Open Friday: She Says I Need More Money To Marry Her

Dear FATC,

I have a major problem right now. My lady and I have been together for a few years and I feel everything is going great in our relationship. I know this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is everything a man like me would want.

A few months we were talking about the possibility of marriage. She turns to me and says that I need to make more money before she would consider marrying me. Now I am not a baller by any means but I have a nice job and am working on some other things and building up my career as a photographer. It caught me off guard at first because I thought that we were all to the good in our relationship. Then the other day I brought up the idea of us getting married in the future and she said the same thing to me.  She then suggested that I should reapply for medical school and follow that dream because it would be better for us. She has been getting me applications and sending me emails about different schools in our state. She says she is doing what is best for us and our future.

So, now I am reapplying to medical schools and looking into the medical field again. I really love my lady and I want to be the caretaker and provider she needs in her life. Am I going overboard with me pursuing medicine again? I would appreciate your thoughts on this cause I like your perspective on things.

Johnny Be Good

Johnny Be Good,

First thing I have to say to you that everything doesn’t look to be all good. I wish I knew more information about your situation because I can’t comment as much with your situation because I don’t know her history or her context of saying this.  For instance are you not really ascending and going hard after what you want in your life. The Jazz thing and the “nice” job you have may not have in passion in it. Maybe she sees this and wants more for you and is suggesting you go another route to make things happen. Why didn’t you go to medical school before? These are some questions that and ideas that I do have…

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND…

Two things stick out to me

The first thing is that I have to blame you because you have to know what kind of chick you are dealing with. She just aint been talking about paper overnight. You have been with her for a few years this can’t be too much of a surprise to you if you really say you love her as much as you do.

The second thing is ff this situation is like you are describing from this letter….Your chick is full of s***. How she going to tell you that you basically need to be a doctor to be with her? She knew what kind of dude you were from the jump. I always say if a person ants what they want it’s not a problem with it but don’t put your wants onto someone who can’t realistically reach them. We all have this ideal of a mate but the creator wasn’t gracious enough to make someone who is everything we want them to be. You have to ask yourself whose future is she more concerned about the unit of you two or her future?

At the end of the day you have to really sit down and think about if you really want to pursue this medical thing because of her because it is your passion. If you really do feel you need to be in medical school. Go for it and know that your woman is just trying to push you in a positive direction. If you really don’t understand that your chick maybe wanting to mold you into who SHE wants to have as mate instead of loving you for who you are.

What are your thoughts FATC?  Chime in!!

Make sure you check out this week’s episode of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show “Negro…You Gay” with comedian Carmen Barton.You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry of Stitcher Radio.

 

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21 responses to “Open Friday: She Says I Need More Money To Marry Her

  1. Diggame, I’m sorry but her ass would have been kicked to the curb after making such a statement, especially if I already had my mind set on “this is the one”. Clearly she is not.

    After being with someone for enough time to begin to consider marriage and they hit you with a statement pertaining to your pockets, I believe you have to stop and think (if that’s the case) why is she there in the first place? I’m good enough to shack up with, but not good enough to marry? No one should have to change who they are or realter their path in order to gain a life-long commitment. I see destruction here. Why would he STILL consider marrying her after the statement was made the FIRST time?

    I know what it is to motivate my man and to want the best for him, however, her statement was not intended for motivation… she’s trying to portray an image to HERSELF for HERSELF. It’s not about him. It’s about what she wants. So what happens if he decides that’s not the route he wants to take (assuming he does have his own voice) Will she leave him or will they just continue shacking without the possibility of numptials?

  2. There are entirely TOO many variables that have been left out of this to make a fair assesment.
    All Kanye mic-grabbing aside, on my 1st skim it didn’t sound to me like she was a money-grubber. It sounded to me like “nice job+photography+’other stuff (??)'”= UNSTABLE, so while she has been supportive of your waterfall-chasing as a BOYFRIEND, she would like you to have a more secure fall-back as a HUSBAND. She’s just expressing it all wrong.
    ****Now, I am only going by this read, but you did not note anywhere that she has complained about you not giving her enough, or buying her fancy things or needing to take her out more. You also didn’t note the context of “other stuff”, but I DID note that you listed a lot of things you were pursuing, which is leading me to lean towards me thingking she is expressing that she would like you to move on from your “jack of all trades” mentality if you are looking for a life committment. And that is something you will have to get your answer from internally.

