Maybe I bought into MJG’s words a little too much. Or maybe that line where Kanye said “I don’t know what it is with females but I’m not too good at that sh**” sunk into my brain and became apart of me. I’m trying. Unlike most brothers I REALLY do sincerely care. It just doesn’t always work out that way. When I turned 25 I understood the plight of men like Marcus Graham. Minus his awesome ass crib, I turned into him kinda sorta. Despite my 0-50 love TKO record the past three years I’m hopeful. I just need to grow up.
In my mind she’s somewhere reading Essence Magazine drinking Earl Grey tea with her hair in a bantu knot. She’s witty, caring but doesn’t take any shit either. She’s “the one”. I would give her my last name and my last wing from Harold’s Chicken to say, ” I do”. However, I’m still the guy that will ask you, “where the heauxs at”. I love women. I want to get out the game but the game has a trillion pieces and all I need is one. I’ve been on hunter mode since a teen(maybe 6..don’t judge). But my almost 30-year-old ass probably needs to be in hunter-gatherer mode preparing for Mrs. Henderson. Am I ready? Kinda sorta, not really, yes, Dammit I don’t know.
I’ve become bi-polar (not technically, I just didn’t wanna use the word flaky) as I’ve gotten older. Tuesday I’m looking for “her” and then on Saturday I’m looking for “them”. It’s hard to explain to a woman who has been searching for “him” since Barbie and Ken what I’m feeling. Phonte from Little Brother said it best, “I want a girl when I want a girl and when I don’t want a girl I want a girl who understands that”. I know I know, it’s the cake and eat it too syndrome, but it’s real.
At the very root of this dilemma is fear. I’m fearful of marrying the wrong woman. The institution of marriage means a lot to me. I only plan on doing it once. I’m fearful of cheating on my wife because I haven’t shaken the “pitbull” out my system. Cheating is so widespread and on some levels an expected/accepted thing from men that I don’t want to be apart of it all. Mrs. Henderson shall be my first, last and everything in between. No side chicks. Just her. Ashamedly I’m also a victim of “not growing up”. It’s hard to be single when your homies still have single minds and you have a buffet selection of women at your disposal every time you go out. Maybe the work that it takes to make one woman happy is perhaps too much for me to fathom. Dating multiple people has sort of relieved me of the burden of responsibility on some levels. Instead of seemingly having to answer to one, I can just spread the love thin and keep it neutral until I’m ready to drive forward with one. I’m in denial about my “pimpdom”. I love women. No secret about that. Growing up with awesome women such as my mother and grandmother can do that to you I guess. Ever since a kid , I loved and maybe sometimes yearned for that affection of a woman , so when I got older it manifested itself into this. It’s a conundrum of things it could be. All I know is that my body count is getting high and it makes me and the other parties involved feel low. Which is not my aim at all.
Despite the person that I’ve described myself as, I’m a fairly decent guy. I work with kids, love God, write books and I even do motivational speaking. Kinda weird that I help other people with problems and I got some large ones myself lol. It’s real though. I’m honest about where I’m at with women before we date, I tell them “don’t close your heart off to me until we both know we are what each other really wants”. Sounds good but in reality I’ve put the women I date in a “For the Love of Ray J” situation. I meeeeeaaannan, I was honest about it but they still kinda are contestants in the pursuit of love. Am I wrong for dating multiple people at once? I only do it because I’ve wasted time in previous relationships with only dating one person. The time I spent getting to know ONE person and for it to fail was too deflating, so I kept it open season and let the odds decide. I don’t sell dreams to women intentionally because I know the power men have over a woman’s heart. But EVERYTHING sounds like a dream when it doesn’t work out, regardless of who was in fault or not.
“I apologize, I’m working on it.” is what I tell them.
What else can I do?
Make sure you check out this week’s episode of the “Straight Outta Lo Cash” Radio Show. This week’s show “The Monkeyness Has Got to Stop”. You can also subscribe to the show on I-Tunes or listen on your Android, I-Phone, or I-Pad with Stitcher Radio.