Another edition of Open Friday is upon us. This week has been full with controversy in the posts that have been on FATC(From Ashy to Classy) this week. This week’s letter and topic revolves around the idea of a woman maybe getting “too much religion” in a marriage. I know it sounds complicated and it is but you know what just check out the readers letter.
Dear FATC,
I really liked your article earlier this week on Men and the Madonna Whore thang but what about a woman who flips the script the opposite way. My wife and I have been married for around 5 years. We don’t have any kids and everything seems to be working out alright. Well about 10 months ago my wife started to get involved in our church more. I was like cool. I can appreciate you trying to become more in tune with her spiritual side and wanting to find more of a connection to God.
The problem came in as time has went on she has wanted to stop having sex barely AT ALL! She spends a lot of time praying, at church, and barely spending time with me. Like when I try to bring up sex and talk about my concerns of our intimacy. She says that she understands but her mind and spirit is leading for her to serve Christ more now. She said that she hasn’t been feeling like having sex because of these new feelings. Every time I try to get intimate with her and get physical she tells me to stop and for us to pray.
This has become a serious issue because we haven’t been intimate in over 6 months. She has totally did an about-face on me and I feel like Jesus is getting more loving at home than me. I really love my wife but I don’t know if I can be in a sexless marriage like this. Should I feel bad because my wife wants to be more involved in her spirituality and relationship with God? I would be grateful for your opinion and your readers to get some other perspectives
Thanks,
Jesus Getting More Than Me
This is a situation I would dread to be in. So, I definitely feel for you brotha. First off this may sound funny when I asks this but…
Is she messing around with the Pastor? I mean it’s silly but how many stories have we heard about the Pastor messing with one of parishioners on the low?
In all seriousness you all obviously aren’t on the same page in your relationship. You all have to really have a heart to heart because for her to just flip the script like that their as to be some issue going on that you may not be aware of. It may not have 
anything to do with you but maybe just the way she looks or feels about you. One thing I was always taught:
“The day your woman doesn’t think you are cool anymore is the day you have lost her.”
Now the idea of cool is subjective to your situation and her definition of cool Maybe her idea of who you are has changed and she is using the religion as an excuse for not being intimate with you. Maybe she doesn’t feel you are as spiritually connected as she wants you to be(which is a crazy concept in itself to classify anyone’s relationship with God when its YOUR relationship). These intimacy problems are rooted in something deeper I would presume and that is something you as a couple need to explore. COMMUNICATION is key here! Even if you That’s the beginning and the key to everything. Even if you want to get religious doesn’t the bible say that the covenant of marriage is the most important thing?
There is a real discussion that needs to had between you too because even though some people sex isn’t everything as I have said before don’t discount how much it can mean. Sex is only an issue in a marriage when you aren’t having any.
Now it’s time for you give YOUR Thoughts on the letter? What do you think about this situation?
Write in with ANY question for Open Friday at fromashy2classy@gmail.com
Make sure you check out this week’s episode of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show “Ladies if You Want to Keep Your Man?” featuring Poet and Personality Mocha Latte.You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.
Related articles
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- Men and the Madonna “HO” Complex (ashy2classy.net)
- Open Friday: Dating is Like a Poker Game? (ashy2classy.net)
- 5 Reasons Why Colored Girl’s Should Consider Polygamy (ashy2classy.net)
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Well hey. The dudes in the last post wanted their “virtuous woman”, they got it, right? LOL!
Seriously though, this is one of the unresolved issues I have had with the church regarding women. You are taught your body is not yours, as you hand it over to God unti; you are ready to hand it over to your husband & children. HOWEVER, you have to be sure not to be ‘provocative’ in any sort of way as to incite lust from the men, who are obviously incapable of controlling themselves. THEN, you are supposed to ‘turn it back on’, when you get home to your husband. Are you seeing the issue here? Men are never urged to control themselves, it is up to WOMEN to not “provoke” them. So you basically have to turn off anything that makes you a woman in order to prosper in the church, and somehow turn it back on for the hour that your husband allows? Anyone else seeing the disconnect? To be honest, I have no answer for you other than to ask your wife, POINT BLANK, where she would like you to go to get your needs fulfilled. When she balks, tell her the Bible also includes sSng of Solomon. It is VERY difficult for women to find the healthy balance between holiness and fulfilling their pleasurable desires- because for SOME reason no one realizes that if you have been teaching someone that sex is dirty for YEARS, they will NOT magically think sex is a great thing when they’re married!
