Open Friday: Am I Wrong For Wanting My Man to Change Jobs For Me?

FATC,

Love the new layout and design of the site! Well let me get right into my question. I have dated a guy for about a year and he is a fantastic man who I love deeply but the problem is that he travels and works too much. I want to be able to see him more than I do. He is in sales and has to travel a whole lot but I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the situation being like this. He does the best that he can to spend time with me and take care of me (he has even paid my rent a few months). I really do want more time and attention from him. I asked him to find another job in our city so we can see each other more often. He said he will try but he is asking me to just hold him down because he is trying to build up his career. My question is basically am I wrong for thinking he is not serious about our relationship since he won’t try to find a job so that we can be in the same city and see each other more than once or twice a week? I think if he loves and cares for me as much as he says he does than wouldn’t he do this for our relationship? Wouldn’t he do this for me? I just don’t know how long I can deal with this situation. If he doesn’t make a move soon then I may have to leave him.  I can’t be waiting forever for this man. II feel so neglected and not listened to for my desires.

Appreciate seeing your thoughts D

Confused Girl

Black woman neglected in relationship

Confused Girl,

Thanks for writing in and the compliment on the new layout and digs. I am working on some other things too you will see in the future as well. But, let’s get right into your letter….

I have to say off top and this is with all due respect that you have some ridiculous expectations going on now. So, he is supposed to drop his high paying job that has him traveling just because you don’t see him more than once or twice a week?? Most couples that are both grinding and trying to make things happen may only see each other once or twice a week! I question how deeply you love this dude or do you like the idea of loving him. In your letter I see a lot of things talking about you all as a couple but most of it is about YOU not you all as a unit. Is this a relationship for YOU or We and don’t confuse the difference because there is one.

It’s funny because you state that he makes up for it by treating you great and paying your rent.  He was doing that I am sure out of his love and kindness of his heart not to make up for him not seeing you enough. I am going to go out on a limb and say you are probably nag the hell out of him and are one of those women who have a template in their mind of how the relationship should go. How long does he have to find another job in ya’ll city before you bounce?

black woman not feeling man

On the real I think you really don’t want to be with him anymore and just are trying to find some reason for not being with him. I have always believed that some people’s actions are not in a cause and effect basis. What do I mean by this? Sometimes people ALREADY wanted to cheat, leave, creep, etc but needed a developed causation in their mind to justify their actions. You want more attention and time spent with your mate and that is a great thing but I would ask you to think about are you just making this an issue because you aren’t ready to be with him? Because if he is a fantastic guy and love him as you have stated then you will find a way to make this situation work. But, if you really don’t want to be with him and feel you can get better just go ahead and do like Isaac Hayes said and “Walk On By”.

What do you all think about this Open Friday Letter?? Chime in with your thoughts

Make sure you check out this week’s episode of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show “How Sorry Do You Feel For Ice-T”. You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, or I-Pad with Stitcher Radio.

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21 responses to “Open Friday: Am I Wrong For Wanting My Man to Change Jobs For Me?

  1. This chick crazy as hell and deserves whatever is coming to her. Homeboy playing himself trickin on a chick like this anyway. She gonna leave and find herself with a herb and be bitter and mad

  2. The thing about this topic is that it can be much more complicated than it appears. The other side to look at is has this person been having that bad feeling that someone may be creeping? Or something is just not right? Inconsistent stories or excuses? It could b so much going on here. Some men can be good dudes but just not good for you and/or use traveling as an excuse to maintain other relationships. On the other hand if there arent any trust issues or bad feelings here it could just be that sometimes when you make a commitment to to travel for a job you may not b ready for a committed relationship as well, because then it becomes a long distance relationship in away and long distance is not for everyone.

