Is The Marriage Struggle Really That Real?

I was witness to some of the most outlandish ish in the world last week.  I’m talking nonsense of epic proportions!  I was eating at one of my favorite spots and saw a group of brothers (black men, no relation) eating dinner and catching up. I recognized one of the dudes and went over to speak quickly and leave, I didn’t want to be rude and interrupt, but didn’t want to not speak either.  I had no clue what I was walking into, if I did I would have left out the back door.

When I went to speak to my boy, he let me know they were celebrating a bachelor party and trying to get some food in their stomachs before the insane amounts of liquor attacked their kidneys.  He said their goal was to make a black hangover, I should have known then to move around, but I didn’t.  Trying to be social I offered to buy the first round of drinks and figured we would take a shot, I would move around, and they would try to figure out who was going to lose a tooth and marry a stripper.  But, while we were waiting for the drinks, one of the dudes in the group started to ask the groom-to-be why he was getting married.  He start hitting him with all these facts about marriage.  You know the ones about how half of marriages end in divorce or separation.  Then another dude started telling him how bad marriage was and how he need a Zanex to make it through his ceremony.  Another dude was saying he didn’t know why gay people were tripping, once you get married, you can get divorced and that’s expensive….he should know considering he had 2!  I expected a little ribbing from single guys and maybe a joke or two from the married men (followed by how great their marriage was) but these dudes hated marriage more than Cavs fans hated Lebron in 2010.

I was amazed at the overwhelmingly negative response and instead of just leaving, I asked the married cats why they felt so negatively about marriage, and here is a paraphrase of their options:

Marriage is Bull$#it!!

Ya’ll thought is was going to be some longe deep paragraph didn’t you?  Hell I did!  I thought they were going to talk about the pressures of living up to the vows and taking care of a household.  I just knew I was going to hear brothers talk about the pride of raising their children and the frustrations of parenting.  But what I heard was a bunch of cackling broads whining about how “ain’t nothing better than nookie, than new nookie.”  They complained about how their wives had let themselves go after the honey moon and hadn’t given them head since!  All I heard was complaints, and all the complaints were about sex!

Then the ish hit the fan.  The groom-to-be asked the oldest cat in the group, maybe his late 50′s early 60′s, what he thought about married.  The groom-to-be said, “you got to be in love you been married longer than I been alive.”  The old man took a sip of his drank, smiled and said,

“The problem with most cats is that they married the wrong damn woman!!  And the other half of these jive turkey’s  they probably got married for the wrong damn reasons.  And the rest of ‘em just ain’t found they medicine yet.  Marriage is different for every man.  Some have it easy – mostly cause they married the right person and for the right reason.  Some struggle – with money, responsibility, women, and other shit. But them the ones that married the wrong damn person or got married for the wrong damn reasons. Like cause she pregnant or put up with his bull.  And they gone always struggle, less they find some medicine.  Medicine is a woman that does any and everything you feel like you missing from your wife, without asking for much of nothing in return.  She cook, clean, and put it on you something special.  She don’t call the house, ask for more time, or complain.  When the struggling man finds that, it makes marriage a lot easier for him.  The problem with that is that if the struggling man was too damn dumb or he would have married his medicine in the first damn place.  Cause when your medicine is not yours, its expensive and addicting.”

The old man took another sip of his drank and told everybody to shut the hell up and drink.  He leaned over to the groom-to-be and said if she ain’t you medicine already you gon struggle.

What do you all think?  Is marriage all it’s cracked up to be?  Do you think it’s better to cheat if allows you to be happy at the crib?  What do you think about the old man’s advice?

This post was brought to you by Smoke The Ghetto Profit who is a contributor to the Group blog The Writerz Block. Make sure you check out the great writers over there.

Make sure you check out this week’s episode of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show ” What’s Love Got to Do With It?” with graphic artist and hip hop culturalist Rhasad ”Shadzilla” Whittier”. You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, I-Pad or Black berry with Stitcher Radio.

