry but like I said before if you aint suck and fuckin your partner, spending time with them. They will leave you!! You shouldn’t get kudos for just being around!! Relationships are a constant thing! I won’t even tolerate a chick turning me down too many times
Wow, this was me two years ago. I was in a relationship for five years and it was going great as far as I was concerned. Then one day she wasn’t happy out of the blue. I knew at that point the relationship was headed for hard times. I knew it was matter of time before we would be going our separate ways. Now, true to form, I wanted to make this relationship work. Was willing to work through the bumps in the road, but one this is certain, you can’t make someone love you if they don’t want to. I knew at this point someone else had her heart. I knew that someone else has swayed her, but I was still willing to work it out. Still willing to stay. Why some would ask? Because as Lionel Richie sung in his song “Penny Lover”, “When a man’s in Love, he’s only has one story.” He’s in love with with this woman and feels she is worth the investment. What is wrong with our generation and those younger than us, is we are a throw away society. We will throw our hands up at the first sign of trouble… Me, I an still in love with this woman and hasn’t dated in a year an a half because of how I feel about her. I know for me this woman was right for me, but she didn’t feel that way. As my father always told me, “Good guys finish last, and bad boys gets the gold.” I’m not a shamed of being a good guy. I’m not a shamed of showing my love for my woman. I am proud to be able to say that I loved this woman with commitment. So in closing, if you love someone and feels deeply that they are worth fighting for, THEN FIGHT FOR HER!!! STAY WITH HER UNTIL SHE SAY IT’S OVER…
Er..Clint? SHE SAY IT’S OVER. You are a child of God, and my heart hurts for your heartache, but let it go. I think you need some better quotes. here’s a few:
“Don’t continue to make someone a proirity that clearly views you as an option”.
“Don’t let something that’s long gone continue to control you. Let it go”.
“Your perfect match is somewhere waiting for you to realize that you’re a perfect catch.”
“People think they’ve gotta cling to what they want for dear life..but it’s the letting go that brings all things to you.”
I hope everything works out for you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world because you deserve it.
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Whew! A lot has been said. I’ve been in the same boat personally and while I didn’t cheat, I certainly considered it. It’s easy to allow yourself to be taken for granted to the point where you lose yourself being wrapped up in being the other person’s other half. Then when you realize that he’s always “too tired” to go anywhere with you, but can stay up til the crack of dawn involved in his hobbies, the situation becomes real. Repeating yourself time and time again does nothing but frustrate yourself if the person acts like they heard you, but doesn’t put any words into action. I really appreciated the employer/employee analogy mentioned above because when I left that relationship, and he didn’t “understand what happened to us so suddenly” I took him back to school, and reminded him how we would get progress reports that gave us a chance to see where we were and turn things around. I was done issuing warnings and reports. The semester was over, report card had arrived, and he failed. Still and all, cheating is never the answer. I hope that the woman in this scenario doesn’t suffer ill consequences from starting a new relationship in secrecy, as there could always be that doubt that if the man she moved onto didn’t respect the relationship she was previously in, he may be susceptible to whatever female comes along with that same mindset. And I hope the man that submitted this letter learns his lesson from this situation, and treats the next lady like she is his main, instead of just a backup.
Truth of the matter its always gonna be the mans fault regardless no matter how the story is told
As I express often, bold, open, and frank communication is necessary for all relationship to continue to exist. This relationship ended because there was an absence of this type of communication.
Interesting post and followed comments. I believe everyone will view things differently or somewhat differently unless in the position themselves.
Let me add: sometimes when you believe in a person or a relationship so much … one tends to look past certain aspects (negative aspects) and hope for the best. I believe this is the reason why it’s so EASY for others to reflect with perfect vision.
Not reality though.
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