  3. This is a complicated situation but her pressuring him to change his career for her is a big toll and she shouldn’t want him to either. Its not like he is a drug dealer and she does see him just not like she wants. If he changes for her she better have 100% cooperation with him or he will begin to feel ill towards you which will be even worse in the end

  4. Well I’m always against asking someone to significantly change in a relationship. My motto is “love em or leave em alone.” I think that it’s selfish of her to ask him to change jobs just so she can see him more. Especially with her being a girlfriend and not a wife.

    I do understand her concern about being in a serious relationship with someone who travels a lot or has a career that keeps them away from home for extended periods of time – a guy like that wouldn’t work for me in the long term…so I don’t date those guys. She really needs to learn to handle his career and accept that this is the path that he is on or find someone else on a different path.

  5. Get a hobby, go back to school, find something to do develop yourself…..I been here, you just have too much time on your hands.

  6. I agree with everyone here. She either A) doesn’t want to be with him and is using his traveling as a cop out B) Thinks he’s cheating or is not secure enough in knowing that he’s NOT cheating or C) Selfish without real expectations. In a way it IS like having a long-distance relationship and like she said, that’s not for everyone. If that’s her problem, she should just go. If she really loves him and believes he’s awesome and isn’t cheating, I don’t see why she has a problem.

  7. I completely agree with your post. He sounds like he is a legit and trying to establish himself as a man and THAT IS ONE OF THE QUALITIES THAT WE COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT FINDING IN A MAN. Some of us women get so focused on wanting a relationship we start to have unrealistic expectation sometimes. Does she have a career or dream that she is trying to pursue? I think that is part of the problem what are you bringing to the table because while he is out her chasing his dream and becoming established you are sitting at home letting life pass you by…

  8. She wants him to do what after a year of DATING?!?!?! Yeah, homegirl is asking a bit much for something thats not even guaranteed. This dude paid her rent and other nice things to show her how much he loved and appreciated her for loving him while he was away and she can’t deal with what exactly??? She’s not ready for the kind of relationship that requires a man to be close on a regular basis because I don’t get the impression she has a realistic idea of how true love works. If she stays with this dude, she needs to get a hobby or a dog or just let him go.

  9. I don’t think he should have to give up his good job to try and accommodate her. It’s tough finding work in this economy. If he quits there, there’s no guarantee he is going to find anything that pays as much money. Maybe she should find some other hobbies to keep her occupied so she won’t stress about the time apart as much.

  10. Very interesting letter. I understand her view but on the other hand you have to give props to this dude who is I’m guessing is a black male trying to do good in his life and for his girl as well. If she loves him so much then she should stick by him and look at it as he is doing it for BOTH of them and not for him, since he is paying the rent and etc. If it’s more to it then that should have been added but as far as the letter goes, you have to give him some type of credit and considered his feelings in this. Plus, didn’t you know this was what you were going to be going through when you guys got together?

  11. Great response. All I can say is that it’s a terrible idea to change a job FOR somebody. That’s a big sacrifice and, more often than I’d care to see, usually ends with that person getting left anyway. Some people can only measure love by what you give up to be with them only to not remember what you gave up for them later when they’re ready to leave. More often than not, it’s not worth it if doing it is something you love to do.

  12. With only the facts presented I don’t think she has the right to ask him that. It’s one thing for him to take heed to her desires for quality time, and make that call; it’s another for her to make that a request. I’m big on treating others how I expect to be treated; if my boyfriend asked me to quit my job for the sake of quality time I would think he had lost his mind. Life altering decisions, done for someone else, should only be done within a marriage (IMO). Her threat is to leave him; so she expects him to quit a job for a woman who would leave him so easily?

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  18. Damned if you work, damned if you don’t work.

    I remember having a conversation with a friend about her man who was working all the time. I asked her would you rather him work, or be home sitting on the couch playing video games? She didn’t have to answer I knew the answer.

    She is asking him to do something major for her and that is asking a lot. What if he does that and makes less money? what if he does it and they break up? You never know. She has to be understanding and if she met him while he had this job, she knew it and still choose to date him so don’t make a fuss now.

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