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31 responses to “Is The Marriage Struggle Really That Real?

  1. Marriage, amongst other things is not for everyone. So why end up with the wrong person, have medicine on the side, put yourself and your partner through such misery to then become a divorce rate statistic? “I’d rather be alone, than be with the wrong one.”

  2. Good post Darryl! I believe it IS what is cracked up to be but then again I haven’t been married. LOL It seems like folks go into thinking its going to be a piece of cake but really its just that person being worth those sacrifices. Also when something is worth it, you don’t really ‘count’ what you’re giving up because the rewards are that much greater. Old man’s analogy sounds about right to me.

  3. Good write up! The sad part is society makes people feel they HAVE to be married for whatever reason. But, the reality is there are few women who are wife material as well as men that are. The result is that most chicks will have to know their man may have a side chick. And on the converse a man is gonna have to deal with the petty bs that women do in marriage

    • you hit the nail on the head when you say people feel like they have to get married! it’s not a pre-req to a great life. Marriage has its benefits and when done properly is pretty dope. I’m confused by the number of people that feel it is a requirement of a successful life.

  4. Was that old man my daddy? He easily admits, he married the my mom and stepmom for all the wrong reasons. As a result, he became resentful for a while, not realizing he was merely suffering the consequences of HIS choices. Cus let’s be real, he chose to ask my mom and stepmom to marry him. He says most men conveniently forget this when they aren’t happy. THEY are the ones who asked. THEY are the ones who didn’t make the best choice.

  5. On the flip side not only is she your medicine but hell are you her medicine. While she’s doing things for you and making your life easier, and giving you everything you never knew was missing. What are you doing for her? Are you making her life easier?

    • This was all from the male perspective it wasn’t from a woman’s so why would a women’s need to be brought up?? You sound like one of those spoiled chicks who thinks its all about them. When most marriages in relationships are all about women. Have you ever heard that when a woman’s happy the relationship is? Men wallow in pain while yall go around bouncy happy with a ring EVERYDAY B!

      • Trying to personally attack me was not need. I just posed a question. Is it possible for you to have a discussion w/o the need to personally attack someone because they may not follow your line of thinking. You sound like some bitter man. You mentioning that the article was from a male point of view is all that you needed to say in response to my questions

  6. Wow!! This was a great read.

    Being as though I have a wedding date set 2 years from now… well 2 and a half yrs, this was very, very thought-provoking in addition to wedding planning. Kind of make you want to put a hold on those flowers being ordered, lol. Left me speechless, so speechless that I’m ready to go home and share it with my fiance’. I think I want to hear what he has to say about it.

    Just in case anyone wanted to know why we decided on a 2 to 3 yr engagement period on top of a 6 yr relationship… I’m assuming, to make sure that we are each other’s “medicine”, LOL!! Seriously, all jokes aside.

  7. The problem with marriage is that people believe in the fairy tale of marriage. Marriage is hard fuckin’ work and if you add kids to the mix…forget it! That being said, if you, like the old man said, marry the right person for the right reasons, you can work through the rough times…and there will be rough times! Instead of spreading the lie of “Happily Ever After” let’s get real and tell people what is really up! Like my momma always said, “Marriage is forever…and FOREVER is a long time so you’d better make sure you picked right!”

  8. Immediately when I read all the complaints I thought “they just married the wrong woman”. Point blank. Men in my opinion sometimes act more pressed to get married than women. I equate it to buying junk on Black Friday…. “I bought cuz it was on sale.”

  9. IMarriage for most is a prison but its a mans fault for being pressured unto especially to keep a chick! Like D said in his last post. It’s that man’s fault he is miserable in the marriage. The old head was spot on.

  10. Very good read!!! Gonna forward this one to some of the ladies! This was great incite into men’s discussions!!

  11. Marriage is all it is cracked up to be….a promise to stay with your spouse no matter what….perhaps if divorce was not an option the rate would not be so high. I have been with my would be spouse for forty years and am steel waiting for GAY marriage to be legal across this great land….as it stands now neither one of us will get the others social security…..at least your spouses can count on that.

