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The dating game is already a touchy thing. It is a game that can make us a better person or it can destroy some of our inner soul. The dating game as one gets older there is more and more a likelihood of dating someone who already has a child from a previous relationship or marriage. In the past I have always been a guy who frowned upon women who had children for my own personal idealistic reasons. The older I get the more I realize that it can be an issue but is it an end all be all to a relationship? Now I will always frown upon chicks that have multiple baby daddies (that I will never change on). But this week’s guest post is coming from Ashley Colquitt of Curly Deviants one of the fast upon and coming Women’ Health, Beauty and Life blogs. She is going bless the From Ashy to Classy pages with her perspective on dating someone with a child.
Is dating someone with kids worth it? Let me preface this by saying this entire post is totally MY opinion and everything I say comes from my own experience.
Recently I’ve come across this equation in my life: great guy + kid = total confusion. I thought that I’d never want to date someone with a child for all the fairly common reasons like not wanting to deal with the other parent, drama, wanting to be the first to have someone’s kid etc. As I’m getting older and I’m letting go of some of the more rigid items on my dating checklist (over six feet tall, “swag”, and a few other silly things I choose not to mention) I’m starting to realize that generalizing a whole group of people based on one thing is, and will always be, utterly ridiculous. To assume someone has a drama filled life because they have a child is not fair or rational.
Here’s the thing – dating someone with a child is a HUGE commitment from the moment you meet the kid. You’re not only accepting the person you date, but their child as well. So please, think carefully before jumping into it. Just as I realized I was missing out on so many good men less than six feet , maybe you’ll realize the same about this situation. I’m not saying that you should settle or let all your preferences fly out the window but I am saying that maybe the plan for you is not necessarily how you have it pictured in your head.
Maybe the plan for you is to be a role model, guide or huge part of a child’s life that is not yours by birth. I am definitely in favor of giving it a try, so here are my tips and advice on navigating these unforeseen waters:
- You have to have to have a clear understanding of the relationship between the person you’re dating and their ex. Ask yourself, do they treat their relationship more like a business or like they’re still together without titles? Do they talk negatively about each other? Do they constantly argue? You need to know this upfront in order to know what you can and can’t deal with.
- How often do they talk about their kid? I believe there is a direct correlation between how much someone talks about their kid and how involved they really are in their life. After you’ve talked to someone for a while they should be open about their child. My guy can impersonate all of his daughter’s sayings to a tee because they spend a lot of time together. You need to know if you’re really dealing with a deadbeat disguised as a Dad or an unfit Mother.
- THIS IS IMPORTANT: The person you are dating must make you feel comfortable with the situation. The more awkward they make it the more awkward it is. You should NEVER feel like you are a secret to the other parent or that you can’t ask the person you’re with any questions that you want to know. In a situation like this your relationship definitely has to be an open book and it’s not going to work without 100% EARNED trust.
- Trust your gut. If you feel like the situation is fishy or if you feel like things just don’t add up and they’re not right – they’re probably not so get out of it now before someone really gets hurt, probably you.
- Be true to yourself. If you know in your heart of hearts this is something you could never be ok with then don’t get into it. It takes a lot to accept someone with a child and if you feel like you can’t there is nothing wrong with that. Just be true to what you can and can’t handle in a relationship.
So there you have it! A starter’s guide to dating someone with a child. This is my first time dating someone with a kid and so far so good. The most important thing to us is that we always communicate everything to one another, even stuff that other people may think is unimportant we talk about. He always makes sure he puts himself in my shoes and realizes that it’s hard so he is truly active in making sure I’m okay, which I love. One thing that I think is crazy is when he tells me I probably wouldn’t have liked the man he was before he had a child. The one thing that would’ve kept me away in the past is the main reason he is the great guy he is today. Think about that and keep an open mind, in the end it’s all up to you!
Hope this helps! – comment and let me know about your experiences, good or bad!
- The Double Standard of Single Men With Children (halloftheblackdragon.com)
- “How Can I Be Supportive Of My Man Despite His Pyscho Baby Momma?” (hellobeautiful.com)
- If You Want Your Significant Other’s Family To LOVE You – Start With The AUNTS (thisisyourconscience.com)
- The Right Woman for the Single Dad (tazromagna.wordpress.com)
- Think Like A Man, Fail Like A Man (singleblackmale.org)