Last time I decided to go deep into the concept of sex and relationships things got pretty heated (peep: “Not Having Sex Before Marriage is a Setup For Failure“). This post is going to dive into the psychology of men and our ideals when it comes to sex. Have you ever heard of Sigmund Freud‘s Madonna-Whore Complex? It’s a lot of psychoanalytical babble from Freud, but let me break it down in laymen terms.
The Madonna Whore-Complex
Men classify all women into one of only two categories: either evil sexual temptress, or good and pure saint; a woman has to be one or the other. A man with a Madonna-whore complex is one who will sleep with and lust for a sexual and beautiful woman- but he will never respect her as “wife” material and he will never marry her. In his eyes, she is tainted, impure, and unworthy of the status of wife. Still, he may have passionate and contradictory feelings for her. He may even be in love with her but will never allow himself to be with her in any real sense. He’ll look for a “good girl” to marry, usually a woman who is cold and lacking passion sexually. For example: she is good at domestic “wifely” duties: cooking, cleaning, homemaking, etc. A proper, pure “Madonna” type woman who will bear his children.
These are conflicting desires that some (but certainly not all) men have for women that are experienced in the bedroom and unashamed of showing sexual prowess (“whore”). At the same time a woman who is wholesome is clean and nurturing (“Madonna”) is not to be branded a “slut”.
The Madonna “Ho” Complex
I’d like to take this concept and develop it little further. I’ve had this discussion with many of my homeboy’s (and acquaintances). I’ve discovered that many men don’t necessarily care for the sex or get enough sex from their wives/long-term partners. This, undoubtedly, is for a multitude of reasons. I’m actually speaking of the men who knew/know going into the marriage that sex was an issue in their relationship. Sex isn’t everything in life. But to dismiss it as a part of how we function, especially within a relationship, is neglecting the solstice of a man’s process (and some women’s). This is where I see the biggest variation of The Madonna Whore Complex (I call it the Madonna “Ho” Complex).
A perfect example…Tiger Woods.
This country was built on a Puritanical belief system that condemned women for expressing any form of sexuality (“The Scarlett Letter,” anyone? Anyone?). Some men say that a woman’s who’s had a lot of sexual partners shows a lack of positive decision making skills and bad life choices…which I agree with. But, the issue I want us to all to think about is how men view a woman’s sexuality.
The dichotomy of this situation is very simple and something that really isn’t talked about. Some men are willing to marry a woman they aren’t very sexually compatible with because she displays some form of virginal being. Either she hasn’t been with many partners or hasn’t had much sexual experience. But they get into a relationship with the woman and then are upset that she doesn’t want to be as sexually free as them.
Deep down, a lot of men have some form of what I call the Madonna Ho Complex. We expect that we should be able to sow our wild oats and bang as many chicks as possible… while the virginal or close to virginal chick waits in the wings for us to stop our imperialism on the coochie. I always ask myself and other men: If we all are out land-grabbing who do you think those women are who are being land-grabbed?
This is what I’ve heard men say:
“She was too freaky for me want to wife up…she gotta be a ho.”
“She just seemed like she was too experienced for me…she gotta be a ho.”
“She wanted too much control in the bedroom… she must be a ho.”
These same men will say they married a woman because she was “pure,” she hadn’t been with that many men, or wasn’t as sexually experienced and that he could train her to his wishes. It’s a very patriarchal process that becomes a simultaneous convulsion for men. They will eventually come to despise her for the same reasons he married or committed to her. Then they’ll go out and get a side piece to quench their sexual desires they aren’t getting at home. They take their sexuality to the “ho” while living the American dream with the “Madonna”. This isn’t fair to the woman or to the man – the man maybe putting out false pretenses and she may not be built for accepting them. One the other hand, why can’t some men look at their woman in a ultralistic sexual connotation - she is YOUR lady…wouldn’t you want her to be sexy??
I hear some married men complaining because they thought they were going to have more sex now that they were married. They get mad and project this on their wide like she’s doing something wrong (which she very well maybe). But, at the same time, you knew how she was before you got married. So why do you expect something to change JUST because of the marriage? I’ve heard from many married couples that you marry the person for who they are standing in front of you, not for what you expect them to be just because you’re married. Its alright if you want to be with that woman, but don’t expect her to be anything more than who she is. If she decides to flip it up and get more sexual chalk it up as a plus but understand people are who they are going to be. Can you accept her either way?
Questions: Why is it that someone’s sexuality scares men but at the same time they love a woman who IS sexual? Do most men suffer from the Madonna “HO” complex?
Make sure you check out this week’s episode of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show “The Wrist Game is Real Proper” features XXL magazine’s Tef Poe.You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.