Open Friday: How Does a Baby Mama Become a Wife?

If you haven’t make sure you check out this weeks episodes of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show “When Will America Just Exhale?” with special guest Eddie Holman IV. You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.

This weeks letter was written in response to this weeks guest post “Some Truth’s Women Don’t Want to Hear“. Very interesting letter where the reader is really having an issue with her life dynamic and men.

________________________________________________

Dear Digg,

I really love your blog and all of the great things you have to say. I read the guest post the other day about things a woman doesn’t want to hear. At first I was very upset at the post but I sat yesterday really thinking about what was said. I am 27 years old and I have three children by two different men. The kids’ fathers are in and out of their lives. Even with all that I graduated from college a year ago and I am working hard to provide a way for my kids even without their fathers barely being around.

My problem is this that I am having a hard time dating men that who are on the same teach or aspirations as me. It seems like every man that I met after they find out about my children they back away from me. I even asked one guy once and he told me straight up that he didn’t want to deal with multiple baby dad situations. I know I made some mistakes early in my life but I do want a good man that has goals and aspirations. That’s why that post yesterday really stung. I want to get married and find a good man. I see all of this other women who are half the woman I could be scooping up great men. What is a woman to do if the men I want to be with don’t want to be with me because of my kids?

Lonely Woman

This is a heavy loaded question but I will do my best to give you MY opinion. First off I want to commend you for getting your college degree in spite of your situation. I know it can be hard to make things happen in this world let alone with children and wayward fathers.  I will definitely say that most men don’t want to talk into a ready-made family situation. The reason they won’t is because simply they don’t have to. There are lots of great women who handle their business that don’t have any children or multiple baby dads. The guest blog though it went hard in the gut it was very correct in a man’s risk assessment situation. Honestly, the choices we make in our past can hurt in our future yours just happens to come in this arena.

With all that being said I will first say that you need to get your confidence up. Yes, you have a handicap that will chase most dudes away BUT it is the cards you are playing with. If they don’t want to play the game with you. Just because you made mistakes in the past doesn’t mean that you can’t move forward and make things happen. Yes, you have multiple kids by multiple men at a younger age but what you are doing now in your life is the key.

Are you confident to walk around with your head high and make a better way for your kids because that is what’s the most important now NOT a man? A man who really wants to be down with you will see that energy coming from you and he will want to be a part of that movement. A woman can be a baby mama and become a wife. The road for you is just going to be different from your counterparts. You can’t live your life worrying about the next man. Oscar Wilde said it best “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.” But, I ask you are you even ready, equipped, mentally sound and confident in yourself to even accept the good man you want?

Addendum from the guest post writer:

Ok, you need some advice, and the biggest part my cousin left out is: check your friend zone. I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that while you were laid up with trife niggas you were actively shutting down and stuffing good men in the friend zone where they remain to this day. Plus, think about it: these dudes already know your situation, probably already know your kids, already seen your faults, and they are still sticking around. That right there, in the position that you are in, is EXACTLY what you need, because I still wouldn’t trust what you want (as in, what you actively pursue).

So dive in your friend zone pool, you might come up with a treasure.

Write in with any question for Open Friday at fromashy2classy@gmail.com

What do you think about this weeks letter??? Chime in With your thoughts!!

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34 responses to “Open Friday: How Does a Baby Mama Become a Wife?

  1. Man, all I gotta say is Kris Jenner had four kids & ended up with a multi-millionaire Olympian and award-winning motivational speaker. Kim Kardashian had a sex tape & got re-married, and to this day can still have any dude she wants. Evelyn Lozada got Ochocinco. Friggin SUPAHEAD got friggin BILL MAHR to wifey it up for a while, and is on her what, second or third marriage?