    • ” a more secure fall-back ”
      I love that phrase.

      Marriage is for love or for finacial security? Marrying under the premise that the man provide the promise of a consistent pay check is bad news. A future of resentment and angry lay before such a man, because he will never respect her. Cheat, lie, abuse her all he wants… hey, what’s the big deal, you didn’t marry me because I love you, or because I treat you right?

      I’d rather be poor and living under a bridge with the women that I love then in a mansion with a woman I have come to resent because the fact is… we are married because of the mansion.

      I will repeat my prior comment. Go for it. Go to med school. Listen to everything she tells you. It will be better for you in the end. as she probably sees great potential for you Unfortunately, it is very bad news for her. There are lots of beautiful women in med school you will probably end up with in the end.

      Think about it this way. How many actresses do you know stay with the men they dated BEFORE they became famous? None. Zero. Won’t happen. Never happens. Usually its the bf that sends in their pics, supports their dreams through acting school, or pushes them to be a star, and they push themselves right out of a relationship.

      Your gf probably sees you better than you see yourself, and realizes that you’d be better off going back to med school. Listen to her. but don’t talk about marriage until after residency.

      good luck.

      • “I’d rather be poor and living under a bridge with the women that I love then in a mansion with a woman I have come to resent because the fact is… we are married because of the mansion.”
        Yes, of course, the #1 reason for divorce is money matters for NO reason at all.
        Listen, I don’t understand how some people are taking this “all you need is love” approach to this situation. It has already been established that the love is THERE, she just wants to make sure the rest is taken care of as well. There is nothing wrong with that.

        • You know what? You are right.

          I love my gf. She is perfect in every way and I would totally marry her, but I told her I can’t take the “all you need is love” approach, and that she has to lose 50 lbs if she wants me to marry her.

          She already knows I love her, I just want to make sure the rest is taken cared of as well. There is nothing wrong it that.

          I don’t think she should have a problem doing that for me to consider marrying her… she already knows I love her.

  3. This one is waaay too simple. She’s just killing time until someone better comes along to scoop her up and sweep her off her feet. I’d say she’s easy pickings for a baller or someone who has the appearances of wealth. She’ll break off a little something to the first dude with a nice car that pays her some attention.

    I really don’t have a problem with what she said, because at least she was honest. This dude either needs to step up his game or be out. The best photographers make a lot of money, too, so he can go hard at that or figure out how to make some major moves at the job he’s already working.

    Plus, we’re only hearing one side of this story. She may be balling herself or progressing substantially in her career and is looking for someone who is equally yoked, financially. IJS…

  4. This totally makes me think of the Kanye song…she won’t a gold digger but she ain’t messing with no broke niggaz

  5. My initial reaction was “Here goes another woman preparing herself for life on Black People Meet.com”, then it went to “Is he delusional about his finances and really not in the position to even consider marriage?”.

    I disagree with this man pursuing medical school just for the sake of doing the responsible thing. I hear what may be a passion for something other than that field, so I can only see resentment from him later on.

    Furthermore, is Miss Doing-It-For-Us looking at the bigger picture? Where does she think the money is going to come from for medical school, and does she realize her man is going to be working his a** off to repay student loans which surely, will affect her idea of the good life?

    What I’m hoping this man is doing (in addition to sharing with your blog), is sitting down with his soon-to-be-ex, laying down a plan and discussing expections, wants and reality. My thing is this – why do so many people in relationships not discuss expectations and desires much earlier?

    For some, they feel these types of things should only come up when you get really serious. Uh no. Talk it up early on, so that way you’re not completely invested and caught up with someone who’s life plans are completely different than yours.

    Good luck to the writer sorting this out and if not – I’m in California. Lol

  6. She is one of those chicks always trying to change a man into what he isn’t. Then mad a few years later saying men ain’t shit. She probaby think the grass is greener when that not always the case. She probably just playing the rile until she can get a better man anyway

  7. This reminds me of the post on “gold digger vs grown woman dating” issues. There is a fine line between the two but they are different. We all know that one of the major issues in marriage is money. You mentioned having a nice job but building a photography career. Financial security is something that a lot of people desire and it could be that your “artist” career is one that she sees as unstable.

    With all that said, you have to decide if she is pushing you to greatness or if she is seeking superficial status. If you want to go to med school go. If it is not your passion, don’t. The time and energy it takes to go through med school is a large sacrifice…not to mention the financial burden it creates (i.e. loans). If you are doing this for her, you might end up resenting her and/or find yourself with over one hundred Gs of debt and no her because all you did was study.

