Please Stop Confusing Dating With Courting

The number one point of frustration with the dating discussion of today is the fact that women have chosen not to conform to the times in terms of give and take.  When it comes to dating the women who complain (on blogs) about men not “playing their role” will say something similar to this:

“I would NEVER ask a man out on a date; that is THEIR job to do! Men should be the ones choosing who they want to be with. And when he notices the girl, he should show her the sort of person he is by what he plans, what he wears, how he speaks to and treats her and whether he follows up the next day.”

Back in the day they used to call this sort of thing courtship and it was done when a man was looking at a specific woman to marry. It was a process and it didn’t come with multiple women; it was normally one woman who the man had set his eyes on to win over.

I hate to break it to you women with the same thought process as the above quote, but despite your “traditional” want for a mate – dating is not courtship, dating is dating. It comes with multiple people vying for your attention, selfish motives, and the desire to do as little as possible to get the most result. This is why a one-night-stand is like hitting a homerun for a casual dater.

Nobody wants to court you… why would they when there are so many prospects? Think about it. I will quote a bit of what mob boss Joe Bonnano had to do to win his wife in the old 1940’s time period in Castellammarese Italy.

“In any case, it would have been unseemly for Fanny and me to converse openly without the formal approval of her father.” (73. A Man of Honor)

To speak to the woman he had to get a sponsor (his uncle) to vouch for him to the woman’s father:

“My nephew Peppino, who comes from an upright family, as you well know, don Calorio, and whose good character I can vouch for, would like to express, in accordance with our custom, his good intentions toward your daughter Fanny” (74. A Man of Honor)

I had a good friend of mine do a similar ritual when he wanted to marry his girlfriend of 3 years before asking her. He met her father, sat with him and let him know his love for his daughter and his intentions – then assured the gentleman that he could not marry her without his consent.

I agree with what my friend did in respect to tradition. When it comes to marriage if you are a gentleman who wants to truly bond a family you would too, but for dating you must respect that the 2 worlds are different. Is this so hard to understand?

When a man is looking for a date his intent is not to marry you, it is to see if you want to get into the running to be his mate and then you can play out your 1940′s courtship ritual. This is a different age girls and we aren’t going to let you have your cake and eat it too.

The Rewards of Courtship For A Man

Nowadays when a man gets with a woman her offerings are a gamble – yet we know this and deal with it. In the first quote where the woman speaks to her expectations of a man’s role it makes us wonder if she would be willing to play hers in the traditional sense.

Would she: Accept her husband as the final arbiter on all matters of importance in the household? Forego her career to take care of the house; cook and clean; raise his children, etc.?

If you can say yes to the things outlined above then I think you do deserve a man to court you – just realize that it comes about after the dating period. You cannot expect men to play it as if you are their one and only when there is so much to lose upfront. Can we be realistic about this?

Good News For Men

Having debated this topic so much throughout the years I have found that most women who want a romantic courter are willing to sit back and “let their husbands lead” as part of the tradition. The women who write crazy articles about wanting the man to do his part but then ask for the man to back down in his role when married are an extremely vocal minority. Don’t believe the hype.

This is why we must continue to recognize that it is our prerogative to court a woman we truly feel deserves it, and date the ones who we hold reservations for.

This guest post was courtesy of Greg Dragon ( @hobdargon). Check out his Men’s Lifestyle blog  Hall of the Black Dragon.

Also make sure you check out this week’s episode of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show was our first LIVE SHOW  “It’s All The Way Live” Also you can check us out live at 7PM CST on trifultoonesfm.com. You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.

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16 responses to “Please Stop Confusing Dating With Courting

  1. Yes he did take it there and he did it so beautifully. I agree from a logical standpoint a man can “court” every woman he dates without suffering emotional damage from overextending himself and financial issues from everything being so high priced. However, I’d love to tackle this topic from a woman’s perspective. Women who date according to the author’s definition are looked at as “acting like a man.” We are supposed to give our undivided attention to every man that shows interest, meanwhile he can chase as much tail as he likes? Am I correct? Smh if a man is not expected to “court” unless he intends to marry then surely a woman cannot be expected to entertain just one man unless she too intends to marry.

    • Dating multiple people isn’t acting like a man my friend! lol If you give your undivided attention to EVERY man then men aren’t going to say “you’re acting like a man”. They’re going to say you’re acting like a ……… Courtship isn’t a something you di with the intent to marry, but it is reserved (or should be reserved) for those who you are serious about. I would never advise a woman to give men she’s interested in, dating, courting and married the SAME treatment. Isn’t that just “going through the motions”?

    • I agree…..just make sure you go Dutch on every date…no need for a man to have to put his Wallets attention to just one woman.

  2. Man I almost jumped through this screen just to give you a double fisted bro hug. I agree 2,000% with what you’re saying. Are there women who deserve to have nice treatment? Of course! But at sometime you have to recognize that there is a difference between dating a woman and courting (or what we call going together). If a woman expects the significant actions that she is supposed to get during the courting process to determine whether or not she likes the guy enough to be a “significant other”, then what makes those action “significant” if he’s openly displaying that he’s willing to do them with no real backing?! The same reason that a woman may not be willing to fight for you, or sew a button back on your shirt unless she’s YOUR woman. Courting isn’t a techincality, it’s a process. And before that you date to even determine wheter or not this is someone you want to even extend that to. JUST LIKE WOMEN DO. Good write!

  3. The truth of the matter is 96.5% of chicks dudes meet they just want to hit. Few are even worthy of wifey status

  4. This is very double standardish to me. So men can have all this choice while women just have to wait around? Why are some women so much worthier than others. Thats the problem with men that they want so much out of woman for just doing the bare minimum. A man should have to earn the things a woman will do for him. I get the point of this post but at the same time it is the same old song and dnace coming from men

  5. It’s the idea of wanting to know what you can expect from that man in the future, thats why we want the courtship from the jump. HOWEVER!!! I can perfectly understand why a guy would want to reserve actions of courting (and all that entails) until he is better informed about us as an individual.

  6. This is a great piece. People take dating way too seriously! Dating is just getting to know someone – courtship is when it gets taken to the next level.

  7. Thanks all for the positive feedback on the article. I notice that a few women are taking my post to mean that they should wait around but nowhere in the article is that stated.

    As men (and women) we all date around to find someone who clicks and I feel that it is unrealistic of many women (many who are single and blog) to assume that we will court each and every one of them. As one poster commented above, we date a lot of the times for sex – but when a man really likes and wants you, he will take the time to work elements of courting into the equation.

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  9. Yes, a lot of good points were brought up in the article. I don’t think the indication is for the female to twirl her thumbs, waiting for a guy to court her. I think that if there is a man worthy of permanence, then he should be approach differently than a man we aren’t sure of, getting to know, or just having fun with.

    With me, I didn’t allow my grandparents (basically, my parents, since they are the ones who raised me) to really meet any of the people I was seeing unless the intention was there it was becoming a serious thing. That number I can put on one hand.

    Out of those on the one hand, only one guy went through the proper ritual of discussing with them his intentions as it pertains to the relationship.

    I know it is tough, since there’s the double standard of the guy “exploring his options” versus the female “waiting for the right one.” How can we know of the right one if we wait? Is it right for us to invest energy in each guy one is “dating” like it’s going to go to the “other level”? What if you find out after five dates or even months down the line it’s not going to work out? Then a part of you may feel you’ve wasted time and energy.

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  11. I can agree that times are different now, but i think that society makes it really hard for people (especially women) who want to marry and settle down and have little desire to date around doing the same dance over and over. Some people just want one person and don’t care about getting to know all these different people (dating) for years before they lock it down.

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