    I’m saying all of that to say this: EFF WHAT DUDE SAID IN HIS LAST POST. You can miss me with all that “risk assessment” talk. All you gotta do is do a couple of quick Google searches on your favorite video girl, random Housewife, “model”, pageant girl or cheerleader to know that ALL rules go out the window if you happen to be JUST that fly. Even the illustrious Hill Harper with his “Letters to Bull$#!*” is currently boo’d up with a VIDEO GIRL. Work on YOU. Hold your head up. Keep working to be that fly girl no man can resist, BELIEVE you are that fly girl that no man can resist and guess what? NO MAN WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST YOU. Act like a prize and a man will treat you like one. Get a self-hypnosis mp3 for self confidence. Ban all sorts of “I’m not worth it” talk. Cause honey, YOU ARE. YOU ARE.

    • She does have to step her game up as you said but your comparisons were the exception and not the rule. She just needs to get her confidence up and worry about her kids like D said.

      • She obviously cares for her kids. She cared enough to get her life straight, get a college education to increase her earning potential and be a great example, and is fully cognizant of the fact that the direction her life was previously going wasn’t working. I hate that people even think that because she is looking for a man now after doing ALL OF THAT, that it somehow means she is not worrying about her children!

  2. Yep, because living life by the exceptions hasn’t screwed anyone over, amirite! Your kind of unrealistic kindergarten “you can, do anything!” pep talk bullshit is just that. In the real world, for every one person you named like that, there are 100 who what I’ve said applies to. Living life by the exceptions is mostly luck, and a smart personal, doesn’t gamble with their life, they tilt the odds in their favor, which is what men do and according the letter writer clearly have been doing. So take your ripoff Cosmo advice somewhere else, maybe them white women buy that shit. For us negroes, things tend to be different.

    • Sorry, last time I checked I was having this conversation with a college-educated career woman under thirty with honestly NO babby daddy drama, as her children’s fathers are non-existent (and, therefore, a non-factor in her current situation). Not a GED-only serial babymomma living in MarcyP with stretch marks, bullet wounds & blue synthetic extensions. She already IS an exception, she just needs to start acting like it.

      • Actually, you are responding to a letter my cousin recieved in response to MY guest post which you chose to say is wrong by giving a bunch of exceptions to the rule that millions of other women face, and tried to get her to bank on odds worse than me getting into the NFL.

        Umm, first off, I’m not going to go into detail about how incredibly wrong you are. It would literally be its own blog post, which I will write, so you stay tuned for that so I can show you the error of your ways. Secondly, education level =/= how good of a woman you are in a relationship. If you thought that was the case, then I question your intelligence. Secondly, no woman should take advice from you, or any other woman, about men. EVER. It’s like having a hernia and getting advice from your electrician instead of a doctor, or having a black person be lectured on what a racial slur is by a white man. You have fuck all experience on being a man. Me and my cousin have damn near 60 years combined on being a male, so our advice about men >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> your advice. You are wrong, and the massive amount of hubris of telling a woman you know more about how men think and look at women than a man is astounding, and probably how she ended up with 2 baby daddies in the first place. Stupid asses like you probably telling her she can change a wack nigga into a good man is just as much of a pipe dream as thinking you are going to bag a Hill Harper after years and years of dating and attracting only dirtbags. Because not only does she have to figure out what it is about her that is attracted to that and correct it, but then have to put herself on a higher pedestal than other women who are coming with the same credentials of a college degree with no kids, which means she’s going to have to work twice or three times as hard as a woman with a degree and no kids.

        To pretend her kids in a man with no kids and a career’s eyes isn’t a major risk and a setback for her when her peers are packing the same with none of the baggage is crazy talk. But you keep living in your fantasy land where black male grads outnumber black women grads and the fact that 50% of black women go unmarried doesn’t exist. I will continue to give her real world advice like kids come first and check your friend zone, and move forward from there, because clearly you don’t know shit about men.

        • Lord. Where to even begin. I can’t. This is too long. However I will touch on 2 things.

          1) You have 30+ years of experience being male, which means basically nothing but having 30+ years of experience knowing how YOU think and operate, NOT how MEN IN GENERAL think & operate.