    • Marriage does have its perks. Though its an whole nother topic, I think same sex marriages will be legal in enough states that it will become easier for same-sex couples to get married.

      being with someone for 40 years!! I guess you all were each others medicine!

  12. Clearly most of the comments on here are from women, single ones at that. I agree with the overall theme, Marriage is BS. For real. The concept that unhappiness is due to the man choosing the wrong woman is flawed. MOST women are a totally different woman AFTER they get married. Up until the wedding, she’s a sham, a poser, pretending to be all manor of things that she is really not. After the union is legal it’s a big “Gotcha”! The woman the man thinks he’s marrying, one that he could be happy with, is not the woman he is now hitched to. For MOST woman, marriage is just a license to let them selves go in ways that they will not while they are trying to get a husband. Most dudes who stay married are dudes who really love their kids, and don’t want them to become a statistic. Furthermore, they don’t want to leave their kids with the selfish slobs they’ve realized they are married to, less the kids become selfish slobs themselves. Show me a bunch of married men, and I’ll show a bunch of dudes where 85% of them are putting on a good face just for show. And all this madness you single chicks are sayin on here isn’t going to make the truth a lie.

    • Damn, I was going to post a more politically correct version of what was stated, but Izm came so raw and unfiltered that I have to leave it alone and let everyone ponder the truth. I will add that the common theme among the married men in the article (and for all married men, for that matter) is that consistent sex is the primary difference between being happy and not being happy. For most men, no matter who you choose, there will come a day when your wife will stop sleeping with you. It may be for a period of time or it may be for the rest of the marriage, but it will happen. There are a million reasons why (some legit and some no-so legit), but the fact of the matter is that you need to give it some thought about how you’re going to deal with it before you get married. Some men go out to get some “medicine,” aka a jump-off, but there are obvious consequences to that. Some may say that they’d just get divorced, but the consequences of that are high and will mean that you’ll basically lose everything (financially as well as your family), and have to deal with the shame of failure, all for a piece of ass. Big decision. Others may think that they can stick it out and do all of those things that women say will get them in the mood only to find out that it is really just a stalling tactic that will put you in an unrealistic situation. Consider the woman who doesn’t feel good about herself after she’s put on 60 pounds from having two kids. You decide to help her lose the weight, which may take a year, but what are you to do in the meantime? Do you think you can actually sleep next to your wife every night, horny as hell, and not get any for a year while she figures it out? Odds are that you can’t, and even trying will rob you of your soul. Moreover, I’d just like to say that marriage is no joke and it’s all fun and games until the sex stops. Real talk.

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  14. People must think marriage through more before they get into one. If a person is not happy in a marriage, then he or she needs to communicate this to the other half. We’ve got to restore the sacredness of the institution of marriage in America. Marriage is increasingly becoming something with less meaning than the brand of shoes we wear. As I always point out about having a successful relationship, there must be the presence of open and frank communication. I don’t agree with the guys trying to discourage the guy from getting married at a moment where he’s shortly about to participate in his wedding ceremony; they were being beyond insensitive.

    • since when has marriage been a sacred thing in America or anywhere else. Marriage is not simply a judeo-christian concept. in it’s history, it has been more of a business than a sacred union. I think we need to remove the blinders about the importance of marriage and allow it to be what it is…an option not a solution.

      I agree that for relationships to work there must be open and frank communication. and the guys were mad wrong for talking crazy to him at that moment.

  15. I do like the perspective provided in this scribe. I do think the comments the guys were trying to make to the groom-to-be were a bit ill in timing. There’s a difference between simply sharing your marriage experience than throwing salt at someone for making the choice. I don’t think every person should get married and more people should be honest about that. The moment someone starts yearning for some outside medicine and acts upon the yearning, that is when danger strikes.