    A lot of women claim they want a successful (rich) man but they don’t factor in the sacrifice of that lifestyle. It takes a lot of effort to get and maintain that kind of success and although the grass may look greener on the other side, that water bill is pretty darn high.

    PS: I’m a doctor (PhD), I’m 32 and I’m single. Major reason why…I didn’t have the time and energy to care about somebody that much when I was in school. Not saying one can’t be successful in a career and a relationships but it takes a whole lot of effort to make somebody else feel valued and important. As it turns out… I just didn’t want to work that hard.

    • Michelle, you make a good point on the reality of the want (well off or wealthy) vs the things that come with it. Also, I can understand this woman’s point of view wanting stability before even considering marriage, so I hope the men and women on here ready to drag her off to the gauntlet are mindful of this.

      Does a woman want to be worried about being the primary breadwinner, one the family relies on for medical/dental benefits, concerned about money for down the road for retirement? Hell no, if she’s smart she’s thinking about all of this. Perhaps I’m going out of bounds here, but when I hear a man (but particularly) a woman who is being knocked down because she wants a man who is secure and can provide, I think this is a cultural issue. Would Becky be called out for wanting the same? No, I don’t think so.

      Her concern is based out of fear, I believe. In case her man doesn’t turn out to be the next Gordon Parks, she’s wondering what his plan b is. Her method, however is wrong and he would be a fool to pursue something that demanding if his heart wasn’t in it.

  8. Any woman that depends that you make more, even though you are happy with what you do and are financially independent, is not someone that you want to be with.

    You two should build a financial plan together that works for both of you collectively, no matter who financially inputs more.

  9. This is good for you. Bad for her. I have never seen, in my personal life or friends, a woman get to keep the man she push to be someone else.

    Flat out, no exceptions. I’ve seen it too many times. When a woman gets with a man, thats what she gets. Unless she GROWS WITH HIM, If she pushes him to advance and be someone else, he will cheat on her or leave her. I’ve never see it happen any other way. Call it resentment, or she marketed her man to a better woman… idk.

    But that’s a bad move on her part.

    What she got was Bob the Photographer. She didn’t get Bob the Doctor. If she wanted a doctor she should have gone to med school her self and dated a collegue, because if she pushes Bob the photographer to be a doctor, 8 years later she will be right back where she started, single, and dating a photographer. And Bob the Doctor will be with a woman on his status level.

    So I would listen to her. Go back to school. Become a better man per her recommendation. Its only sad, that in the end, she won’t be able to compete with the women who will be on your level when you are done.

    Unless, of course, she is already a doctor, and in that case, you need to step it up.

  10. If the condition on marrying you is ‘more money’, bail. Sorry to be harsh but this woman wants ‘standing’, something superficial. Now making a decent living is great, but her expectations are just unrealistic. Say you do go to med school…I’d bet once did make whatever amount she expects, it still wouldn’t be enough. What ever happened to you providing for her as you already do, being nice and treating her well? I’m a woman and hearing things like this saddens me. Godspeed, my friend. Ask her if she can go back to school to get a better paying job to help contribute to her ‘dream’? Your answer should be very enlightening.

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  12. For me, there are too many factors left out for me to really make a clear cut decision.

    For instance, is the guy in question a “go getter” or is he just settling for now? Why did he not do the medical school thing before–was he not passionate about it or is the path he on now the best one? If she’s just trying to encourage him to be better, then him going to medical school (if he wants to do so) isn’t such a bad idea.

    However, if it’s a situation where she is looking out for her own interest and money, and she keeps throwing the medical school carrot in his face as a requirement for marriage, then he has to re-examine whether she is definitely the person he wants to settle down with. What happens if he falls on really tough times, or if he pursues the medical thing again, only to have difficulty being placed or finding employment? Is she going to disappear as fast as the money? He doesn’t need a woman for a sprint; he needs one for the marathon.

    It’s just too much being left out for me to definitely say, “Hey you need to leave her alone,” or “Man, chill out; she’s looking out for the future.”

    In the end, you have to do what is best for you. If medical school isn’t it, don’t be bullied into it. If she really loves you and wants the relationship to work, she will understand that and not let that deter the two of you from getting married. If she does, then the marriage decision has already been made, and you just have to be strong enough to cut your losses.

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