          2) That rediculous 50%-70% unmarried stat is only reflective of women aged 19-29, which means nothing except that Black women are marrying later in life. If you blow that up to after 50, the stats go up to 70%.

          But I’ll write it in terms you seem to use and understand. Fuck-all, fuck-all, dumbass don’t know shit. With some hubris thrown in for intelligence, of course. Have a pleasant one.

          • 1) That’s WAY more experience than what you have gotten, on top of that adults teach males differently than they teach females. Period. OS I received life lessons and talks you NEVER have had and never will have. Experiences and conversations you will NEVER take part of. But keep on giving bad advice thinking you know more about men and how to get a man then men do. I’m sure that somehow makes some sort of sense in your head.

            2) It’s ridiculous, but yet true. And surprise, she’s in that category.

            3) The use of sentence enhancers is not reflective of intelligence. I’m quite sure my IQ is higher than yours and I’m a member of MENSA. So if I choose to tell you that you know fuck all about how men think, it’s because telling you nicely wouldn’t properly convey my reaction to exactly how fucking stupid your statements were. So yes, you said some dumbass shit that is not founded in reality, but also shows the mind of someone who watches too many reality shows and think the shit is real life and you can do it too.

            Plus my days are always pleasant. Life is good with logic. ;)

            • I was not going to dignify this rediculous conversation with a response primarily because 1) you are assuming my level of intelligence and 2) You are assuming that I am undermining your level of intelligence. However, let me just say that my first comment was in no way meant as a personal attack to you, and quite frankly I have no interest in continuing a personal attack debate on the level of people’s intelligence when I do not know you, and do not care to. My point was, all the EXTRA was, well, unnecessary. What is the purpose of having an “open” debate if you are not capable of considering an opinion without acting like a petulant child? The really sad thing is the majority of your opinions I agree with, and that is why you have not heard me comment on any of your posts until this one.
              This woman has obviously ALREADY taken steps to detach herself from her past, is now actively engaging with people outside of the original circle she ran with, and has fully grasped that the direction she was going in before was taking her nowhere, fast. But, like a woman who has just lost a lot of weight and still dresses like a fat person, her struggle is with the mindset that even though she is on a different level, she is not attracting men of the same. That problem is mental, and has little to do with men. As a matter of fact, if you REALLY read what I wrote, my ANSWER had little to do with men. And goodness gracious, do you really think if I spoke of my personal friends instead of people everyone knows that she would understand what I’m saying? Yeah, my personal friends have men of good reputation in their lives despite questionable pasts. But if you don’t know them, what point would that have made?

              PS- Intelligence & logic really don’t mean anything when it comes to dealing with people. Asperger’s can have MENSA levels of intelligence. This is a blog, and blogs are all about opinion. This is mine. I realize I have as much right to my opinion as you have to call me anything but a child of God for stating it, but it also does not stop me from thinking the way I think about you after it. Have a pleasant one.

              • Wow, so what you mean to tell me is that I’m wrong in making a bunch of assumptions about your intelligence, and that your ad hominems weren’t ad hominems, and then proceed to make ad hominems and a bunch of assumptions past the information presented in her letter?

                Yes, I know your response had little to do with men, which is why *dum dum dummmm!* it was a dumbass response that had no basis in anything, and only seemed to serve as you self-affirming a lie you are tying to convince yourself of.

                She asked “what is she doing wrong or what’s going on that she isn’t attracting a good man?” You didn’t answer that AT ALL. You went off on some Steve Harvey diatribe that had nothing to do with her dilemma and sounded like some crap confidence boost for yourself, that served exactly ZERO practical value for her or anyone else with 2 neurons to rub together.

                Also being a child of a mythical being has nothing to do with your opinion and the lack of relevant information in it. Here are some handy tips next time you want to claim someone is wrong:

                Have relevant evidence/experience – You tried to disprove a reality that millions of women live with by pointing out 1 in a million people. That’s delusional and silly.