“because for SOME reason no one realizes that if you have been teaching someone that sex is dirty for YEARS, they will NOT magically think sex is a great thing when they’re married!”
This is the quote of the day.
“Sex is only an issue in a marriage when you aren’t having any.”
You can say that again! I can’t imagine being in a marriage where the sex life falls apart because of religion. At what point does religion come into the bedroom of a married couple like THAT? There are some deeper issues going on with this situation. There is something she is not explaining. Why would your religion take precedence over the union that “God is supposed to want for you to have”?
I agree, it’s something deeper that is the real root of the problem . I can’t really believe that she could become s spiritual yet look over the scriptures that involve having personal interest in others, respecting your mate, shoot, even the golden rule relates to this situation, as I’m sure she would not want her her husband to overlook a need of hers that she has voiced. He needs to have a real talk with her, or even suggest to have a counseling session with the Pastor (assuming she isn’t involved with him).
If there was ever a reason to get a side chic this one right here!!
Keeping praying and instruct her how the bible tells her to submit to her man!
You gotta let her go!! She gotta be banging some one at the church playa!!!!
Since she’s so Holy that she can’t have sex with her own husband, He needs to remind her of
1 Corinthians 7:3-4. “3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.”
Then he should ask her how she feels about divorce.
Ok. She is dead wrong here. I will go as far to say that there has to be some form of underlying issue. Not to be sexist, but because of the emotional differences with men and women, there is OFTEN an underlying emotional that either she realizes or is buried in her subconscious. With that being said, I would follow up a couple of questions:
1. What is the doctrine of the Church? For many churches, they practice more “Churchianity rather than Christianity”. Meaning that scripture, which should be the basis of all that is there, is often never touched. There are churches where the pastor NEVER opens the Word, yet preaches on many issues. If the church was sound in doctrine, she would have more than realized that her actions were OUTSIDE of the will of God and thus, she is sinning. She is married, not shacking. He is her husband, not her boyfriend. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 is the 1st to come to mind. The Bible also speaks of the dangers of temptation when a married couple goes a prolonged period of time without sex.
2. What is she guilty of. Women and men often express their emotions differently. Depending on the woman, it could have been something eons ago, yet is is manifested now. Was she abused? Did she have an affair in year one that church is making her feel guilty about? Did she screw up, majorly, in some way that she feels as if her priority is to get right with God rather honor her husband? There is SOMETHING deeper there that she ain’t telling. In these cases, one or two things come to mind: A. She hears the correct doctrine and CHOOSES not to follow it. B. She picks and chooses what is important to her, and follow it. Essentially, she has either made or is following her own “Jefferson Bible”.
In the end, it is either the brother or the relationship as a whole that will suffer.
I say this as an ordained Deacon in the Christ’s Holy Church: this is quite tragic and very problematic to the sanctity of marriage. Moreover, she is violating biblical principles.
Read (& have her read) 1 Corinthians 7:3-5. In marriage, neither husband nor wife is to deny the other. Rather, both are to fulfill the other’s sexual needs. The only time for abstinence is when both agree and then only for a time…a fast of sorts. But a fast of such type is only effective when it is agreed upon. If not (as in this case) it is detrimental to the marriage. And, if her pastor isn’t saying this then he’s a problem – even if he isn’t sleeping with her.
If his wife doesn’t agree w/ the revelation of this scripture, he should take her to members of the church, and/or to the pastor. I pray God will give grace and wisdom to this brother and bring restoration to their union!
And THIS is why some married men in the church are so THIRSTY & OPEN – because their “deep & spiritual” wives are starving them in the name of holiness. Or they’re using holiness as a COVER for deeper issues. God is NOT pleased!