    People also should get married for the right reasons, and unfortunately, what one person may see as a “right reason” someone else may disagree with. There should also be some type of communication with how much sex is expected within the confines of the relationship, not just during the dating stage but after the “I do’s” have been exchanged. There also has to be a realistic expectation–if she has had children, going through stress, perhaps she doesn’t have as much zeal to have sex as she used to. Not saying she has to let herself go…but on the same token, there has to be a way to communicate and work through it before it become a big issue, and more often than not, there are people who are simply not doing that.

    Thanks for sharing this.

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  17. Well very interesting comments. I think the biggest problem is that you don’t really know a person until you have lived together for years in the same space. Whatever you thought you knew becomes a faint memory compared to what you learn after cohabitation. Men and women are both victims of this reality so it’s not just women who seem to change after time, men also seem to stop doing all the little things they used to do like simply picking your damn socks up off the floor. But I digress. I think it takes time and wisdom to choose well without knowing what lies ahead and frankly people choose wrong most of the time because they don’t choose with ten years ahead in mind, they choose for right now. Simple things such as her/him going to the gym now while you are dating is what we focus on but how invested does this person really seem in being healthy should be what you are paying attention to. What do they tend to eat? What makes them skip the gym? Do they want to be in shape to be sexy or healthy? These are the things you must think about to predict what the future will hold. Are you doing things to create romance and a mood that encourages a vibrant sex life because you view sex as more than you jacking off with someone’s body or were you just desperate to get it? Arousal is a prelude to sex and unfortunately because men are easily aroused, after awhile they assume their partners are too and expect to jump right in for the kill. News flash: that only works when everything is new, when it gets to the point where she can draw the peen in her sleep, you have to be more creative.

    Furthermore, timing is everything. Many people get married while still too immature for such a task. You have to get into marriage when you are ready and not when you feel an imaginary clock is ticking.

    Finally, many people are “marriage ignorant.” You and your spouse have to prepare for the job before you expect to be hired. I’m always surprised at how many people have such limited knowledge about married life yet they are planning weddings…going to counseling to learn how to coexist during your engagement is too little too late. THEN when you finally get married, you have to continue to educate yourself about this position in order to perform well. If we trained as hard to be good at marriage as we do at everything else, there would be so many less miserable people sitting around complaining about their marriage. Excuses are for cowards.

  18. woooooh!!!! Love that you posted the old man’s comments! And love the post!!! I think he was spot on from all of the married couples I know! Also, so many of us think once we get married, all of the work is over – when it’s really just beginning. I wholeheartedly believe marriage can be as good as we dream it can be, but it 1) you have to choose the right person 2) you have to be willing to work for it and do the work 3) Be ready for a lifetime commitment 4) go to counseling before marriage (and I mean secular unbiased counseling as well as church 1 on 1 counseling) – if you make it past counseling, you have a great chance of keeping things together 5) Being 30 or over at marriage also can help 6) marriage is about being able to out-serve each other – in other words, if you’re only marrying to get things and not serve, you’re in the wrong position …. Just a few things my [happily] married friends have told me!

  19. Yep he’s right. Men are just overly sexual and think with their genitals to me. Marraige is hard a Heck. Men and women hv the ability to create something beautiful but we’re all clouded by selfish desires and motives!

  20. I don’t mean to rude or snobby, but out of everything that was stated here, no one mentioned Christ. If you follow the word whole heartedly you will never go wrong. I have been married for almost 7 years. When I first got married I was working from my assumptions but after the first year we began to set aside our upbringing and focus on the family we wanted to create. Yes it has been hard but, we stood before God, our family and friends and made those vows. When it comes to sex the bible states that our bodies belong to our spouse and we are not to withhold sex from each other unless we are on our monthly or because of a fast and we are both in agreement. Yes I have held out. But the truth of the matter is that it is a stress and tension reliever for both sexes. If men held their role and women held their’s, relationships would be in better positions. No one wants to commit to anything. It is so easy to walk away from things nowadays. But my answer to all of this is prayer, communication, planning, sex, and intimacy on a daily basis. Marriages never have vacations. Work to improve it daily.

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