                Actually attack the points made – I know this may seem difficult to you, but you should go after what I brought up, which wasn’t her education, but her ability to choose partners and what she likes and is attracted to. You didn’t address any of that, and decided to focus on something no one brought into question. You literally turned a non-factor into a factor.

                Next time you want to debate, you should try it with less fallacies and more substantial argument. And if what you were trying to say “it’s just your opinion”, but not all opinions have the same worth, as opinions backed by evidence and substance are worth more than those without. Your opinion is worthless, and I will treat it as such until you back it up with some substance.

                • Well, lookie here! it seems that we are ACTUALLY having a debate! See, I knew it was possible.The amazing thing about all of this is that my original comment was in effect another side of the exact same thing Digg said! So please, include the entire circle in a question of intelligence, if you are really going to go there. All I told her was to continue working on her, like she obviously ALREADY has, and the confidence that results will attract the man she wants. Kinda like THIS:

                  “Are you confident to walk around with your head high and make a better way for your kids because that is what’s the most important now NOT a man? A man who really wants to be down with you will see that energy coming from you and he will want to be a part of that movement.”

                  REALLY sound a lot like:

                  “Work on YOU. Hold your head up. Keep working to be that fly girl no man can resist, BELIEVE you are that fly girl that no man can resist and guess what? NO MAN WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST YOU. Act like a prize and a man will treat you like one.”

                  So I guess ALL of our opinions are worthless. I can’t post another soliloquy for you, as I just don’t have the energy. For you. Have a pleasant one.

  3. Good advice Swizz!! Another thing I gotta say is a chick like this has to be down with full cooperation. You can’t be high siding and getting all extra with the game

  4. Great ideas for this female Digg! She gotta understand what is sitting in front of her. Her kids! you gave it to her straight but with Tact!

    Now on to Greg! Dude you can’t tell you don’t get any pussy because you don’t know how to deliver a message. Its all good to deliver things staright forward but learn to exhibit some tact because your message gets lost if you can’t convey it correctly

    • @Fly, now ain’t this the pot callin’ the kettle.

      You out-of-pocket. How are you gonna’ question that man’s tact….and (in the next sentence) claim Greg AIN’T gettin’ any….(how the Fcuk would you know?)….AND then graphically spell ‘P’ out….some folks are actually at work. I’m one of ‘em.

      You gonna’ piss me off………

      • How am I gonna piss you off? He is talking way out of pocket like a loud lotuh dude who doesn’t get any I aint saying nothin that isn’t clear to see

        • That’s exactly what I’m talking about……you said the same thing about Digg, last week. What does a man’s viewpoint (which may have stepped on YOUR open toes) have to do with whether or not he’s smashin’ a woman? What? Totally irrelevant. Now you prim and proper and guilty of what you accuse Greg of…C’mon

  5. Great post! And good advice! Greg needs to learn how to have a simple discussion and not have to get all profane

    • @Mary………..Ok, if you co-sign.with Fly…cut that man the same slack…..deal ‘em straight or not at all….

      If anything I would think you’d side with Maris…….just sayin’

  6. Life is filled with trials and setbacks. There will always be women and men with different advantages than you have, that does not make you undesirable. When people learn to cut through the selfishness and embrace the person, any situation will be conquerable. That means those issues that come both before and AFTER the commitment will be faced as a team effort. I would be wary of anyone who is opposed to facing situations you have prior to your relationship. They will likely be the ones who will be opposed to facing situations that come up during your relationship. Let the ones that run, run. They are runners. When you have a soul connection and deep love for someone you choose them. Situations come and go. So don’t look for a man/woman. Look for love.

  7. Since your shoes are muddied with things that make you less desirable to a certain type of man, I would suggest you find your target audience. It’s possible that the men turning you away now aren’t your target audience because they are very aware they don’t have to deal with women with kids. If those men deal with you, they have the freedom to do things you don’t. At a drop of a dime, they can take a trip or even go to happy hour. If you do those things, you’re dogged for being a bad mom for leaving the kids. But if you aren’t as available as your childless counterparts, you’re a neglectful mother. However, if you went into another social strata, those men are used to women with kids so you having a few aren’t a big deal.