There has got to be something else going on. Like those who went to grab the scripture. If she is really into church she would know this and abide by it. I say have a sit down and figure out the REAL problem.
Maybe she is using that as an excuse to not have sex with you.becuase she doesn’t love u anymore. Idk but I refuse to believe she would use anything relating to God as to why she isn’t following what the Bible clearly states.
Take it to the pastor od your church to have marriage counseling.
He must not be laying it down right because sex is one of the joys that GOD provides for MARRIED couples. It does not make sense that she would withdraw in an attempt to get closer to GOD. GOD has got nothing to do with the situation in the relationship,
I don’t have enough time or energy in my fingertips to say all that I want in response to this, so I’ll make my comment as succinct as possible:
1. Why are you asking this question here? For me, I would think if you were in love with your wife as much as you say and truly interested in salvaging your marriage, why would you come to a public forum such as this? Perhaps you’ve gone elsewhere for some insight or advice and simply didn’t mention it in your letter, but your wife AND the pastor is where something like this should be discussed.
2. She’s either taken things to the extreme or something else is brewing. I understand how some born again’s may feel as if they’ve done so much wrong in their lives that they feel the need to give 1000% to God when they get a taste of it. So since a few people here have already given you the biblical context of how what she’s done by turning off the P machine, I’ll spare you that. I’m curious though – was this a gradual shut off or did she just wake up one day and say “shop is closed”? Also, I wont go so far as to say she’s mixing fluids with the pastor but I don’t know about her reasonings being completely based on religion, especially if you’re already married.
Of course the bigger issue is what do you do now? You ovbiously haven’t been struck with can’t-get-it-up-itis, so I can certainly understand why you’re confused on how to proceed.
This is a matter where you need to seriously talk this out. Come armed with your understanding of her reason for change, but have your newly gained biblical knowledge, add a dash of “this wasn’t part of the marriage I agreed to, then top it off with some kind of compromised.
If not, you’re either going to have many nights of wearing out your palms or straying eyes.
Good luck to you.
I feel like you should go to the source. If the church is the origin, talk to the pastor; talk to your wife. Try to figure out exactly what’s going on. It is suspect that the church would lead her away to less sex with you; on the contrary, it should be encouraging of this type of bonding and intimacy. Hope all is well with you and that everything turns out for the best.
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Imagine if there wasnt an ‘underlying’ issue and her new found Holiness has put a stick up her butt so big that nothing else fits. That is most likely what it is and would also suck the MOST. In that case, you would just have to wait til she gets a bit of humble in her system. If or when she gets told off by Sista ‘such-n-such’ or made to feel rejected in some way by the church..she will come crawling back to her hubbie…eyes, mind and mouth open:)–
I just happened to see this while crawling thru the web, i have a similar situation. my friend, she will make you so mad, one day, you will break the law, find someone else and really leave her alone, she is not worth going to jail for.
think of your self, dont get depressed like her. she may or may not be seeing someone today but she surely will one day, the truth is bitter but better. forget the Pastors etc, its all a lie and they know it but need the money and attention they get.
oooh, i have touched a raw nerve, i even figure you are black couple.
If there is a devil, he is in the details of why people would even worship the God of their oppressors.
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First off, what married woman gets that deep into the church WITHOUT wanting her husband to join her?!? Secondly, is she changing due to what she’s reading/believing or being taught?!? She can’t be basing her decisions on what she’s reading because the Bible speaks about honoring your mate/marriage, staying equally yoked (getting him involved) and basically playing your position by doing your wifely duties. So her new ‘decision’ has to be from what someone at church is teaching her or something that she’s always felt that’s just now coming to the surface and she’s using religion as a cover. Talk to your wife about your feelings of neglect, explain that you support her decision to be more involved but not to leave you out of the equation and maybe even offer to do counseling at church with her Pastor. If that doesn’t work, you need to be blunt and let her know that even Christian men have desires that need to be met and your long overdue for some satisfaction. If all else fails, bring up divorce to gauge her response and if she doesn’t fight that, you already know where this is headed.