    As far as confidence? I don’t know. I hear ugly people say that all the time and try it. Shyt hardly works with men who are rated above a 7.5. They aren’t distracted by confidence, false or real. Eventually, they wake up to the ugly (physical and mental).

    The bottom line is for you to figure out why you made the choices you made with the kids’ fathers and the guys who have turned you away. Once you figure that out, what YOU get from your interactions with those men, and the negative things those men have in common, you can make changes in how you vet your potential mates. The other thing to consider is that men go after women. The tone of your letter leans towards you trying to campaign your way down the aisle.

  8. I’m going to note one more thing (now that I’ve cooled off, lol)- I’m a JUST A LITTLE (lol) bit older than the authors and I can tell you- the balances kinda tip after 30-35. I bet beside your friend zone (which was a GREAT point, btw), there are divorced men that will happpily accept your company if only for the reason that they have done the marriage & family thing already and ARE still interested in a relationship, but NOT in having any more children-even though they may still LOVE kids (please see: my childless, unmarried self, my divorced ex and the reason we broke up-and 80% of his circle of happily divorced fathers). Once people get older, they come to the realization that NO ONE- including themselves- is baggage-free. As long as you have learned the lessons and have improved on yourself, MATURE men will notice that. It gets better on this side, trust me. My 20’s sucked @$$, my 30’s are great, & I’m expecting my 40’s to be the time of my life!

    I wanna ask, though, where are all these dudes that have all these options? I haven’t dated a man without at least ONE babymomma in YEARS, who the hell are they to talk?

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  11. My observation is that emotional wounds from childhood often lead a person to a solitary or unhappy period in adulthood even when the childhood wounds might be objectively small in fact.

    In other words, having three children at an early age is a barrier to establishing a marriage but that was your choice and you probably had emotional reasons –however subconscious–to choose that life. I’m in a much later phase of life but what I notice is that when women are ready, truly truly ready to share their love and generosity with a man, some wonderful man appears. It’s always a woman’s choice.

    Not knowing your narrative, I’d still make a guess to say that your childhood hurt you in some way that made it difficult for you to establish a traditional marriage at the traditional time. That’s normal. Taking a long time to work through those hurts is normal. Putting up all kinds of barriers to marriage is not uncommon. Think about three babies as a different kind of ‘commitment-phobia’.

    When you truly want that marriage, it will come to you.

    I’ve seen it happen hundreds of times.

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  14. Dating is an elimination process. It’s weeding out the people you aren’t feeling to get to the ultimate partner. I agree with what Darryl said about a man not wanting to date someone with 3 kids And multiple fathers Because he doesn’t have to. There are more options for men out there which allows them to be picky. I say you want whoever you’re with to want you for you despite of your circumstances and if said men are burning out after hearing your story, it’s probably better for you anyway. Men can be petty and usually only 50% of who they are seeking for themselves …on to the next

  15. Lets keep it real the more mileage with kids a woman hands the harder it will be for a man to deal with her unless she has some great cooperation. A man without kids has to really be feeling you and have a love for you to want to take care of your kids by other men. MOST men aren’t but life isn’t lost by any means. You just have to understand your deficinies and move through the dating pool and think of those handicaps as positives

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  17. I know I am eons late, but what in the hell damn universe is people living in where they feel babymama’s cant find love too??? As a single childless woman, I am SURROUNDED by single mothers who are very actively dating and have a banging love life!! Its so funny, on the internet everything is so black and white, but in real life its just not like that. And like the lady said up top, its really all about THE WOMAN and how she carries herself. (I will admit though, when you start exceeding 3-4 kids, I’m sure its harder to find good men willing to step in…but even then, if she’s very self-sufficient and isnt anxious to force him into daddy role….whats the ish?)

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